The twins were 3 months old, Will was 18 months old, and I was utterly alone. It was the first time in my life that I didn't have any hope.
I had just found out (on my anniversary) that not only had my husband been cheating on me and charging up my credit cards on weekend escapades with his then girlfriend (and now his current wife), but he had just gotten her pregnant. He had convinced me to let him use said credit card saying that a friend of his was in trouble and had gotten into a car accident, and he was going to Texas to help them out. Unfortunately, I believed him. When I called him in his hotel room, a woman answered. I put two and two together and realized that the situation was quite different than he had explained it. I was told by a hotel employee what was found in the room when he left the premises after I had called to report the credit card stolen: a postive pregnancy test on the counter. I really can't remember a time in my life that I felt more like dying than that moment.
So, I cried for a couple of hours and I went to Target. Just to be able to go somewhere outside of my sad little basement that was now sure to be my permanent home for awhile and take my mind off of the misery.
Now, for those of you who know me, you know how perky I am on a daily basis. This was different. I actually felt bad for how miserable I felt, and for each person that passed me that I didn't smile at, I felt even worse.
To make matters even more depressing... it was four days before Valentine's Day, so the whole store was decked out in hearts and fuzzy wuzzy "I love you" stuff. If that doesn't make you suicidal after everything that just happened, I don't know what would.
Then... something struck me. I saw this Valentine's display out of the corner of my eye, and these giant coffee mugs that were utterly ridiculous looking. I stopped and LAUGHED. OUT LOUD. And, I couldn't stop laughing. It felt so good to finally be able to smile, if only for a fleeting second.
Maybe it was because I was temporarily out of my mind with grief. Maybe it's because I really needed something to laugh about. But, I'm telling you - to this day this mug makes me giggle every time I see it.
There is just something completely insane about a turtle with a singing bird on it's back that is laugh-worthy.
So, to begin my morning ritual, this mug is the first thing I pull out of the cabinet, and I smile.
Sometimes, that's one of the handful of times I would smile in a day, depending on what was happening.
Coffee in the morning began to slowly save me from myself. There were days that I literally was too depressed to get out of the house, out of my pajamas, and out of my sadness. I could scarcely move. I felt like someone had put a lead jacket over my whole body... like the coat the dentist puts on you before they take x-rays of your mouth, but 3 times as heavy. Everything hurt. Everything made me cry. But, that mug, and my coffee.... silly as it sounds, saved me.
I didn't even drink coffee before all of this happened. I was struck with the reality of having to raise three tiny boys on my own, and I didn't have enough energy within myself to get it done. Strangely, once I had a nice strong cup of coffee, my hands began to move when my mind didn't. I was in a perpetually frozen state inside my head, consumed with shock and pain, and yet I was able to accomplish daily tasks after a relaxing cup of joe.
Of course, being a rookie coffee drinker, it can't just be coffee. It has to be a sugary, tan work of art.
Creamer - preferably a chocolate-y kind.
A packet of stevia.
Enough milk to make it tan. :)
And, a whole bunch of whipped cream to top it off.
It's like my therapy. My morning get-off-your-rear-and-do-something-so-you-won't-be-sad-today therapy. So, every morning, instead of letting the fog settle in, I burn it up with caffeine - and live.
Congratulations to all the winners! Please send me your contact information via my email - erinmichelleb (at) yahoo (.com), and the list of items you want ranked 1-7. The first winner gets first pick, the second on the list gets second pick, etc.
I have a new goal, since I've met the ones I've set for myself so far this year.
I want to go to Ireland sometime in 2010. It has been a lifelong dream for me to visit, as my Grandmother was from Ireland... and we still have family there who I would like to visit. I have always wanted to see what their life was like, and to see the country that Grandma loved so much.
On a scale from 1-10... this would be a level 10 goal to complete. Which would mean level 10 excitement, and level 10 lifelong memories.
I will do whatever it takes to make this happen, and this will be a rare opportunity to travel abroad as a single woman, and to make this dream happen for myself. Hopefully I can convince a friend to go with me, though - going truly alone would be scary!
Writing contests. Photo contests. I've got to find something I need to do this. I CAN do this!
So, readers... if you see a link to a contest for a trip to Ireland... please send them my way! I'm going to enter any and all that I come across!!!
AAAANNNND......I've known him for ten years now (Wow, G - we're old!)
Annnnnd...is name is Greg.
(Hehe - I like, I like.)
Today, after one of our daily talks, I became convinced that every single woman needs a "Greg". And, I'm not saying MY Greg... because he's sort of taken at the moment. So, don't be lazy and find one of your own.
Why, you ask? I'll enlighten you.
First of all, he's known me since before I had kids. He remembers the "old" Erin, the carefree one before life slapped me around some. Just talking to him reminds me of what it was like to be the free-spirited, limitless, bubbly cheerleader that I was back then.
Secondly, he kind of digs me. And, I kind of dig him. But, it doesn't move past that, really. We're just mutually digg-able. He makes me feel really beautiful, and valued. Pretty cool.
Third, he makes me laugh more than almost anyone on the planet. We have the same sense of humor, and it's really quite absurd how we both are so comfortable with each other and are able to laugh so darn much.
Fourth - we're both in the "building" phase of our lives. Little successes that wouldn't matter to anyone else become cheer-worthy. And, that isn't because I was a cheerleader and he was the mascot. (I know you told me not to make you sound gay - so this is the disclaimer... HE WAS A VERY TOUGH, MANLY MASCOT. There.) He encourages me in whatever direction my heart takes me, and I give him a nudge or two in the direction he wants to go when he needs a boost.
Fifth - he lives a bazillion miles away. Nevada is FAR. You wonder, why is that a reason to have a "Greg"? Even if we did have feelings for each other, they wouldn't be able to really develop from such a distance. Hence, we can be friends with emotional benefits, and not be close enough to screw things up.
Sixth - He helps me fix things. He gives me "guy" advice, like how to fix my furnace. My Greg spent TWO HOURS on the phone with me while my whole house was freezing going through the manual from my furnace to try to troubleshoot the issues. He even calmed me down while I was freaking out about spiders in my hair, and squealing when I thought one got close, or nearly in tears because I couldn't identify the thingy that is attached to the round thingy that makes the spring thingy go wwwooooomp. It didn't get fixed, but that wasn't the point. He cared enough to help me out.
I know, I know. Some of you must be thinking.... DATE HIM!!!! Are you crazy?!?! NOTE: distance. NOTE: religious discrepancies. NOTE: still working on ourselves.
If you are single, and you feel alone in the world with no one to back you up the way someone of the opposite sex will... get a "Greg". You'll thank me.
The day has finally arrived! Hopefully you've already completed STEP ONE, which is to add yourself as a FAN to the blog on Facebook!
(The only exception is that if you don't have a Facebook account, add the site's button to your blog. Make a note of this in your comment if you are an EXCEPTION.)
In order to be one of the seven winners of this giveaway, leave a COMMENT below!
Leave a brief comment that contains the following:
1. Introduce yourself.
2. Tell us what you like about the blog or would like to see improved. 3. Share your proudest or toughest parent moment. I would love to hear about important or defining moments in your experience as a parent!
I hope this gives you a chance to get to know each other, and for me to see who lurks around the blog without posting. :) And.... of course, a chance at one of our lovely prizes!
I will check each entry to make sure you meet both requirements. If you didn't do each step, I'll delete your comment, but you can still try again!
At the end of the week, Friday at 11:59 PM PST, the contest will be OVER. I will post the *7 WINNERS* on Sunday morning by 10AM.
The winners will be selected randomly, and the first on the list gets first pick of the prizes, and so forth.
And now.... a reminder of the prizes at stake!
Etsy.com is a FANTASTIC website that enables artists and crafters to sell their wares directly to the public via the world wide web. If you can imagine it, it's on there! I frequently buy gifts and decorative items on there for a couple of reasons.
1. I can find beautiful, handcrafted things for a very reasonable price.
2. The selection is mind blowing - I have so much to choose from that I always find the perfect thing.
3. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE supporting independent artists and crafters! Creativity at work, people!!!
So, in light of that, here is the list of things I hand chose for this contest, and the wonderful businesses behind them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First, Laura Bills at Too Fabulous. She makes lots of beautiful custom jewelry with sayings, verses and my favorite, the initial tokens. So versatile, and unique with the paisley print!
"Sometimes you want a sweet necklace to wear that doesn't scream "I have kids!". This is just that.
Two 5/8" fine silver textured discs hung on an 18" sterling beaded chain, and dressed to go out with a freshwater pearl. Secretly close to your heart is an initial or two, short name, or date."
I am getting a triple tag necklace... one for each of my boys!
For the contest, *one* contestant will recieve a free customized double paisley tag necklace valued at 35.00!!!
Next, Terry at Grandpas Rags and Bags has some of the cutest hand made fabric oven mitts, pot holders, bags, clutches and other fabric accents for your home! I have two sets of his potholders. :)
For the contest, he will send *one* lucky winner these lemon-print oven mitts! A 23.00 value!
Violet from Viva la Violette has a masterful handmade stationery studio specializing in personalized stationery sets, invitations and more! They also offer a large selection of wedding stationery as well as bookplates, moleskine notebooks, and an Alice in Wonderland collection. They are providing new take on an old fashioned find - an adorable custom silhouette print.
I'm getting one of each of my boys. :)
Violet will create a custom silhouette portrait of your child for free - a 25.00 value!
From Lauren at Get Thready (who offers Stitch'n for your Kitch'n - hee hee!), an adorable lemon print apron. Her quirky, fun fabric choices make you smile every time you see them. Even if you burned your pot roast, you'd still have a wide grin on your face when you took it out!
She is offering this Lemons into Lemonade Apron free for *one* lucky winner! A 15.00 value (a steal!)
April Evening creates journals, cards, and treasure boxes using a variety of papers, acrylic, ink, and images from vintage photographs, magazines, and books. Many of the spiral-bound journals include 80# acid-free pages that are perfect for photographs and other memorabilia.
She is offering a one-of-a-kind collage journal titled "Sweet Sisters" with 24 pages of heavy brown acid free paper for *one* lucky winner! A 20.00 value!
From Stella and Hodge, some lovely stationery! They have bookplates (a favorite of mine!!!), handmade jewelry, custom silhouettes, personalized stationery, cards & unique prints. So bright, vivid and GORGEOUS!
They'll send another winner a custom initialed pack of 8 note cards! An 18.00 value!
And, from me, an 11 x 14 print of my favorite image I've ever created.... "A New Path".
I am a photographer specializing in classic children's, maternity and family portraiture. Contact me for rates - I start at 150.00 for a half hour session, with a CD of all of your digital images to print as you want!
Check back on Monday for our "One Year Bloggyversary Giveaway"! Over 200.00 in product... for free! Each item is given away individually, so more people have the chance to win. Tell your friends... :)
STEP ONE TO ENTER THE CONTEST... You must fan the blog on Facebook!!!
Step two will take place on Monday, when the formal contest begins. You will be required to either post a comment on asinglemamaslife.blogspot.com or add a button to your blog/website in order to qualify for each prize. :)
Don't forget - the contest will last between Monday the 25th through Friday the 29th.
Exciting stuff has been happening lately! Enjoy the changes and updates.
Thank you to our sponsors! We couldn't have done this without you!!!
I went out on a great date with a guy on Saturday... great chemistry, laughed the whole time, even missed the movie because we were enjoying each other's company so much. We walked around downtown Spokane, enjoying the weather and the night. Right before we parted ways, he said he'd call me.
Then... the next day he suddenly decided that there was "no connection." He complimented me on everything under the sun, and said I'm a great mother and that my boys are lucky to have me, but he just didn't see a future there.
????????????
I'm reasonably attractive. I'm nice. I'm funny. I'm a good person. I care about myself. I work hard. I am honest. Direct. Caring. I'm not perfect, but I'm not a bag lady, either.
And I'm still single.
I am not wallowing... I'm just curious. What is it, exactly, that makes children so scary to guys? Why would they burn so hot, then turn so cold?
Again, I'm swearing off dating for awhile. I need to detox my head from all the rejection, and the frustration. I am going to take the opportunity to build myself up instead of tear myself apart about this. Finishing the office re-model, work on school, maybe even get my washer fixed and a new vacuum. I lead an exciting life.
Here is an excerpt from the book I've been wanting to write... I have finally begun!
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When Shakespeare said, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” he was absolutely, certainly correct. However, he didn’t take into account how I loved, how I lost, and in spite of it all, was so incredibly glad that it happened, and even for how it happened. I am not a masochist, I am just thankful for the good, and have learned - albeit the hard way, from the bad.
She was so excited to see his face that she could barely sit on the bleachers. Who could sit still at a time like this? She had pictured him dying so many times in her mind, that his return was absolutely surreal. The crowd was electric. Every time a bus went by, people began to walk to the open doors hoping that it was THE bus. Our guys. But, we waited for NINE hours. By the end of that time, we were all in a frenzy. They had already been delayed by five days, what was the hold-up now? What could possibly be as important as continuing with the rest of our lives? We were all jumpy with anticipation. I spent my time talking to Gideon’s best friend’s parents. They had driven out from Texas to welcome their son home and to accompany their new daughter-in-law at the re-deployment ceremony. Their other son, Chase, had just deployed to Iraq with the Navy. The service life was one whose sacrifices they were deeply familiar with. Just then, their phone rang. His dad went outside to take the call. We continued to chit-chat and pass the time away as our rear ends began to go numb from all the bleacher time. It was utterly exhausting. We had been told to stay in the bleachers “just in case” the guys came before their 9:00 arrival time. It was now four o’clock in the afternoon, and it was clear that no one was going to catch us by surprise. The entire base was on the look-out for the infamous bus.
When Chase’s dad came back into the room, he was pale and puffy eyed. Something was horribly wrong.
“What happened? Is everything ok? Are they not coming after all?”
“My father just dii-iii-ed-dd......” he said in a controlled, muffled sob.
We all stood frozen in place as he broke down. No one was prepared for this.
Just then, we heard the crowd moving around us, and the people began to gather by the door. Something else was going on, though it took us longer in our compromised state to be able to identify what was happening.
The buses were pulling up. The guys were home.
None of us quite knew what to do with this new and painful situation. It was hard enough just getting a chance to speak with them in person for the first time in almost a year, but now, Chase was faced with the death of his grandfather as well.
“EVERONE…. SIT DOWN IN YOUR PLACES. OUR WARRIORS ARE HOME. WE NEED YOU TO RETURN TO YOUR SEATS SO THAT THEY CAN ENTER THE GYM AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE,” someone said over the loudspeaker as we quietly discussed among ourselves what to do with the newfound information. Chase would be able to see that his dad was visibly upset. Would he be able to conceal it long enough so they could celebrate his return as a family before his heart would be broken by the news?
Then, the familiar screeching of bus brakes interrupted our plans. Each small, commonplace sound was amplified from that moment on. Even our heartbeats. The hush that fell over the crowd was unchangeable. We all had anticipated this moment, hoped and prayed for this moment, and even in a small way dreaded this moment. What lie ahead was unknown and dangerous.
What will he be like? Will he have changed? Will I recognize him? Will we become another casualty of this war? What do I NOT know that he will tell me? What will I NOT know that he WON’T tell me?
All of my thoughts were at a standstill the instant I heard boots hit the pavement. Thoughts didn’t matter now. All that mattered was the one pair of boots that were mine. His.
The uniforms all blended into one solid swatch of desert camouflage that kept him too far from me to connect with. I couldn’t see his face in the midst of the overwhelming volume of the busy pattern effectively distracting my attention and making me light-headed. I was dizzy as it was, and the swirling neutrals weren’t helping me to regain my balance. We were all standing on top of the bleachers to get a better view of our respective soldier.
My eyes scanned the audience for the entire thirty minute ceremony… only settling on his face five minutes before the end. I had actually begun to wonder if he didn’t make it back with the group until my best friend, Katie, pointed him out to me.
He didn’t wave. He didn’t look. He was just focused straight ahead, like most soldiers do, as if there was a tunnel immediately before him and the only thing he could see was in the light at the end of an immense distance. He had fought his battle, never thinking he would actually make it home.
When the ceremony was over, we were on the edge of our seats, ready to leap up the second we were given the go-ahead to run straight into our loved ones’ arms. But, we should have known better. If military ceremonies are one thing, they’re too long. All we wanted to do was to talk to them, touch their faces, and we were being held back by an invisible brick wall.
I have never been one to follow the ‘rules’, and at this moment I was ready to cast my fears aside and run up to him without permission. What could they do, tackle me and drag me out of here? I thought. I was past the point of caring what would happen. My eyes were on the prize.
Thankfully, the announcer prevented me from making a fool of myself.
“YOU MAY NOW JOIN YOUR SOLDIERS AND WELCOME THEM HOME!”
I don’t think half of us even heard or processed exactly what he had said. All we knew is that everyone else started running, and we followed suit.
Big days like this had a tendency to all run together, and my goal would be to simply put one foot in front of the other. I wondered if everyone else felt the way I did.
Pushing through the crowd, seeing familiar haircuts, uniforms, hats…. It was exhausting and overwhelming. My heart was racing so fast I was sure it would explode…. Unless…..
There he was. I had waited so long to see him. He looked strange. Different. I didn’t take to him as I thought I would. I was actually afraid. Very afraid. His face was pained, but he was trying to smile. His words didn’t fit with his stance and expression.
“Hey girl.” he said with a hesitant smile.
“Hey.” I returned a smile, except mine was my typical wide grin.
I tensely walked up to him and he wrapped me in his enormous arms. It had been a long time since I had been hugged in this way. That made me feel better. I relaxed. He kissed me briefly, and I let go.
*********************
I was having a moment of cuddle time with my sweet baby, one I treasured. My whole body was electric and alive with love at the source of its energy. The feeling was radiating out of me in a beautiful way. This is the most enjoyable feeling of motherhood - to look at what your body produced and to love it with more than your mind, but your physical self as well. It is an endorphin rush that cannot be duplicated.
Interrupting this feeling was an unexpected image. It was small, distorted and glowing white, bleached from the summer sun streaming in through the tiny basement window directly overhead. I was sitting in an armchair, holding my month-old son and looking into his eyes for what seemed like the first time. It was a rare moment where I actually saw and processed what was in front of my face. In his eyes was something I hadn’t seen in a long time; something nearly foreign, but at least unfamiliar. It was myself. The light shining on my face made me glow in the reflection of his perfect newborn eyes. Where had I gone? It was painful to think about the last few months and what had happened. It was almost impossible to wrap my head around it. I kept wondering if it had all been a dream. It was so awful, it certainly was too difficult to accept the reality of what was before me now. Their father did not care about them.
My daily life as a mother was not unlike I had always dreamed it would be. Caring for my children and demonstrating my love for them in a practical way from morning ‘til night was like breathing to me. So natural. So pure. What I could never had anticipated, though, was how desperately alone I felt in my tasks; maybe it was because I was… I was utterly and completely alone.
When Brendan William was born, I would cherish the times at night just before bed when I was able to tell Gideon all about my day with our darling little boy. We called it “Amy Time”. It was not uncommon to only see him for two or three hours a day, as work kept him busier than we had ever dreamed. Moments alone were rare and painful, because we knew that our time was always slipping away.
Now, I only had myself to recount the milestones of our children, the remarkable traits he and the boys shared even though the distance prevented any contact with them, and with the amazing journey of motherhood I was now experiencing in a whole new way. These are things that you can’t just discuss with your parents or with a friend. They are deeply intimate and often times quite revealing - something I just wasn’t going to talk with someone else about only to have them give me a blank stare. Gideon would understand - or at least, he would have tried. Now things were too convoluted to make any sort of impact in our personal relationship, so I would have to make do with talking to God.
Sitting in my favorite chair, I reclined it all the way and stared off into space with my towel on. That scalding hot bath was just what I needed to relax my body, but my mind was buzzing. With heavy-lidded eyes - I needed to sleep after a full day of crying and contemplating suicide. I decided I couldn’t go to bed. Not yet. Bed meant dreams, and dreams meant torture. Seeing his face every night, and watching him inside my mind on yet another escapade. I was an unwilling fly on the wall in the life I imagined he had. I decided instead to let the pain consume me for what I had hoped was the last time. If I was lucky, I would be able to go to sleep after this. If I got what I really wanted, I wouldn’t experience this level of pain ever again. However, if the trends of my recent lapses in judgement were to end, I would have to let go of the one man I had ever truly loved. The one person who had single handedly built her up, and had crafted her spectacular fall.
How did I get here? I had my whole life ahead of me, and I gave it all up for him. I wanted to be a nurse. I was the top of my class. I was well loved and had the world at my feet, and I destroyed every relationship in my life for the sake of my love for him. I had fallen in love with a desperately flawed man, whose imperfections were magnified by his experiences in the war and in life away from the bubble he grew up in. I am penniless, a mother of three and divorced. He didn’t love me ENOUGH. He had chosen someone else. He had moved on. NOW what was I supposed to do?
I learned this year about the importance, no… the necessity of caring for ourselves first. Don’t get me wrong - our responsibilities are sincerely important to meet, but sometimes, we just can’t be super mom. As a mom of three children under two, beautiful, active, healthy little boys, I could clearly see how easily someone could lose themselves in caring for their children. My kids’ well-being is always on my mind, but in order to be the kind of woman that they would be proud of, it took a careful examination of the balance of my life to become a thoughtful, responsible mother. Seeing who I am on the inside, what I wanted out of life…. Even things as simple as what my favorite food was - all things that I had neglected since my first pregnancy - left me feeling hopeless and empty when my husband chose to move on just a month before the twins were born.
There are a few things that I learned, through trial and error exclusively, that got me through the most difficult year of my life. I made a handy list, so I could frequently turn to it when I was too emotional and broken to think for myself...
Well, well, well - is it possible?!?! Are things finally starting to come together for me?!?!
I never thought this day would come. In the darkest days of my divorce, when the twins were 6 months old, there would rarely be a day that I wouldn't want the world to end. To never have to wake up to endure the emotional pain I was being put through. Those of you who truly *know* me understand that when I say, "what I went through" - it means going to hell and coming back again.
Of course I hung on and held on to hope - as I'm still here. My children's needs were more important than my pain. I was so UNBELIEVABLY busy with the three of them, I didn't have time to give up. I'm still thankful that I'm here after everything I went through, because if I would have given up, I wouldn't have been able to reap the incredible feelings of elation I'm currently experiencing. I'm not just surviving. I'm thriving!!!
News as of late:
I decided to go half-time in school. I take courses online, so I can stay home with the kids during the day, and I'm taking World Religion and Cultural Diversity. Two of my very favorite subjects to fulfill my very last requirement for my associate's degree program (A.A.), and another one for good measure and to expand my mind. In looking through the books, I know that I am going to grow a lot in my knowledge of others this semester! For me, learning is my lifeblood. I have an overactive imagination, and if I don't have something to sink my "intellectual teeth" into, I wither. This is step A in my path to happiness at the moment. It may seem like too much for me, but it's actually very manageable. I stay up late doing my homework, which I would be doing anyway because I have to pull "door monitor" duty outside of the kiddos bedroom. They tend to wake up at around midnight EVERY night trying to escape to the kitchen and make trouble. This has gone on for 4 months... and they still refuse to be squelched.
This action has created a feeling of accomplishment, and gives me concrete short-term goals. It keeps me going and encourages a forward momentum in my quest for self-improvement and true independence.
I am working out three days a week. I got a membership to my local gym, and it has an option to get an "unlimited" childcare card. This allows me to take them in up to two hours a day, every day, and I get to work out in peace or just sit there with a book in the cafe. I go to a group spin class (which has the sweetest spin instructor I've ever had!) or work out on my own. I even managed to run a 10 minute mile for the first time in my LIFE!
This has had the single biggest impact of anything I've chosen to do lately. I have TONS of energy, which helps me keep up with the kids during the day, I'm happier thanks to the endorphins running through my body, and I'm looking leaner than I have since I completed a "Body Challenge" at the gym with my mother after having the twins. WIN, WIN, WIN.
Third, I've developed the blog a little bit more. I'm constantly making small tweaks and improvements, and I've enjoyed the positive results. I'm now on Ms. Single Mama's (www.mssinglemama.com) "Approved List", a successful single-mom blogger in her own right (hence, the snappy little button ------> ), and am featured on the homepage of singlemothers.org. I actually jumped up and down when I found out about each. :)
Here is a static image of the users who have viewed my blog in the last fifteen days... amazing! To think that even one more single mom can feel less alone as a result of me sharing my triumphs and follies is an incredible encouragement to me... let alone thousands!!!
The attention has made me more committed to putting quality content here, and has caused me to think more deeply about situations that would be helpful to my readers to hear about. It has also helped me to think with a different kind of thorough attention about choices I make and how I view myself - both of which have helped me to have an approach to my life that allows me to be authentic and less worried about the opinions of others who are not in my situation.
I love your feedback, so keep it coming! I have gotten so many wonderful letters and emails... they have been a great encouragement, and I hope I was able to be encouraging in return!!!
Things are changing, and I'm grateful for the feeling of pure joy that I hold in my heart. I was hurting so badly for two years, and I never thought I'd see the end of it. I used to dread waking up in the morning and thinking, "Oh, great... the day begins. It's only 16 hours until it's over and I can sleep another day away." Now, I wake up in the morning... and the first thought that pops into my head is, "What am I going to accomplish today???"
Something new is happening this year. I've seemed to get my groove back.
Instead of sitting around waiting to be asked on a date, I've put myself out there. Tried. Failed. Tried again. Struck up converstation at hardware stores, the market, the gym... anywhere I find myself kid-free for the moment. If things seem great, I offer them my card with my number, and ask for theirs in exchange if I feel REALLY good about how the conversation went, leaving one ball in my court.
I've met some great people, and I'm so glad that I'm finally losing the "I'm not good enough," or "no one will date a single mom" attitude. There are millions of us out there. Dating. Living. Moving on. It's a mindset. If you view yourself as less valuable than you are, that's how you will be treated. I refuse to accept that my love live is over. I am a good woman, with so much to offer, and my sons deserve a "real dad" that will be a part of their lives. They're pretty awesome, after all.
You may ask yourself, "Why are guys SO AFRAID of single mothers?"
Let's examine this.
Do we bite? Nooooooo.
Do we smell funny? Nooooo.
Are we one-eyed green ogres? Noooo.
What exactly is wrong with them? Why don't they see the many benefits we have as women, and as partners... aside from the fact that we have children?
The answer: They aren't. The right ones, anyway.
Some intelligent men actually realize that there is a PERSON behind the title "Mom", and that they make pretty amazing partners.
I've discovered that it's losing the fear of failure that enables success.
JUST ASK. What's the worst thing they can do... say "No?" I can guarantee they'll be flattered, even if they don't pick up on any of your advances.
So, instead of constantly looking at all my faults, all my "baggage" as some people call it, I am building myself up to a realistic view of myself. Just because I'm a single mother does NOT mean that I won't find someone amazing, who is a great match for me, a great partner, a great father. Instead of listening to heartbreak radio, I pick songs that are all about being fabulous and fun. I dance around the house getting my routine done, and am so energized when I'm done... I have a nice little bounce in my step. Looking at the plus side of what I've been through:
1. I'll survive. When life throws its worst at me, I'll bend... but I won't break. Ever.
2. I'm a good mother. When it counts, I put my kids first. But, I've learned to take time for myself to keep "me" healthy.
3. I have learned the value of hard work and perseverance, and will work hard for what I really believe in.
4. I'm loyal. Even when my marriage was falling apart, I gave him every opportunity to make it work. No stone was left unturned. When things go badly, I'll do the right thing. I'll fight for truth, and for what is good.
5. I know how to run a household, and did so successfully. Breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table every day, laundry hung in color-coordinated order... the works.
6. I've seen marriage at its best, and its worst. I know what to look for and what I want. I won't string anyone along that isn't for me. I've seen what happens to a heart that is broken and I refuse to do that to anyone else.
So, I may not be a freewheeling single girl with no attachments or responsibilities, but if a good guy is looking for someone true and loyal, as well as a dedicated partner, I'll be there. In the meantime, I can wait patiently for the one that God has for me... if it's in the cards.
My biggest New Year's resolution is to un-plug myself from social networking and actually get out more. Shocking, YES!
In the last month, I've limited myself to an hour of "fun internet" a day. By the end of February, I want to reduce it to 15 minutes (Except Netflix, which I hope to see at least a movie a week! I'm not a saint! LOL).
After spending two years nearly completely house-bound, I'm getting cabin fever in the worst way. I love being home with my children, but I love coming home to it after a fun-filled day even MORE. This involves several sacrifices on my part, some of my sanity, a little extra cash and some steely courage included on that list. But, after going to the gym a couple of days per week (THANK YOU UNLIMITED CHILDCARE CARD!!!), I am feeling more and more capable of managing my kiddos out of my house. Small steps.
Instead of just "surviving" my days, I've started really enjoying time with my kids more. Spending time with them actually "WITH" them. Singing silly songs, dancing, telling pirate stories, building awesome lego castles... even just sitting with them on my lap on the floor. Anything that makes them smile seems like a good idea to me. I've noticed a lot of improvement in their attitudes and behavior. Their diet is healthy and natural, and I've been introducing even more veggies and fresh foods, which has also improved their moods and leveled out their blood sugar (resulting in less crazy/crash behavior). The reduction of sugar has been the biggest change for us, and that has helped me out a lot in managing their boy behavior.
Reducing the clutter in my home has been one of the biggest life changes propelling me, as well. I've been going closet-to-closet, room-to-room in an effort to streamline my daily living. I've gotten a large pile into the garage to take to charities and friends, and I'm looking forward to seeing THAT disappear! I want a picture of the pile before I do, though - in an effort to remind me of what even a little time away from my necessary tasks can create. BIG MONSTER. It will be much more easily managed with less time online.
How much are you willing to un-plug? Do you feel that internet access can sometimes create a "reclusive" personality in those with a tendency to be shy? Do you feel it's affected our society negatively?
I am a subscriber to this great website - Flylady.com. She is a genius! For those of us that grew up with hectic schedules, and for me personally, four brothers that perpetually destroyed the house, finding a firm routine is the best way to cut through the clutter and mess of life successfully. I thought she was limited to just cleaning.
NO!
She posted this great story about our emotional state, and I feel it's applicable for everyone.
ESPECIALLY SINGLE MOTHERS, AND ESPECIALLY ME!!! I have so much going on in my life that can turn negative, but with the right attitude, I can even turn THAT around. She sets a timer for how long she allows herself to WALLOW in her current misery. BRILLIANT! Feel it, experience the hurt, work through it and GET OVER IT!
I hope this helps y'all as much as it helped me. Of course, I incorporate God into the equation, too, and add "crying out to God" into my routine. After re-focusing on my priority, the Lord, my whole day turns around!
~Erin
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Dear Flylady...
...I've taken your 15 minute system and applied it to other things as well. The one that has really saved me is this.... when something happens and I'm feeling sad or blue about it - I set my timer for 15 minutes and really WALLOW. "Woe is me, how terrible" and I try to really get ridiculous in the self pity. Then my timer dings and I have to get the heck over it. So far I haven't made the full 15 minutes before laughing at how silly I'm being. Then I get up and go clean something for 15 minutes.
A good friend got some very bad news - her husband had had his hours reduced at work. She was really feeling sorry for herself and called me to complain. I set my timer and told her "Okay, you've got 15 minute to wallow and then you have to get over it" so we spent 15 minutes down in the dumps. The timer dinged and then I set it for 15 minutes again. We spent the next 15 minutes (and then some) coming up with a plan for her to make it through.
