Never Dreamt...

When I first learned that I was about to become a mother, I never dreamed the crazy places my life would take me.

I wouldn't have thought I'd be in a town hit with a devastating tornado (Enterprise, AL) and narrowly miss being in the tornado's path, I never thought I'd become pregnant again less than a year after having my first child, I REALLY never thought that pregnancy would result in TWIN (!) BOYS (!) coming into my world, and I didn't dream that before their arrival I'd essentially become a single mother, and that after their arrival that it would become official before they turned a year old.

Most of all, I never planned on doing this motherhood thing alone.

Although that can seem really sad and depressing to some, I'm perfectly at peace with where God has me. When life throws us a curveball, and in this case, a REALLY curvy one, God is always trying to teach us something.

What have I learned?

Patience beyond understanding. Empathy at a whole new level. I've turned my "judgement" button off, no matter how serious a situation might seem. I've learned to value friendships and relationships with family with a reverence I've never before understood, especially with my former-in-laws. Endurance. Endurance. Endurance.

So, don't pity me. Celebrate our resilience as God's people with me. After all, it is our "signature move". True faith produces all of these things in us naturally, and when those blessings come, we can't help but celebrate with even more joy.

What If's

There were many moments in my divorce that were pivotal, and at times, symbolic. One of the moments I found most poignant was during my ex's trip to return my belongings during the late summer just weeks after our divorce was final. Interestingly enough, this was the first time we had seen each other in person since he had said he wanted a divorce (after he'd met someone else). We had talked about where things were, and if we wanted to get back together. I had never, ever given up wanting to re-unite. Our feelings for each other had not changed at all, even despite our circumstances (he got another woman pregnant). He ended up coming to the realization that neither of us could endure the painful steps to get back together, especially having to reconcile with the people he had hurt along the way. His answer made me realize that I couldn't, either. We cried on the deck of his parent's house. We had spent time together with our sons as if no time or hurt had passed between us, but that wasn't enough to overcome the growing number of challenges that we would have had to face. I then loaded the kids and drove away, thinking that would be the last time I'd see him for a long while.

Strangely, fate would have us see each other one last time. The next day I saw his now familiar black Dodge pickup truck with the blue infantry cord hanging from the rearview mirror (that I had placed on his shoulder when he graduated from basic training) pull up to the stop sign near my parent's house at the exact same time as I did. Funny enough, I was on my way to photograph a friend's wedding. I learned later that he was on his way to golf with his dad. We both immediately noticed each other and stared wide-eyed as if we were looking at a car accident. As was his habit, he didn't have a turn signal on. I turned right, and he turned left. Our lives would take decidedly different paths, regardless of how we felt, and that was ok. It was everything I could do to maintain my composure through the ceremony, but I did, and it was a beautiful one.

It was one of those moments that felt like it was straight out of a movie script, but it was painfully real.

Today, that intersection is now a roundabout. I couldn't have invented a more perfect scenario on my own.

I've run over and over the entire thing, from when we met until when we parted thousands of times. I try to find answers to so many questions that, although have been "answered", still do not make concrete sense in my mind. Did he love me? Did I love him? Did I do something to deserve how he treated me? What if he hadn't gone into the Army? What if I had pressed him more to go to counseling after the war? Did I marry him just to get out of Idaho and away from hurtful people in my life? What if I'd joined in the drinking and seen past his fears and helped him find healing? What if we hadn't gone to the flight program? Were we married too young?  What if I had finished my degree first? What if I had not gotten sick after my first pregnancy? The list goes on and on.

The funny thing about roundabouts is that you could choose to go around and around, never stopping, never going anywhere. Or, you could choose to glide out of it as easily as you steered into it.

Lately, I've been choosing the latter. The first couple of years of the heartbreak left me going around in circles and spinning my wheels, but lately I've been rejoicing in how far I've come, and how blessed I am. I do not have the same emotional baggage that others in this situation have the burden of carrying. I know that I handled the situation the very best I could, and I wouldn't change a single thing. I have the joy of knowing I am raising my children in a safe, loving environment free from fighting and sleepless nights worrying about where my husband is. I'm free to return to school and finish what I started. I'm free to raise my sons where we grew up and with the comfort of a home that God has provided for us in the most beautiful place I can imagine. I have the blessing of being friends with my former-in-laws and having them be an active part of my children's lives on even a daily basis (even bringing us soup when we are sick!). I have the most wonderful church community, friends and family that a woman could ever ask for. I'm even free to fall in love again - the real kind. I know what that feels like, and I know I'll find it again. My eyes and heart are open.

By focusing on my desired destination, I'm more apt to get there.

Words To Live By

Single mothers live a very different "family life" than a traditional two-parent home.

I have a dear friend who recently had her husband leave for a month to train for a sport, and this was the longest time they'd ever spent apart. Because I spent up to a year apart from my husband during our marriage and survived (and that I've been doing the parenting job solo going on 5 years), she sought me out for advice and help on how to cope with caring for her two boys and effectively manage her schedule. This got me thinking that my list may be helpful to other single mothers in need of direction as well.

1. Do not expect perfection! We can only do what we can, and being frustrated or depressed that we are not able to keep everything in perfect order is only going to set us back further. Focus on the tasks at hand, and check them off one-by-one. How do you climb a mountain? ONE step at a time.

2. Form an excellent support system, most importantly by being a reliable, caring friend FIRST! Single mothers often need favors from friends, but don't become the person constantly asking and never giving. Whatever your strengths are.... doing a friend's makeup or hair for a big night out, cooking when they're sick and dropping off meals during trials, watching others' kids in exchange, helping a friend learn how to coupon or craft, hosting a girls' night at your house with movies and popcorn.... be creative in building close friendships that are more than just a Facebook "like" relationship. You know what I'm saying. :)

3. Create systems in your home to make your life easier. Lay out the kids' clothes the night before so there is no fight in the morning. Have a boot bench by the door to house shoes upon entry to your home to reduce on the need to clean your carpets every thirty seconds and to keep from playing the "let's find the shoes" game. Put together freezer meals for busy nights (@Pinterest has great ideas!).

4. When it comes to kids' clothes and supplies, re-sell them! Don't waste your hard-earned money. Give each item a good wash and spot treat, and sell at either a good consignment store or at a consignment event like Just Between Friends sales. This will enable you to get more of what your kids need in their current sizes. Time is money if you manage it wisely.

5. Encourage independence in your children. Have them take tasks into their own hands at appropriate ages. It takes a great deal of time to train them, but the time you save in the long-run will far outweigh the time to teach them!

6. Care for yourself emotionally. Watch girly movies. Engage in your passion, whether it be a craft, cooking, hiking, swimming.... anything to get you out of the routine of daily life and makes you smile. Make a list of the things you really enjoy and put it on your bedroom door or somewhere else you'll see it.

7. FIND AN EXCELLENT BABYSITTER! Babysitters mean FREEDOM! I have six on speed-dial so I always know I can find someone in a pinch. Of course, make sure they are CPR and first aid certified in case of emergencies, and always request reference letters.

8. Take a shower EVERY morning... even on your lazy days. Nothing gets your engine running faster than clean skin and bouncy hair! You may want to skip this when you're feeling tired and overwhelmed, but this will be the fastest ticket to a lack of productivity and poor self-image.

9. When you're feeling down, clean! Turn the music up and pick a small spot in your house to conquer. Before you know it, you'll start feeling better and more in control of what is going on in your life, even if the cleaning doesn't solve the problem you're facing... it'll still look pretty and make you smile!

10. When all else fails and the world is closing in around you, love on your kids. Look them right in the eye and talk to them. Tell them how much they mean to you and then if they're little enough, snuggle them until they say they want to be left alone. :) The power of touch and connecting to those precious little ones can help to re-focus you on what is important.

God knows where you are and what you are capable of. He is never surprised by your circumstances, choices or desires. Although these different ideas/actions help a little, the most powerful thing to change the way you feel and the way you live is to be in perpetual communication with the person who loves you most, through honest, open prayer.

If you've ever wondered how to pray, it is simply having a conversation with God as if he were sitting right with you. I pray while I'm driving, cleaning, even during some conversations! Just like when you read a book "to yourself", no one even has to know what you're saying or that you're praying at all. Keep those lines of communication strong and it will serve you well in all aspects of your life!

Delayed Goals

This past semester in college was tough, and it made me frustrated and ineffective. Being a full-time mother of three young boys AND a full-time college student wasn't in my abilities. I was trying to get my pre-requisites accomplished to take part in the cohort this summer, a 7:30am-5pm intensive course for education, but I just couldn't get it all done in the short amount of time I was given. I was full-time last summer, too, and felt thoroughly burned out.

This led me to a place I am extremely unfamiliar with - I didn't achieve the goal I set out to conquer.

Feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness and disappointment overwhelmed me for much of Christmas break and into the new semester, and I lost focus on what was important. God knew this would happen. He sees everything that happens in my life. It was no surprise to my creator, and He will use ALL things for the good of those who love Him (me), so why was I fretting so much?

As long as I keep moving forward and putting my children first, everything will come together in His time. Now I get a true summer BREAK with my boys. All I have is a couple of courses online to accomplish, and I won't be stuck there for the majority of the day. This also gives me time to save money for next summer's cohort. Childcare for one child full-time is going to be about 1500.00 per month.....! That is 3,000.00 for just two months of my kids being cared for while I work. Praying that it all comes together at that point! I know, however, that if God means for me to be a teacher, it will happen.

For now, I can effectively manage what has been put before me, and have time to truly enjoy my sons in this rapidly changing phase of their lives. My oldest is being registered for both t-ball and Kindergarten this week. This has been a time I've looked forward to with such anticipation!

Doing my best to continue to take one day at a time, advancing my possibilities and staying focused on my ultimate goal - being obedient to God's will for my life with my every step.

A poem for you...

Letting Go Takes Love


To let go does not mean to stop caring,
   it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
   it's the realization I can't control another.To let go is not to enable,
   but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
   the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
   it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
   but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
   but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
   but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
   but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
   it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
   but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
   but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
   but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
       andTo let go and to let God, is to find peace !Remember: The time to love is short ------ author unknown

Winds of change

It would appear that my life is completely unrecognizable from what it was a year ago.

So many things in my circumstances have improved, but the most noticeable changes are those that are going on in my heart.

1. I've stopped believing that my marriage could have been saved.
   - I've realized through repeated trial and error that it was something beyond salvaging, nor would I have wished anything could have been different about the way I handled it. I gave him grace when it was undeserved, and even though it causes me some problems now, I'm still proud of what I did in spite of his vitriol at the time. It has taught me what it truly means to "turn the other cheek", and it humbles me even greater in the shadow of Christ's sacrifice.

2. I've fully realized my worth and the qualities I value.
   - During years of emotional trauma in my marriage, I lost myself. I was so worried about trying to help my then husband that I forgot to take care of me. After three years of recovering from a devastating divorce, raising twins and a toddler alone and going to school to finish my degree, I can see how much I'm really capable of. I've learned that I have great qualities that can, at times, move mountains.

3. I've stopped being afraid of my ex.
   - When he used to threaten me against doing something, or demanded that I never wear brown,  I acquiesced. I thought that was what a true Christian wife was. However, I learned that a Christian husband respects his wife's leading by God first even before his influence over her. I've learned that God made us as partners, not dictators.

4. I've stopped being afraid of life "coming to get me".
    - I have started to accept circumstantial change as natural and fluid. People will let us down. We'll lose sometimes. Things will break, get lost and cost us money that we at times don't have. God is the one who has true control over life, and even if I try to protect, fix, help or modify any of it, ultimately God's will is going to be done. I've learned that I simply need to put each footstep where God directs it and leave the rest to Him.

5. I've gained more faithful friends than I've ever had.
    - My new-found self esteem has enabled me to be choosier with who I trust, and I've never been happier with the group of people I have chosen to surround me and share my triumphs and my sorrows. The test of a true friend is loyalty and faith, and they've all passed with flying colors on all too many occasions. I've learned that having negative, "fair weather" friends poisons my soul.

6. The right man will love you right where you are.
    - I spent so much time trying to make myself outwardly beautiful enough for a new guy in my life, but God was working even more fervently on my inner beauty all along. It's that inner beauty that lasts beyond wrinkles and gray hair. Ultimately, the best guys I've dated have been attracted to my heart first, and my appearance second. I've learned that if you're dating, worry less about what your date looks like and more about what he acts like.

What are some of the most powerful lessons you've learned over this past year?

Mission Accomplished

After 20 weeks of training and pushing myself beyond what I thought I was capable of, I am a marathon finisher! I completed the 26.2 miles just 11 seconds under my goal of finishing in 7 hours according to the official times. Averaging 16 minutes per mile was tough on my body, and I've been resting as much as I could... but somehow three little boys keep me "on my toes". Imagine that! :)

For those of you who are interested in my experience, here's a little synopsis of the events:

I woke up the morning of the race to the most incredible sunrise, and showed up at the start line at around 5am. It was about 50 degrees, so I was really happy - that's the exact kind of weather I've been training in. It was like an arctic blast of air conditioning the entire time. There was a group of about 60 other people starting at that time, and when the course opened at 5:30 am, I was ready. I walked the first two miles to warm up, and then began to run/walk the duration of the course. I felt surprisingly energetic through the first 13 miles, and running along the lake was an incredible way to start the race.

I met up with my mother who was also running the course (a LOT faster than me!) when I was at about my mile 12 and she was at mile 15, giving her a hug and quickly pushing on. My two younger brothers were our support crew, and they met us at crucial points to give us sports drinks and food to re-fuel. They were so positive and motivating! I'm one lucky girl.

A significant mistake I made was trying to consume one of the "gel packs" for fuel..... it has the consistency of double-thick Vaseline. I had to stop for several minutes to try to choke it down. Never again! The other mistake I made was at mile 14, when I decided to lace my shoes much tighter. It felt better for my legs, but ended up leaving bruises on the tops of my feet. By the end of the race, I could barely walk because of the foot pain. Mile 25 seemed to stretch on forever, but I had made a commitment to myself to run through the pain, now increasing in intensity with every step. Ciara's "Work" was my power song that I played on repeat at the end.... it kept my feet moving!

When I could see the finish line, I started to cry. All the hard work I'd put into making it here was finally over, and fruitful. Although I trained with the goal in mind, I didn't think I could actually do it. Really. Training had taken over all of my free time, but I still didn't feel ready. And yet... there I was. My feet carried me there, somehow! 

Of course, in true single mom fashion, I had to take care of the boys immediately following the marathon. The grandparents dropped them off at 12:35, six minutes after I'd completed the race. I was limping, and they thought it was pretty funny. Will was distressed though, "Mommy, I prayed for you that you wouldn't get hurt, but you look hurt. Did I not pray hard enough?" This broke my heart! I responded, "Will, thank you so much for praying for me. I am only sore from running sooooooo far. I'll be better very soon!" I love my sweet boys. My dad took care of them when I took an ice bath, (which sounds awful, but it really helps with my recovery!) and then I took them all home so I could attempt to enjoy some couch time. Shane was particularly helpful as "errand boy" - he brought me fresh bags of frozen peas for my feet and knees, and made sure my feet were always covered with the blanket. ;) We all watched Disney movies until it was time for bed. 

The next day was the worst pain-wise, but we went up to the kids' grandparent's house again for a Memorial Day barbecue, and I was able to sit with my legs propped up while they ran around the ranch. Today I'm nearly back to normal, and feeling very grateful for everyone who helped me on this journey!

The question now is: what do I want to conquer next?

My Marathon Journey

Have you ever done something that didn't make any sense at all, but gave you a new perspective and energized you with joy?

A couple of months ago, I got the crazy idea that I'd like to run a marathon. This began a new chapter in my life and how I define motherhood.

The idea began brewing just as I'd completely given up on keeping up my appearance and weight. I'd dated 20+ guys since the divorce, hadn't found anyone worth spending time with who would also accept my sons, and felt like any effort I put forth in my fitness was for nothing. I wasn't finding "Mr. Right", so going to the gym wasn't necessary, right?

I put on about 20 extra pounds after two challenges I set before myself this summer. One was to bake a loaf a bread a day for a month, and the other was to make a pie a week for two months. No wonder. :)

Around February, I felt pretty depressed and tired all the time. I prayed about a solution, and it came almost immediately.

The weight had to come off, and fitness had to be my priority - but this time, not for a guy.... for myself. When my mother completed her 6th marathon, I decided to jump on that bandwagon and surprise her for Mother's Day with my registration for a 26.2 miler, just like her. I began researching training methods immediately, got a Nike+ chip for my iPod to calculate my distances and record my workouts, and started running 20 miles per week, every week.

Naturally, being the bundle of excitement that I am, I broke the news to her about a month early. We went shopping for running shoes that very day. It gave me an opportunity to bond with her in a way that I haven't been able to do in years.

We both ran Bloomsday, a local 7.5 mile course, and I met my goal time of 1:37 minutes, 3 minutes under the time I'd set for myself. I've officially caught the running bug!

 Now that I'm just two weeks away from the big event, the pinnacle of my training is this week before I taper off. All I want to do is complete it. I don't have any lofty goals about keeping a 10 minute per mile pace, or even of breaking 6 hours. I just want to finish in one piece. I want to show my sons that no matter what your circumstances, you can achieve your goals and finish the race you've undertaken. I want to be fit and healthy, and have a hobby that is free (save the running shoes).

So, who am I running for? My sons. I want to be the kind of mother that they can truly be proud of, and that can keep up with them. Wish me luck! It's crunch time.


"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:10

On to summer!

I'm sitting with my morning coffee, sun on my shoulders from the window, with the sound of Sesame Street in the background. I'm thoroughly enjoying the moment. It's the first morning since school started in January that I don't have a single stressful deadline looming overhead, and my only goal for the day is to be "Mom". Being a student-mother is incredibly stressful. Keeping your mind in a "learning mode" is stressful as it is, without the worries of parenthood compounding that process. The last few weeks were incredibly demanding of my time, and it left the kids feeling lonely. At their preschool, we write "love notes" back and forth often. The most recent one broke my heart! Here is the note I got from Will:

As much as I wish I could stay home with my kids until they were five with no other responsibilities except to make them feel safe, secure and loved, I don't have that option anymore. However, I sit here triumphant because I met all my goals and completed the semester with excellent grades and most of the semester was able to give the kiddos the attention they required, stay home and care for them when they were sick, and use my new skills to teach them all the letters and their sounds. The two hour (total) daily commute, long, snowy winter and flu season are behind us.

This weekend I'll be taking the kids to our local theme park, and I can't wait to give them the best of my time! We asked the family to contribute to season passes for the summer, and we can go every day if we want for a couple hours to tire the littles out a bit. It's only a few minutes away from my doorstep, so we don't even have to worry about the cost of food in the park. What wonderful memories we will be able to make!

In January, I had no idea I'd be able to make it here. Now that I've completed this crucial step in my education and in my life after divorce, I'm so grateful that I took the leap!

What have you accomplished lately on your list of short or long-term goals? What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Maintaining Momentum

I'm doing it all, but just barely!

I have several large projects going on right now. I'm training for my first marathon in May (since mid-February), I'm in the last weeks of school for the semester, gearing up for summer semester, finishing up some started plants inside, caring for the chickens, spring cleanup in the yard (which is a large undertaking for me because I live in the country surrounded by trees - a lot of leaves and branches!), the blog, photography clients, a weight loss challenge with friends and most importantly, raising my sons to be good citizens and kind-hearted men. It may sound like a lot, and it is. But, someone once told me, "If you want something done, ask the busiest person you know." I'm that kind of person - the more I do, the more I CAN do.

I've gotten some major milestones out of the way this week as well. I've planned my academic calendar for the next two years with my university advisor (and finally have a graduation date- Fall 2013!), arranged for preschool for all three boys next year much closer to my house and for 1/3 of the price I was paying previously, I've begun booking for summer photography events, and arranged for my summer classes to be taken online instead of in person so I can stay home with the boys and spend the summer taking them to our local theme park, just five minutes away, and to California (and Disneyland) to visit family.

The struggle these days is just to maintain the momentum I went into the semester with, and to finish strong. I'm also training myself to do that with my running.

This is all new to me - I've NEVER been a runner. In cheerleading, I was always the LAST one back on the lap around the school, which was all we did. I am pretty sure asthma contributed to it, but now that I have that under control, I want to conquer it. I began with 3 miles at a time of jogging/walking, and I'm up to 6 miles run/jogging at this point. It feels incredible. I took on outdoor running for the first time down the country road by my house, and it was amazing.

You see and experience your surroundings in a whole new way when you're on foot. The clouds were big and puffy, with the backdrop of a bright blue sky and sunshine, the weather was a cool but comfortable 60 degrees, and the fields are beginning to turn a bright emerald green from all the rain and milder temperatures. Just the feeling of the warm sun on my face, the lively, happy music on my iPod, and the new pair of running shoes on my feet made me feel like I could soar. So many things are coming together, for me and for my sons. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. In my marriage, there were so many things that I was told I couldn't do or shouldn't do (like school or wearing the color brown), and I feel set free in so many ways. My sole focus remains raising great children and nurturing my spirit with His guidance. To do His work. To learn His lessons, and accomplish His goals. I can do all of this now without hindrance or worry.

I couldn't help but praise God the entire time for the feeling of joy consuming my spirit as I glided past farms, fields, streams and the occasional deer. Flowers are beginning to emerge now that spring is approaching, and I felt just like that - a woman ready to bloom.

Continuing the climb

It's been a LONG while since my last post - mainly because I've completely overloaded my schedule. I am the kind of person who needs short term, long term and "dream" goals in constant rotation in order to feel alive.

Current goals:

1. Continue to give my children the attention and enrichment they deserve.
2. Run a 5k in the spring (5 miles to run a day for 3 days a week).
3. Grow my garden from seed, and build raised beds filled with good-quality soil.
4. Finish the semester with no lower than a B in Chemistry. Harder than it sounds! (This requires 6+ hours of studying and homework in a week by itself!)
5. Maintain a good house cleaning schedule so I don't get overwhelmed.

What types of goals are you setting for yourself in the next 3 months? In the next year? Dream big!

Never, ever give up!

I just had a little bit of a breakthrough. I have an A in Chemistry (so far). I have NEVER gotten A's on assignments in Chemistry.

I have always thought I wasn't good at math and science, and true - they are not my strengths. I don't enjoy studying them, I don't grasp the concepts easily. I pretty much suck at them in every way imaginable.

*But*, this time when I take this course, I am taking a different approach. I am tirelessly, relentlessly exhausting every tool at my disposal to "get" concepts I don't understand. I'm stopping at nothing to achieve my goal, true, lasting comprehension of the topics we cover. From asking friends in class to making my younger, smarter brother my personal chemistry problem call center, I've found the secret to my success. Not only in this, but a life-lesson in how to achieve goals.

Never, EVER give up just because it is the 'easy' way out. Don't let a roadblock stop you. The only thing that should ever stop us is God's leading. When I feel a profound sense of unease about taking a certain project on, I do not move forward. But this was something I knew I needed to accomplish, and to knock out of the park.

So much of re-building after a painful divorce involves finding yourself, being able to accurately measure your abilities, and see your true potential. When we look past the labels we were given before and especially during and after the divorce handed to us from our exes, we can tend to lean toward an "empty shell" personality. When we live vibrantly, seeking out color and light wherever we go, and contributing to the joy of others through honest, fearless interaction seasoned with grace, there are no limits to our achievements.

Holidaze

I've noticed two things on Facebook lately:

Some people really HATE Valentine's Day.

Some people really LOVE Valentine's Day.

What do these two people have in common? They value love. If the holiday were just a "love" day and not a "show off to the rest of the world by buying something expensive for your significant other or you'll feel like a loser (especially if you're single) day", it would be a completely different news feed. Can you imagine it?

"May God bless you and may you feel the depth of His love," or "I LOVE my FRIENDS! Happy Valentine's Day!"

So many holidays are isolating experiences for those who either do not share the faith, have lost family members (or their entire family), are enduring financial hardships, or are single. This doesn't mean we can't each find a way to make every holiday meaningful to US, individually.

I have been single for three Valentine's Days post-divorce, and the first two were awful. Not only does the day co-incide with our anniversary, AND a day of "love", AND the day I found out my spouse was cheating and using my credit card for a weekend away with his lover, AND the day I found out about their baby on the way, but the sincere outward displays of love from others to each other were difficult to endure with the wrong mindset.

No one owes me anything. I'm not entitled to have a romantic relationship, it's a treasure. It is not a common finding to have true, real romantic love. I'd rather be alone and an excellent mother to my boys than be in a relationship that is not of God's architecture. When I pray for my heart rather than wallow in the hurt of loneliness, joy finds its way in. Despite my "past" with this holiday, God secures my future daily with a renewed sense of belonging to Him and his UNENDING love.

How awesome is that?

I went out with one of my oldest friends here in Idaho, Steve. We're both single and genuinely enjoy each other's company, and we had the most amazing weekend! I hosted a "singles" party at my house and made dinner for some dear friends, then on Monday we went out to a favorite Italian restauraunt with a big group and laughed all night.

I also did some special things with the boys - and made them little baskets of goodies to wake up to and share with their preschool class. Here's a photo I snapped of them before we left the house. They were my favorite Valentines!

Two years ago I'd never imagine how lovely this holiday could be, and all it took was a change of HEART. :)