Knowing what we want, and what we *don't*.

The post-divorce landscape has been covered in rocks and rough terrain, but lately the path has gotten much smoother. Time and space can give us clarity if we allow ourselves to properly heal.

One of the hardest things to do after a marriage ends is to date effectively. I know that I'm the rule, not the exception when it comes to this. In the beginning, I'd let anyone who showed even a measure of care for me into my life right away. You can imagine the hurt this caused. Time and time again, I would look past red flags and keep charging down the path with no thought to my own well-being.

Luckily, in January of this year, I reached a breaking point. It was painful, but healing. Not in the I "know" this to be true kind of way, but to DEEPLY know truth in a sincere way.

As a result, I've accepted dates much less. I know precisely what I'm looking for. I also know what I will not tolerate or "settle" for. It is a long list, to be sure, but I can remember vividly the first time I fell in love and how wonderfully I was surprised that this person did exist. The keeper of my heart. This time, I'll accept nothing less. I've watched him settle for what he stumbled upon, and he's miserable as a result. Simply enduring the trap he set for himself.

I've gotten good at respectfully breaking up with people who don't fit into my life the way I hope, and that was a difficult skill to learn. For anyone who has to break up with someone, I would hope that you would consider their feelings, but be honest with them. Give them the tools to move forward and overcome the things that held them back in the relationship, with a spirit of kindness. If you can't say it kindly, then by all means, omit it. By all means, make sure that you're *sure* about any choices you make romantically before you make them so that there is no confusion or mixed signals. Clean breaks are hard to come by, but I always hope that we can part having learned from each other and with respect for each other.

Have you had to walk away from something you knew wasn't right for you? What were some things that made that process a smoother one for you?

Praying for God-size solutions.

My church group meets once a week, and while they have wonderful things to report about their lives with increasing frequency, I seem to be still "just getting by" and trying to endure the hurts and disappointments that continue to blast both me and my children, and I find myself frequently asking for prayer to cope with each new challenge.

I'm blessed to have an old friend who has such an incredible heart for the Lord who asked me to join this group, and she has prayed for me every time with grace and sincerity. For the longest time, she has believed in me and lifted me up when I thought I had no value or worth. Her faith in my abilities and in the beauty of who God made me to be has been one of my greatest encouragements.

The other day, she gave me a call after a particularly difficult week, and listened to the latest struggle with my oldest boy's hurting heart as he begins to understand what happened to our family. Seeing my hurt children, complicated family dynamics, learning to be alone and raising a family, financial challenges... the list goes on and on. We always overcome, but we are war-weary.

Her solution was one that I completely ignored for a time, thinking myself unworthy or "blessed enough". She mentioned that she would be praying to "God-size solutions" and blessings to give me true joy after all of the heartbreak. A state of praise-filled waiting for all of the wonderful good things God is going to accomplish in our lives as a result of all of this difficulty and faithful obedience to His will for our lives. Hopeful patience. Joyful anticipation. These are where my heart and mind are focused now, and I know that is how my God wants me to live. Not just existing, but dancing.

What If's

There were many moments in my divorce that were pivotal, and at times, symbolic. One of the moments I found most poignant was during my ex's trip to return my belongings during the late summer just weeks after our divorce was final. Interestingly enough, this was the first time we had seen each other in person since he had said he wanted a divorce (after he'd met someone else). We had talked about where things were, and if we wanted to get back together. I had never, ever given up wanting to re-unite. Our feelings for each other had not changed at all, even despite our circumstances (he got another woman pregnant). He ended up coming to the realization that neither of us could endure the painful steps to get back together, especially having to reconcile with the people he had hurt along the way. His answer made me realize that I couldn't, either. We cried on the deck of his parent's house. We had spent time together with our sons as if no time or hurt had passed between us, but that wasn't enough to overcome the growing number of challenges that we would have had to face. I then loaded the kids and drove away, thinking that would be the last time I'd see him for a long while.

Strangely, fate would have us see each other one last time. The next day I saw his now familiar black Dodge pickup truck with the blue infantry cord hanging from the rearview mirror (that I had placed on his shoulder when he graduated from basic training) pull up to the stop sign near my parent's house at the exact same time as I did. Funny enough, I was on my way to photograph a friend's wedding. I learned later that he was on his way to golf with his dad. We both immediately noticed each other and stared wide-eyed as if we were looking at a car accident. As was his habit, he didn't have a turn signal on. I turned right, and he turned left. Our lives would take decidedly different paths, regardless of how we felt, and that was ok. It was everything I could do to maintain my composure through the ceremony, but I did, and it was a beautiful one.

It was one of those moments that felt like it was straight out of a movie script, but it was painfully real.

Today, that intersection is now a roundabout. I couldn't have invented a more perfect scenario on my own.

I've run over and over the entire thing, from when we met until when we parted thousands of times. I try to find answers to so many questions that, although have been "answered", still do not make concrete sense in my mind. Did he love me? Did I love him? Did I do something to deserve how he treated me? What if he hadn't gone into the Army? What if I had pressed him more to go to counseling after the war? Did I marry him just to get out of Idaho and away from hurtful people in my life? What if I'd joined in the drinking and seen past his fears and helped him find healing? What if we hadn't gone to the flight program? Were we married too young?  What if I had finished my degree first? What if I had not gotten sick after my first pregnancy? The list goes on and on.

The funny thing about roundabouts is that you could choose to go around and around, never stopping, never going anywhere. Or, you could choose to glide out of it as easily as you steered into it.

Lately, I've been choosing the latter. The first couple of years of the heartbreak left me going around in circles and spinning my wheels, but lately I've been rejoicing in how far I've come, and how blessed I am. I do not have the same emotional baggage that others in this situation have the burden of carrying. I know that I handled the situation the very best I could, and I wouldn't change a single thing. I have the joy of knowing I am raising my children in a safe, loving environment free from fighting and sleepless nights worrying about where my husband is. I'm free to return to school and finish what I started. I'm free to raise my sons where we grew up and with the comfort of a home that God has provided for us in the most beautiful place I can imagine. I have the blessing of being friends with my former-in-laws and having them be an active part of my children's lives on even a daily basis (even bringing us soup when we are sick!). I have the most wonderful church community, friends and family that a woman could ever ask for. I'm even free to fall in love again - the real kind. I know what that feels like, and I know I'll find it again. My eyes and heart are open.

By focusing on my desired destination, I'm more apt to get there.

Words To Live By

Single mothers live a very different "family life" than a traditional two-parent home.

I have a dear friend who recently had her husband leave for a month to train for a sport, and this was the longest time they'd ever spent apart. Because I spent up to a year apart from my husband during our marriage and survived (and that I've been doing the parenting job solo going on 5 years), she sought me out for advice and help on how to cope with caring for her two boys and effectively manage her schedule. This got me thinking that my list may be helpful to other single mothers in need of direction as well.

1. Do not expect perfection! We can only do what we can, and being frustrated or depressed that we are not able to keep everything in perfect order is only going to set us back further. Focus on the tasks at hand, and check them off one-by-one. How do you climb a mountain? ONE step at a time.

2. Form an excellent support system, most importantly by being a reliable, caring friend FIRST! Single mothers often need favors from friends, but don't become the person constantly asking and never giving. Whatever your strengths are.... doing a friend's makeup or hair for a big night out, cooking when they're sick and dropping off meals during trials, watching others' kids in exchange, helping a friend learn how to coupon or craft, hosting a girls' night at your house with movies and popcorn.... be creative in building close friendships that are more than just a Facebook "like" relationship. You know what I'm saying. :)

3. Create systems in your home to make your life easier. Lay out the kids' clothes the night before so there is no fight in the morning. Have a boot bench by the door to house shoes upon entry to your home to reduce on the need to clean your carpets every thirty seconds and to keep from playing the "let's find the shoes" game. Put together freezer meals for busy nights (@Pinterest has great ideas!).

4. When it comes to kids' clothes and supplies, re-sell them! Don't waste your hard-earned money. Give each item a good wash and spot treat, and sell at either a good consignment store or at a consignment event like Just Between Friends sales. This will enable you to get more of what your kids need in their current sizes. Time is money if you manage it wisely.

5. Encourage independence in your children. Have them take tasks into their own hands at appropriate ages. It takes a great deal of time to train them, but the time you save in the long-run will far outweigh the time to teach them!

6. Care for yourself emotionally. Watch girly movies. Engage in your passion, whether it be a craft, cooking, hiking, swimming.... anything to get you out of the routine of daily life and makes you smile. Make a list of the things you really enjoy and put it on your bedroom door or somewhere else you'll see it.

7. FIND AN EXCELLENT BABYSITTER! Babysitters mean FREEDOM! I have six on speed-dial so I always know I can find someone in a pinch. Of course, make sure they are CPR and first aid certified in case of emergencies, and always request reference letters.

8. Take a shower EVERY morning... even on your lazy days. Nothing gets your engine running faster than clean skin and bouncy hair! You may want to skip this when you're feeling tired and overwhelmed, but this will be the fastest ticket to a lack of productivity and poor self-image.

9. When you're feeling down, clean! Turn the music up and pick a small spot in your house to conquer. Before you know it, you'll start feeling better and more in control of what is going on in your life, even if the cleaning doesn't solve the problem you're facing... it'll still look pretty and make you smile!

10. When all else fails and the world is closing in around you, love on your kids. Look them right in the eye and talk to them. Tell them how much they mean to you and then if they're little enough, snuggle them until they say they want to be left alone. :) The power of touch and connecting to those precious little ones can help to re-focus you on what is important.

God knows where you are and what you are capable of. He is never surprised by your circumstances, choices or desires. Although these different ideas/actions help a little, the most powerful thing to change the way you feel and the way you live is to be in perpetual communication with the person who loves you most, through honest, open prayer.

If you've ever wondered how to pray, it is simply having a conversation with God as if he were sitting right with you. I pray while I'm driving, cleaning, even during some conversations! Just like when you read a book "to yourself", no one even has to know what you're saying or that you're praying at all. Keep those lines of communication strong and it will serve you well in all aspects of your life!

Life's "Little" Surprises

I was inspired by something I read this morning. It was all about the surprise of a mom having twins... and it made me reminisce about some surprises that changed my life.

Surprise #1- I grew up in Southern California, and lived in the same house for 8 years. My whole family lived nearby, my mother taught at the school I attended, and we enjoyed being able to frequent Disneyland on a weekly basis. When I was 9, my Dad and Mom told us that we'd be moving. To IDAHO. I freaked out. I was going to lose all of my friends, my home, and my grandmother, who was currently battling cancer. One year after we moved, she lost her fight.

Blessing in disguise : Idaho was an incredible place to grow up. It humbled me in ways that I can't describe. I was able to live out a childhood dream. I have a garden, chickens and a house in the big woods. :) Although it was hard being away from my grandmother, I feel it may have been a blessing in disguise. Experiencing her daily deterioration may have been too much for me... I often wonder if God was in fact protecting me as a young girl. I was blessed by spending her last week with her, and being able to say goodbye the day before she died on Easter. It was a precious memory that lingers with me every time I think of her.

Surprise #2 - My husband deployed 5 days before our scheduled wedding. He joined the Army and was chosen to be a part of a non-deployable training unit in Louisiana, and three months after his arrival, they deployed for the first time since WWII with only 60 days notice. I found out on the day of my bridal shower! I lost out on all of my wedding deposits and we chose to be married by a justice of the peace in a hurry before he left.

Blessing in disguise: That was the first time I really learned to trust God above all else! I collapsed, cried and prayed like I've never prayed before. My adopted Mom took me into her arms and prayed with me right there. It was one of those moments you never, ever forget! It was a great indoctrination into the life of a military wife, that's for sure!

Surprise #3 - Finding out about my 2nd pregnancy, and then three days later finding out about my husband's infidelity. I was caring for him during an illness, and a picture of him kissing another woman popped up on his phone next to the nightstand. I collapsed, cried and became instantly sick myself.

Blessing in disguise: It gave me so much preparation for the journey I had ahead of me. I thought it was scary then, but what lay ahead paled in comparison to that moment! God was breaking it to me gently. I made a commitment to Him and working to fix my marriage. We went to counseling, talked things out we hadn't done in years, and began to heal. Unfortunately (at that point), it was too little, too late. I was blissfully unaware for a long time about the hurt my husband was experiencing from the war.

Surprise #4 - TWINS!

I can so vividly remember seeing this image on the screen. I thought for SURE this pregnancy was different because it was a GIRL..... but God had other surprises up his sleeve. When I saw the screen, it was a mess of limbs.  I instantly panicked. I thought my baby was deformed, and I lay paralyzed with fear. I dared not speak for fear what she'd say. I finally mustered the strength to speak, and I asked the technician if the baby was a boy or girl. She said, "Which one?" I wept. I had been afraid about the state of my marriage and how I was going to cope while he was deployed, not even knowing about the impending divorce. I worried about EVERYTHING.... whether or not they would be "cheaters" someday to how I was going to physically deliver these guys after the difficult delivery I had of my oldest son and almost lost my life. Just 4 weeks after I found out that I was having twins, it was my 22nd birthday. My husband told me he was tired of living a lie and that he didn't love me anymore when we drove to Panama City, FL for my birthday dinner. It was devastating.

Blessing in disguise: If it hadn't been for the twins being born, I would have stayed and endured the continued abuse and secrecy, and divorce would have been in the cards eventually, anyway, with the continuing womanizing. Nothing helped me survive the pain of my divorce more than taking care of these two precious little angels. They are the absolute highlight of my life so far. ALL THREE!!!! I would never have coped as well as I did unless I had stayed so busy caring for them. Not a single surprise in my life has blessed me MORE than having twins. They make my heart grow exponentially every day.

Those are just a few of the "biggies", but I hope that it encourages you to remember that God ALWAYS has a plan - even (and especially) in the difficult times!

Circumstance vs. State of Mind

You know this kind of day - you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, thought your toothbrush was deodorant and put it in your armpit (and THEN turned it on...), missed every green light on the way to work and lost a major project due to a technical glitch. A circumstantial nemesis.

It may seem like things will never get better, and you're right, they may not. You may go on to spit tomato soup all over a comedic co-worker who told you a joke just after a nice long sip. You may also break a 400.00 piece of equipment due to wistfully thinking about your amazing weekend instead of concentrating on the task at hand.

However, when we re-direct our focus to the more permanent, our spiritual lives and God's purpose for us, these things fade in importance and in their effect on our peaceful state of being. No matter how much we drift or even run from God's presence, there is something about his ability to draw us back that is kind of magical. Our Heavenly Father loves us more than we can imagine, and it's comforting to know that no matter how hectic or crazy our lives get, He is always there, waiting with a warm embrace and words of wisdom. We may think we have all the answers on how to live, but when we find ourselves in another pit of our own digging, unable to escape, we turn again to His holy Word and remember what our true purpose is.

Imagine for a moment the impact we can have on another person in the same circumstances. How many people could we lift up in any given day simply with a kind word and a helping hand? That overwhelmed mother with three kids in tow at the grocery store may like a helping hand with the door. An old woman struggling to take out her trash can may appreciate a helping hand. A friend may need a silly joke sent to them on their phone.

God promised us that in this life we WOULD see trouble. ""I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33
In spite of this, He continues to lead us through every single type of difficulty with a loving hand, bringing all negative circumstances to their knees for our good. He teaches us patience, endurance and hope.... and those are things that are more valuable than any earthly victory. 


What circumstance do you want to overcome today? Who will you be able to help overcome theirs?

Easier?!?

I was talking to a close friend of mine who had a 3 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old and then triplets, and asked her when life with multiples would get easier.

"Oh, at 3. 3 is definitely easier."

The other day, I went over to her house asking her if indeed she was mistaken, because I'm telling you.... three is NOT easier. She acquiesced that it's actually 5. I laughed in response - likely when they're 5 I'll go to her and she'll say 7.

I've decided, parenting never gets "easier". It just changes.

When the twins were little, I can vividly remember wondering how I would even make it through the day. From having to sanitize bottles, to enduring screaming for no apparent reason, to constantly disrupted sleep, I thought I'd seen the worst parenting had to offer. Of course, the incredible love I felt for these precious children outweighed any difficulty, but I did have my moments questioning my abilities as a mother.

But, as they get older, I've noticed that life with children only gets busier and more complicated! The little blessings given to me by God are now growing into little people, with very lively personalities and energy that shames any electric power plant. I find myself running, running, running after three little busy Tazmanian devils wooooooshing their way through my house and yard, disrupting everything in their path, and at the end of the day there is very little energy left to accomplish tasks *I* want to finish.

It's what I call "survival mode".

Everyone always says, "Ah, childhood. It goes by so fast! Don't blink, or you'll miss the most cherished years of your child's life." I believe them. Some Fridays I wonder where the week went! Although school, house cleaning, social and work obligations pull on me from every different direction, I refuse to let my own comfort affect the time I spend with my children.

I still pause with them to smell one of the fantastic roses from the garden, pick strawberries, play with trucks in the sand, and even challenge them to a game (or two) of Mario Kart. I want my children to know me. To cherish our relationship. To be able someday to come to me with their troubles and feel safe enough to talk them out.

Yesterday I had a little victory with Will. He hit his brother in an argument over an Ironman mask, and I sent him to time out for 5 minutes for the action, explaining again the importance of keeping our hands to ourselves after an argument. About halfway through his punishment, he said, "Mommy, I still love you even when I'm on time out."

Sigh. He understands.

It will be challenging, painful and even soul-wrenching at times, but I'm so grateful that God saw me fit to be a mother to these sweet boys, even if it is all by myself.

Holidaze

I've noticed two things on Facebook lately:

Some people really HATE Valentine's Day.

Some people really LOVE Valentine's Day.

What do these two people have in common? They value love. If the holiday were just a "love" day and not a "show off to the rest of the world by buying something expensive for your significant other or you'll feel like a loser (especially if you're single) day", it would be a completely different news feed. Can you imagine it?

"May God bless you and may you feel the depth of His love," or "I LOVE my FRIENDS! Happy Valentine's Day!"

So many holidays are isolating experiences for those who either do not share the faith, have lost family members (or their entire family), are enduring financial hardships, or are single. This doesn't mean we can't each find a way to make every holiday meaningful to US, individually.

I have been single for three Valentine's Days post-divorce, and the first two were awful. Not only does the day co-incide with our anniversary, AND a day of "love", AND the day I found out my spouse was cheating and using my credit card for a weekend away with his lover, AND the day I found out about their baby on the way, but the sincere outward displays of love from others to each other were difficult to endure with the wrong mindset.

No one owes me anything. I'm not entitled to have a romantic relationship, it's a treasure. It is not a common finding to have true, real romantic love. I'd rather be alone and an excellent mother to my boys than be in a relationship that is not of God's architecture. When I pray for my heart rather than wallow in the hurt of loneliness, joy finds its way in. Despite my "past" with this holiday, God secures my future daily with a renewed sense of belonging to Him and his UNENDING love.

How awesome is that?

I went out with one of my oldest friends here in Idaho, Steve. We're both single and genuinely enjoy each other's company, and we had the most amazing weekend! I hosted a "singles" party at my house and made dinner for some dear friends, then on Monday we went out to a favorite Italian restauraunt with a big group and laughed all night.

I also did some special things with the boys - and made them little baskets of goodies to wake up to and share with their preschool class. Here's a photo I snapped of them before we left the house. They were my favorite Valentines!

Two years ago I'd never imagine how lovely this holiday could be, and all it took was a change of HEART. :)

A Single Mama's Christmas

This is the first year I actually feel settled into my single mom role. To make my holiday easier, I did a few things I've learned over the last couple of years that made the whole holiday run more smoothly.

A close up of our tree.

The three guys eating the gingerbread house they made.

The most important thing I did, however, was to lower my expectations of creating a "perfect" holiday. There really is no such thing! I'm taking it one day at a time and doing what I can, and not worrying about the rest. The point is that my sons get to have a relaxing, happy day and feel loved, and that's exactly what I'm aiming to accomplish. We did some amazingly fun things this holiday season; we built a gingerbread house, took a train ride with Santa on a 1950's era dinner train, toured the neighborhoods around our home "hunting" for Christmas lights with hot chocolate several times, attended a few kid friendly holiday parties, built toy trains at a Lowe's workshop, went to breakfast with Santa at a local hotel, went sledding, and best of all, jumped in the snow in our pajamas during the first big snowfall.

 

The "Christmas Express" train - for military families and their children. :)

The big guy pulling the two little guys. :)

My little men jumping in the snow in their PJ's - an idea they came up with all on their own. :) I had blankets fresh out of the dryer waiting on them after their five minute romp was over!

The three little guys waiting for their train ornament from Santa.

The sad little poinsettia!

 There have been many disasters along the way, too - but that's to be expected. :) From crushing the gingerbread house only 20 minutes after they built it, to using board game pieces to throw at each other, having accidents in the middle of the mall, eating all the homemade English toffee and my box of Godiva, breaking a treasured ornament, spilling coffee all over me and unwrapping my present from my mom-in-love and nearly losing it down the heater vent, and plucking nearly all the leaves and petals off of my poinsettia, I've been on the verge of insanity at times.

But, moments like the one I had last night are the moments I will treasure forever. When we were driving to a Christmas party and passed a live, outdoor, life size nativity scene along the way, the boys asked me to stop when they saw the spotlight in the sky. We walked along a path of candles to watch the story of Christ's birth be played out in real life, with that beam of light streaming toward heaven and big flakes of snow falling all around us. All three of my sons then decided to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus at once. By remembering the thousands of blessings God has given me, it helps to dull the memory of the hurt of having a broken family. If anything, I am full of a deep, lasting JOY for God's incredible role in my little family's healing and continued growth despite our challenges.

Have a blessed Christmas! Enjoy your families - savor the peaceful moments. :) Even if your holiday doesn't involve everyone you miss, or it is a lean year present-wise... remember the many small blessings you have, and smile.

Right when you need it.

As a child, I often wondered about prayer, and what its purpose was.

I'd pray for a pony for my birthday, and get disappointed when it didn't show up.

Then, I'd pray that my Grandma didn't pass away because of cancer, and I'd feel sad at her funeral, thinking God didn't like me enough or think me worthy to answer my prayer.

So, for years, I sought out the answers I had deep in my heart about the intention God had in directing us to pray.

I'm grateful that God did answer my question, and now I don't just pray on occasion when I need an extra "boost", I pray all the time. While I'm driving, as I make dinner, when I'm doing yard work, whenever the thought of needing a "talk" with God comes to mind. I've found more peace in this now than I ever have.

When I realized WHY I was praying, it made the action so much more effective and inspiring. I feel that God wants us to know His purposes for our life, give our hearts emotional strength, and give us hope in the eternal that will produce peace and joy in our spirit. Though He reminded us that we *will* have trouble in our lives ("I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33), and promised us that He has given us the tools (prayer and the Bible) to rise above the certainly painful, difficult circumstances we live in on a daily basis.

When I start to feel angry, I pray that He will quiet my spirit and encourage either forgiveness or understanding that will cause me to let it go.

When I want so desperately for someone to be spared death or pain, I pray about it in this way- "God, I love this friend so much, and I want them to be safe and protected. But, if it  is your will for them to pass from this earth or endure pain, I know that you will use it to further your plans for their benefit and not to harm them. I also pray that your spirit of comfort will be upon them and those who love them to support them through this difficult time."

When I feel I want a Wii for Christmas (LOL), I pray that God would remove the desire for frivolous things and help me to focus more on His purposes and bringing joy to others. ;)

For me, prayer gives me the right attitude and outlook right when I need it.

What do you feel is the purpose of prayer? Meditation? Reflection?