Easier?!?

I was talking to a close friend of mine who had a 3 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old and then triplets, and asked her when life with multiples would get easier.

"Oh, at 3. 3 is definitely easier."

The other day, I went over to her house asking her if indeed she was mistaken, because I'm telling you.... three is NOT easier. She acquiesced that it's actually 5. I laughed in response - likely when they're 5 I'll go to her and she'll say 7.

I've decided, parenting never gets "easier". It just changes.

When the twins were little, I can vividly remember wondering how I would even make it through the day. From having to sanitize bottles, to enduring screaming for no apparent reason, to constantly disrupted sleep, I thought I'd seen the worst parenting had to offer. Of course, the incredible love I felt for these precious children outweighed any difficulty, but I did have my moments questioning my abilities as a mother.

But, as they get older, I've noticed that life with children only gets busier and more complicated! The little blessings given to me by God are now growing into little people, with very lively personalities and energy that shames any electric power plant. I find myself running, running, running after three little busy Tazmanian devils wooooooshing their way through my house and yard, disrupting everything in their path, and at the end of the day there is very little energy left to accomplish tasks *I* want to finish.

It's what I call "survival mode".

Everyone always says, "Ah, childhood. It goes by so fast! Don't blink, or you'll miss the most cherished years of your child's life." I believe them. Some Fridays I wonder where the week went! Although school, house cleaning, social and work obligations pull on me from every different direction, I refuse to let my own comfort affect the time I spend with my children.

I still pause with them to smell one of the fantastic roses from the garden, pick strawberries, play with trucks in the sand, and even challenge them to a game (or two) of Mario Kart. I want my children to know me. To cherish our relationship. To be able someday to come to me with their troubles and feel safe enough to talk them out.

Yesterday I had a little victory with Will. He hit his brother in an argument over an Ironman mask, and I sent him to time out for 5 minutes for the action, explaining again the importance of keeping our hands to ourselves after an argument. About halfway through his punishment, he said, "Mommy, I still love you even when I'm on time out."

Sigh. He understands.

It will be challenging, painful and even soul-wrenching at times, but I'm so grateful that God saw me fit to be a mother to these sweet boys, even if it is all by myself.

"Filing" Criticism.

A year ago, I decided to start this blog, and didn't have much of a purpose except to get some feelings out that were holding back single moms, and to change some minds. Alaina Sheer, also known by the pseudonym Ms. Single Mama, encouraged me on this first post, and later added me to her list of "Approved" blogs, which was one of the things that actually kept me writing. There were so many times I wanted to quit. Having 20 readers was discouraging, because I felt like my voice didn't matter. But, as the blog has evolved, I have felt it was most important to give encouragement to single mothers, regardless of who read what I had to say. Just openly sharing my daily experiences, showing that as imperfect as our lives may be, we CAN make something great of what we have and give our children our very best became my heart's desire.

I've learned through much trial and MUCH error, that it's the voice in my heart that matters most. And, as long as that voice is directed by God's principles, for me, I've had wonderful peace to enjoy as a result of making choices that have "purpose". Not just aimlessly weighing pros and cons of each choice, trying to reason out what would be the "smartest" course, but truly going where my heart for God and passion for His purposes both take me.

People often ask how I accomplish everything I do during any given week. One of the answers is that I'm not obsessive about how clean my house is... and if you'd visit me you'd likely find the living room strewn with toys and dishes in the sink. That's reality. I'm not perfect, but I'm living MY life to the best of MY ability. Choosing MY priorities. I'm gradually easing myself into total self-sufficiency, and have a great deal of blessings and wonderful people who help get me there. My family, friends and people who have had spiritual influence have all contributed to what I've achieved, and nothing I've done would have even been possible without them. One step at a time, I'm gradually improving my heart and my life after devastating loss. "It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security."--Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I've been criticized over the years, and told by MANY outsiders what I "should" or "should not" do, and for a long time I berated myself and stopped believing in what I was capable of due to these influences. I've been told everything from, "You should give up your twins for adoption," to "You have such a beautiful family, you are very blessed" (from people who don't know I'm single) "You should home school your kids,"to "You should have them in daycare all day every day and get a job," to "You should never date" or "You'll be married in a year, I just know it!" to "You should never accept help, it shows your weakness," to "God is providing for your every need, don't feel needy, feel grateful." Every different end of the spectrum on every different topic concerning my life. I welcome advice, mostly because I'm curious about the true thoughts of others (which is often revealed through so-called helpful advice) but it can be overwhelming to process. Where to file it, if you will.

I've learned to take 90% of the things that come out of the mouths of others and file it in the "circular bin".... the trash. When it comes to the complexity of each human life, what shapes us and drives us, how could ANYONE truly understand us in a deep personal way (except God) ? Our strengths, weaknesses, secret prayers, goals.... these are all things that get muddled with changing circumstance. Yet, there is something of permanence inside each of our souls - something that DRIVES us in a larger sense. Something so unshakably true that we ARE this something... whatever that may be. The quieter we are, and the more we listen to this deep, personal part of our heart, the more we live from our heart instead of our flesh (or our simple reactions to our environment and history). That other blessed 10% that is heartfelt, Godly wisdom meant to help us improve or see things we don't see ourselves, I file in my mind to evaluate when I am ready. I'll have quiet time with God and just let Him direct me to the solutions to these "problems".

One of the sources I find for increasing the peace in my daily life has come from books. One of the most influential people in my life (next to the members of my own family) has been Daryl Kraft, who has become like family to me. At times in my life that I couldn't even breathe without feeling pain, he and his wife Sherryl took it upon themselves to help me to see the hope in my circumstances, and the glorious gifts God has given me. As a successful business owner and his wife who is actively involved in the community, they had so little free time, but set aside time to help me in my worst, and laugh with me during my success.

If I had listened to my critics, I wouldn't have this blog with over 300 dedicated readers and hundreds of page visits daily. I wouldn't have my darling children that I love more than life itself. I wouldn't be in school. I wouldn't have the boys in preschool, which they LOVE and has been such a help to my parenting. I wouldn't be exactly where I am today, and I'm SO thankful I listened to the voice in my heart instead of outside influences.

The Upside of Single Parenting

You're single. You're not happy about it. You are also having to parent a child or a couple kids by yourself. You're lonely. You're scared. But, are you?

My recent success with parenting alone has caused me to think about the many UPSIDES of single parenting.

Am I crazy?

No.

Am I *recommending* single parenting over a traditional two parent household?

No.

I'm just saying it's not ALL gloom and doom. We have so much more to give than we realize sometimes, and ESPECIALLY as a single parent. Here's my list, and I'd love it if you'd contribute your OWN upsides in the comment section! Who knows, you might even help out a new single mom or dad who reads this post...


Upside #1: I don't have to divide my time between my spouse and my kids. When I'm with them, they get ALL of me.

Upside #2: I don't have to worry about how I look, how perfect my makeup is, or how I'm still in my PJ's at 10am on Saturday. My kids always think I'm beautiful (at this age - hehe).

Upside #3: In the morning, I can have all three of my boys jump in bed for snuggle time before I get up and around, and don't have anyone else around to be bothered by this ritual. It's all ours. No complaints.

Upside #4: I get to have total control over the budget. When I want to buy my little guys a new bike for their third birthday, I set it aside. If I want them to each have a Thomas the Tank Engine electric toothbrush, I don't have to justify spending 8 dollars on each every couple months.

Upside #5: I can stay up until whatever time I want cleaning and canning and reading with all the lights on and my Ipod turned up, and I'm not bothering anyone. The kids sleep really well through all of that!

Upside #6: I get to have any hobbies I want without anyone being a naysayer. I have CHICKENS for heaven's sake. I'm sure that would drive any spouse nuts.

Upside #7: I don't have anyone to disable the seat belt alarm in my car. Sounds insane, but my ex did that all the time and I'd have to break out the user's manual to turn it back on. Now that I have the boys old enough to be able to unbuckle them, I want to KNOW when they're not on. :)

Upside #8: I get to achieve every goal and dream I've ever hoped for without anyone to hold me back.

Upside #9: I get to help other women in my shoes on a daily basis through this blog, which I never would have started had it not been for the divorce.

Upside #10: I get to wear whatever I want - from stripey socks to sweats to the funkiest modern trends, without an opinion on everything I buy. No feedback allows for the ultimate personal expression, regardless of how ridiculous I look.

Upside #11: I get to stock the fridge and pantry with things I LOVE, with no apologies. :)

Now it's your turn. What do you LOVE about being single, either by temporary separation from your spouse because of work or by divorce, or by staying single in the first place?

The first blog....

*applause* Ehem, thank you, thank you. I am so glad you could join me for this momentous occasion, my first true blog on blogspot! I am sure it will be a fun, exciting journey and yet another opportunity for me to blab my mouth and wear out my keyboard!

In all seriousness....

I do not feel like my opinion matters more than anyone else's, or that I am *any* kind of expert on the subject of single or divorced motherhood. But, I have had some experiences in my life that make me want to speak to certain injustices and prejudices, and to encourage those women who will inevitably, and do currently, follow in my path.

Someone once told me, being a divorced woman is more common than not. While I don't like that idea, it is very true. There is a large rank of similar women out there who have shared these feelings at one time or another, and it is very likely that there is someone else you know going through the secret pain of a divorce. God led me to reach out to some friends who were hurting, and through a strange twist of events, we ended up helping each other through the most difficult time of our lives. It is a sad sisterhood, but one of the strongest I've ever known.

For the last two years, I have often times felt like I had a scarlet letter emblazoned on my forehead, somehow "marking" me and preventing me from leading a normal, pain free existence. Then, I realized, NO ONE has that luxury! Life is full of joy, but it has it's share of pain, too. Like my great grandma Laura used to say, "You have to take the bitter with the sweet!" I've begun to realize how right she was, but also that some lives are more bitter-laden than others! Haha. But, regardless of how much pain we experience, God will ultimately use those circumstances to our benefit, purifying us through pain. It is a fascinating and humbling journey.

For all those women out there who view divorced women as dirty, or that there is something wrong with us, or that you are somehow better than us.... I hope you make some mental notes. For some, these circumstances unwillingly fell into our lap. We are simply trying to pick up the pieces of our broken dreams and our irrepairably broken home. We, ourselves, are hurting so deeply at times we can barely get out of bed in the morning to accomplish our daily tasks. Have you hugged a friend that has been going through tough times today? Of any kind? Think about it. I hope that after seeing more clearly, and digging deeper in your heart, you may change your mind.

That's my challenge to everyone for the week! Tell a friend! This has been my personal PSA on single parenting and encouraging others!