One of the things that I did the poorest job of in my marriage was being wholly myself. Falling in love at such a young age (16) was beautiful, but it did fundamentally alter who I was. I was so much more pliable in my actions than I would have been at say, 25, and as a result, I adopted many facets of myself that I am sure would not have otherwise presented themselves.
The majority of my healing from my divorce has come through a new definition-of-self, as authentic and raw as I can allow myself to be. So few people are offered such an opportunity in life, and I have been determined to make the very most of it, and not to leave any stone of my soul un-turned.
It began in small ways. Making a list of likes and dislikes. I even had a difficult time deciding what my favorite food was (I've since settled on Lemon Chicken from Martha Stewart's website). Next came the bigger decisions. The first of which I had to make was what I wanted to do for a living, as I only had two years of college under my belt and never completed nursing school. I examined my options for financial aid, and realized quickly (and gratefully) that the government wisely supports the goals of single parents who seek higher education. After a year of taking just one class per semester to see "if I could even handle school" as a mother of three infant twins and a toddler, I had decided. Months of deep thought led me to teaching. I took a half-time load while staying home to raise my sons, and I've been slowly chipping away at each requirement ever since. Putting my children first in this way has been difficult, but incredibly rewarding, and I'll always cherish this time I've had with them, regardless of how crazy it has been.
Now that I'm confidently on the path to career fulfillment, I've been slowly burying the hurts of my marriage and life away from myself. I believe that women are beautiful, powerful beings, and while I'm not a feminist, I'm certainly a firm believer that God created two sexes for a reason. We both have a vitally important role in the world, and our caring, nurturing spirits are one of the most important aspects of who we are. Allowing myself to finally embrace this through gardening, home keeping and caring for the members of my community through volunteerism has been the most rewarding part of moving beyond the depths of where my situation led me.
Lastly, I've discovered things about myself that I never knew before. The value that live music holds in my life was drastically under-emphasized, as it would turn out. Also, the value of running every day. These two things becoming an intrinsic part of my day have been an incredible lift to me, and lift me from the floor even when I think all is lost. The freedom of putting one foot in front of the other and having no other responsibilities pulling on me in that distinct moment is such a thing of beauty.
Praying for each of you on your journey,
Erin
Showing posts with label About me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About me. Show all posts
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Winds of change
It would appear that my life is completely unrecognizable from what it was a year ago.
So many things in my circumstances have improved, but the most noticeable changes are those that are going on in my heart.
1. I've stopped believing that my marriage could have been saved.
- I've realized through repeated trial and error that it was something beyond salvaging, nor would I have wished anything could have been different about the way I handled it. I gave him grace when it was undeserved, and even though it causes me some problems now, I'm still proud of what I did in spite of his vitriol at the time. It has taught me what it truly means to "turn the other cheek", and it humbles me even greater in the shadow of Christ's sacrifice.
2. I've fully realized my worth and the qualities I value.
- During years of emotional trauma in my marriage, I lost myself. I was so worried about trying to help my then husband that I forgot to take care of me. After three years of recovering from a devastating divorce, raising twins and a toddler alone and going to school to finish my degree, I can see how much I'm really capable of. I've learned that I have great qualities that can, at times, move mountains.
3. I've stopped being afraid of my ex.
- When he used to threaten me against doing something, or demanded that I never wear brown, I acquiesced. I thought that was what a true Christian wife was. However, I learned that a Christian husband respects his wife's leading by God first even before his influence over her. I've learned that God made us as partners, not dictators.
4. I've stopped being afraid of life "coming to get me".
- I have started to accept circumstantial change as natural and fluid. People will let us down. We'll lose sometimes. Things will break, get lost and cost us money that we at times don't have. God is the one who has true control over life, and even if I try to protect, fix, help or modify any of it, ultimately God's will is going to be done. I've learned that I simply need to put each footstep where God directs it and leave the rest to Him.
5. I've gained more faithful friends than I've ever had.
- My new-found self esteem has enabled me to be choosier with who I trust, and I've never been happier with the group of people I have chosen to surround me and share my triumphs and my sorrows. The test of a true friend is loyalty and faith, and they've all passed with flying colors on all too many occasions. I've learned that having negative, "fair weather" friends poisons my soul.
6. The right man will love you right where you are.
- I spent so much time trying to make myself outwardly beautiful enough for a new guy in my life, but God was working even more fervently on my inner beauty all along. It's that inner beauty that lasts beyond wrinkles and gray hair. Ultimately, the best guys I've dated have been attracted to my heart first, and my appearance second. I've learned that if you're dating, worry less about what your date looks like and more about what he acts like.
What are some of the most powerful lessons you've learned over this past year?
So many things in my circumstances have improved, but the most noticeable changes are those that are going on in my heart.
1. I've stopped believing that my marriage could have been saved.
- I've realized through repeated trial and error that it was something beyond salvaging, nor would I have wished anything could have been different about the way I handled it. I gave him grace when it was undeserved, and even though it causes me some problems now, I'm still proud of what I did in spite of his vitriol at the time. It has taught me what it truly means to "turn the other cheek", and it humbles me even greater in the shadow of Christ's sacrifice.
2. I've fully realized my worth and the qualities I value.
- During years of emotional trauma in my marriage, I lost myself. I was so worried about trying to help my then husband that I forgot to take care of me. After three years of recovering from a devastating divorce, raising twins and a toddler alone and going to school to finish my degree, I can see how much I'm really capable of. I've learned that I have great qualities that can, at times, move mountains.
3. I've stopped being afraid of my ex.
- When he used to threaten me against doing something, or demanded that I never wear brown, I acquiesced. I thought that was what a true Christian wife was. However, I learned that a Christian husband respects his wife's leading by God first even before his influence over her. I've learned that God made us as partners, not dictators.
4. I've stopped being afraid of life "coming to get me".
- I have started to accept circumstantial change as natural and fluid. People will let us down. We'll lose sometimes. Things will break, get lost and cost us money that we at times don't have. God is the one who has true control over life, and even if I try to protect, fix, help or modify any of it, ultimately God's will is going to be done. I've learned that I simply need to put each footstep where God directs it and leave the rest to Him.
5. I've gained more faithful friends than I've ever had.
- My new-found self esteem has enabled me to be choosier with who I trust, and I've never been happier with the group of people I have chosen to surround me and share my triumphs and my sorrows. The test of a true friend is loyalty and faith, and they've all passed with flying colors on all too many occasions. I've learned that having negative, "fair weather" friends poisons my soul.
6. The right man will love you right where you are.
- I spent so much time trying to make myself outwardly beautiful enough for a new guy in my life, but God was working even more fervently on my inner beauty all along. It's that inner beauty that lasts beyond wrinkles and gray hair. Ultimately, the best guys I've dated have been attracted to my heart first, and my appearance second. I've learned that if you're dating, worry less about what your date looks like and more about what he acts like.
What are some of the most powerful lessons you've learned over this past year?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Mission Accomplished
After 20 weeks of training and pushing myself beyond what I thought I was capable of, I am a marathon finisher! I completed the 26.2 miles just 11 seconds under my goal of finishing in 7 hours according to the official times. Averaging 16 minutes per mile was tough on my body, and I've been resting as much as I could... but somehow three little boys keep me "on my toes". Imagine that! :)
For those of you who are interested in my experience, here's a little synopsis of the events:
I woke up the morning of the race to the most incredible sunrise, and showed up at the start line at around 5am. It was about 50 degrees, so I was really happy - that's the exact kind of weather I've been training in. It was like an arctic blast of air conditioning the entire time. There was a group of about 60 other people starting at that time, and when the course opened at 5:30 am, I was ready. I walked the first two miles to warm up, and then began to run/walk the duration of the course. I felt surprisingly energetic through the first 13 miles, and running along the lake was an incredible way to start the race.
I met up with my mother who was also running the course (a LOT faster than me!) when I was at about my mile 12 and she was at mile 15, giving her a hug and quickly pushing on. My two younger brothers were our support crew, and they met us at crucial points to give us sports drinks and food to re-fuel. They were so positive and motivating! I'm one lucky girl.
A significant mistake I made was trying to consume one of the "gel packs" for fuel..... it has the consistency of double-thick Vaseline. I had to stop for several minutes to try to choke it down. Never again! The other mistake I made was at mile 14, when I decided to lace my shoes much tighter. It felt better for my legs, but ended up leaving bruises on the tops of my feet. By the end of the race, I could barely walk because of the foot pain. Mile 25 seemed to stretch on forever, but I had made a commitment to myself to run through the pain, now increasing in intensity with every step. Ciara's "Work" was my power song that I played on repeat at the end.... it kept my feet moving!
For those of you who are interested in my experience, here's a little synopsis of the events:
I woke up the morning of the race to the most incredible sunrise, and showed up at the start line at around 5am. It was about 50 degrees, so I was really happy - that's the exact kind of weather I've been training in. It was like an arctic blast of air conditioning the entire time. There was a group of about 60 other people starting at that time, and when the course opened at 5:30 am, I was ready. I walked the first two miles to warm up, and then began to run/walk the duration of the course. I felt surprisingly energetic through the first 13 miles, and running along the lake was an incredible way to start the race.
I met up with my mother who was also running the course (a LOT faster than me!) when I was at about my mile 12 and she was at mile 15, giving her a hug and quickly pushing on. My two younger brothers were our support crew, and they met us at crucial points to give us sports drinks and food to re-fuel. They were so positive and motivating! I'm one lucky girl.
A significant mistake I made was trying to consume one of the "gel packs" for fuel..... it has the consistency of double-thick Vaseline. I had to stop for several minutes to try to choke it down. Never again! The other mistake I made was at mile 14, when I decided to lace my shoes much tighter. It felt better for my legs, but ended up leaving bruises on the tops of my feet. By the end of the race, I could barely walk because of the foot pain. Mile 25 seemed to stretch on forever, but I had made a commitment to myself to run through the pain, now increasing in intensity with every step. Ciara's "Work" was my power song that I played on repeat at the end.... it kept my feet moving!
When I could see the finish line, I started to cry. All the hard work I'd put into making it here was finally over, and fruitful. Although I trained with the goal in mind, I didn't think I could actually do it. Really. Training had taken over all of my free time, but I still didn't feel ready. And yet... there I was. My feet carried me there, somehow!
Of course, in true single mom fashion, I had to take care of the boys immediately following the marathon. The grandparents dropped them off at 12:35, six minutes after I'd completed the race. I was limping, and they thought it was pretty funny. Will was distressed though, "Mommy, I prayed for you that you wouldn't get hurt, but you look hurt. Did I not pray hard enough?" This broke my heart! I responded, "Will, thank you so much for praying for me. I am only sore from running sooooooo far. I'll be better very soon!" I love my sweet boys. My dad took care of them when I took an ice bath, (which sounds awful, but it really helps with my recovery!) and then I took them all home so I could attempt to enjoy some couch time. Shane was particularly helpful as "errand boy" - he brought me fresh bags of frozen peas for my feet and knees, and made sure my feet were always covered with the blanket. ;) We all watched Disney movies until it was time for bed.
The next day was the worst pain-wise, but we went up to the kids' grandparent's house again for a Memorial Day barbecue, and I was able to sit with my legs propped up while they ran around the ranch. Today I'm nearly back to normal, and feeling very grateful for everyone who helped me on this journey!
The question now is: what do I want to conquer next?
Sunday, May 15, 2011
My Marathon Journey
Have you ever done something that didn't make any sense at all, but gave you a new perspective and energized you with joy?
A couple of months ago, I got the crazy idea that I'd like to run a marathon. This began a new chapter in my life and how I define motherhood.
The idea began brewing just as I'd completely given up on keeping up my appearance and weight. I'd dated 20+ guys since the divorce, hadn't found anyone worth spending time with who would also accept my sons, and felt like any effort I put forth in my fitness was for nothing. I wasn't finding "Mr. Right", so going to the gym wasn't necessary, right?
I put on about 20 extra pounds after two challenges I set before myself this summer. One was to bake a loaf a bread a day for a month, and the other was to make a pie a week for two months. No wonder. :)
Around February, I felt pretty depressed and tired all the time. I prayed about a solution, and it came almost immediately.
The weight had to come off, and fitness had to be my priority - but this time, not for a guy.... for myself. When my mother completed her 6th marathon, I decided to jump on that bandwagon and surprise her for Mother's Day with my registration for a 26.2 miler, just like her. I began researching training methods immediately, got a Nike+ chip for my iPod to calculate my distances and record my workouts, and started running 20 miles per week, every week.
Naturally, being the bundle of excitement that I am, I broke the news to her about a month early. We went shopping for running shoes that very day. It gave me an opportunity to bond with her in a way that I haven't been able to do in years.
We both ran Bloomsday, a local 7.5 mile course, and I met my goal time of 1:37 minutes, 3 minutes under the time I'd set for myself. I've officially caught the running bug!
Now that I'm just two weeks away from the big event, the pinnacle of my training is this week before I taper off. All I want to do is complete it. I don't have any lofty goals about keeping a 10 minute per mile pace, or even of breaking 6 hours. I just want to finish in one piece. I want to show my sons that no matter what your circumstances, you can achieve your goals and finish the race you've undertaken. I want to be fit and healthy, and have a hobby that is free (save the running shoes).
So, who am I running for? My sons. I want to be the kind of mother that they can truly be proud of, and that can keep up with them. Wish me luck! It's crunch time.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:10
A couple of months ago, I got the crazy idea that I'd like to run a marathon. This began a new chapter in my life and how I define motherhood.
The idea began brewing just as I'd completely given up on keeping up my appearance and weight. I'd dated 20+ guys since the divorce, hadn't found anyone worth spending time with who would also accept my sons, and felt like any effort I put forth in my fitness was for nothing. I wasn't finding "Mr. Right", so going to the gym wasn't necessary, right?
I put on about 20 extra pounds after two challenges I set before myself this summer. One was to bake a loaf a bread a day for a month, and the other was to make a pie a week for two months. No wonder. :)
Around February, I felt pretty depressed and tired all the time. I prayed about a solution, and it came almost immediately.
The weight had to come off, and fitness had to be my priority - but this time, not for a guy.... for myself. When my mother completed her 6th marathon, I decided to jump on that bandwagon and surprise her for Mother's Day with my registration for a 26.2 miler, just like her. I began researching training methods immediately, got a Nike+ chip for my iPod to calculate my distances and record my workouts, and started running 20 miles per week, every week.
Naturally, being the bundle of excitement that I am, I broke the news to her about a month early. We went shopping for running shoes that very day. It gave me an opportunity to bond with her in a way that I haven't been able to do in years.
We both ran Bloomsday, a local 7.5 mile course, and I met my goal time of 1:37 minutes, 3 minutes under the time I'd set for myself. I've officially caught the running bug!
Now that I'm just two weeks away from the big event, the pinnacle of my training is this week before I taper off. All I want to do is complete it. I don't have any lofty goals about keeping a 10 minute per mile pace, or even of breaking 6 hours. I just want to finish in one piece. I want to show my sons that no matter what your circumstances, you can achieve your goals and finish the race you've undertaken. I want to be fit and healthy, and have a hobby that is free (save the running shoes).
So, who am I running for? My sons. I want to be the kind of mother that they can truly be proud of, and that can keep up with them. Wish me luck! It's crunch time.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:10
Monday, December 27, 2010
Facing my fears
Just when you think you absolutely, positively can't do something, you surprise yourself and do it.
For ten years, I'd looked at the Idaho Face run on Lookout Pass Ski Resort's map and cringed in fear. From the base of the mountain, you can clearly see it looming where the ski lift disappears over its summit. As you ride the chair, you watch all the accomplished "expert" skiers easily tackle it with speedy flair.
I would watch year after year as I passed it by, envious of those who were gutsy enough to take it on.
My mother had invited me to go skiing with her, my aunt and my littlest brother yesterday, and I never intended on taking on this monster before my trip. In fact, I was quite worried about how I'd do, being that I don't work out all that often and I'm a mom. For some reason, in my mind, the fact that I'm a mother makes me limit myself into thinking I can't do certain things, anymore... if ever again.
So, when I was ascending the mountain on the lift, I surprised even myself when I decided that today would be the day I took that ominous run on, mano-a-womano.
When I was about 11, my two year younger brother had asked me to accompany him on that run, and I thought I might be able to handle it. I'd been skiing since I was 3, so I thought to myself, "How hard can it be? Especially if my younger brother speeds down it frequently?" We got off the lift, proceeded to the drop off point, and as I looked over the edge, my breath caught and I watched breathlessly as my brother plummeted over the edge. There was NO WAY I was going to follow him, I thought. Ever.
Fast forward to my "moment" of decision. I was going to tackle this fear, and today was going to be the day. I again exited the lift with great confidence in my ability, and headed toward the "cliff". The first drop was the steepest, and if you fell, there would be no going back. You simply had to complete the run. I crept slowly up to the edge, pretending to watch the lift for someone I was missing, and could physically feel myself shaking in my ski boots. I stood and stood, noticing occasional laughter and comments from those still on the lift watching this silly girl in a pink ski coat nervously peering over the edge.
Their laughter spurred me on - reminding me that sometimes you have to look fear straight in the face and stick your tongue out at it, and pursue your goal.
I pushed off.
I skidded and fell, right on my butt - splayed out for everyone on the lift to see. My biggest fear. I didn't look when I heard the laughter increase. I simply got up, checked my gear and continued with a different approach, focusing only on the next ten feet ahead of me. A couple dozen parallel turns later, I realized I made it past the worst part, and then it was smoother sailing for a couple dozen more. Then, another drop off. But this time, I was ready. I knew how to handle it, and navigated the precipice with relative ease.
At the end, it was the part of the run I was familiar with (a lot of other paths collide with this one) and I headed back down the mountain to do it again.
I won.
For ten years, I'd looked at the Idaho Face run on Lookout Pass Ski Resort's map and cringed in fear. From the base of the mountain, you can clearly see it looming where the ski lift disappears over its summit. As you ride the chair, you watch all the accomplished "expert" skiers easily tackle it with speedy flair.
I would watch year after year as I passed it by, envious of those who were gutsy enough to take it on.
My mother had invited me to go skiing with her, my aunt and my littlest brother yesterday, and I never intended on taking on this monster before my trip. In fact, I was quite worried about how I'd do, being that I don't work out all that often and I'm a mom. For some reason, in my mind, the fact that I'm a mother makes me limit myself into thinking I can't do certain things, anymore... if ever again.
So, when I was ascending the mountain on the lift, I surprised even myself when I decided that today would be the day I took that ominous run on, mano-a-womano.
When I was about 11, my two year younger brother had asked me to accompany him on that run, and I thought I might be able to handle it. I'd been skiing since I was 3, so I thought to myself, "How hard can it be? Especially if my younger brother speeds down it frequently?" We got off the lift, proceeded to the drop off point, and as I looked over the edge, my breath caught and I watched breathlessly as my brother plummeted over the edge. There was NO WAY I was going to follow him, I thought. Ever.
Fast forward to my "moment" of decision. I was going to tackle this fear, and today was going to be the day. I again exited the lift with great confidence in my ability, and headed toward the "cliff". The first drop was the steepest, and if you fell, there would be no going back. You simply had to complete the run. I crept slowly up to the edge, pretending to watch the lift for someone I was missing, and could physically feel myself shaking in my ski boots. I stood and stood, noticing occasional laughter and comments from those still on the lift watching this silly girl in a pink ski coat nervously peering over the edge.
Their laughter spurred me on - reminding me that sometimes you have to look fear straight in the face and stick your tongue out at it, and pursue your goal.
I pushed off.
I skidded and fell, right on my butt - splayed out for everyone on the lift to see. My biggest fear. I didn't look when I heard the laughter increase. I simply got up, checked my gear and continued with a different approach, focusing only on the next ten feet ahead of me. A couple dozen parallel turns later, I realized I made it past the worst part, and then it was smoother sailing for a couple dozen more. Then, another drop off. But this time, I was ready. I knew how to handle it, and navigated the precipice with relative ease.
At the end, it was the part of the run I was familiar with (a lot of other paths collide with this one) and I headed back down the mountain to do it again.
I won.
 |
| What have you conquered lately? |
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Pie in the sky...
I have a new goal, since I've met the ones I've set for myself so far this year.
I want to go to Ireland sometime in 2010. It has been a lifelong dream for me to visit, as my Grandmother was from Ireland... and we still have family there who I would like to visit. I have always wanted to see what their life was like, and to see the country that Grandma loved so much.
On a scale from 1-10... this would be a level 10 goal to complete. Which would mean level 10 excitement, and level 10 lifelong memories.
I will do whatever it takes to make this happen, and this will be a rare opportunity to travel abroad as a single woman, and to make this dream happen for myself. Hopefully I can convince a friend to go with me, though - going truly alone would be scary!
Writing contests. Photo contests. I've got to find something I need to do this. I CAN do this!
So, readers... if you see a link to a contest for a trip to Ireland... please send them my way! I'm going to enter any and all that I come across!!!
I want to go to Ireland sometime in 2010. It has been a lifelong dream for me to visit, as my Grandmother was from Ireland... and we still have family there who I would like to visit. I have always wanted to see what their life was like, and to see the country that Grandma loved so much.
On a scale from 1-10... this would be a level 10 goal to complete. Which would mean level 10 excitement, and level 10 lifelong memories.
I will do whatever it takes to make this happen, and this will be a rare opportunity to travel abroad as a single woman, and to make this dream happen for myself. Hopefully I can convince a friend to go with me, though - going truly alone would be scary!
Writing contests. Photo contests. I've got to find something I need to do this. I CAN do this!
So, readers... if you see a link to a contest for a trip to Ireland... please send them my way! I'm going to enter any and all that I come across!!!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Julie & Julia
(For the record - THIS is my "impossible" feat...
mothering three boys, three and under - by myself!)
Because I'm slightly ridiculous, I feel like blogging about a blog written by a woman obsessed with Julia Child's cookbook... that became a book... that became a movie.
Sound fun? Read on.
First of all, I'm so excited about this movie it is hard to sit down and write this blog instead of jumping up and down and yelling from the rooftops about what a joy it was to watch. Yes, that seems dramatic, but it's true. :)
I had been waiting to see "Julie and Julia" for MONTHS now... as I love ALL things Julia Child. If I didn't have three children clinging at my ankles at every hour of the day and terrorizing my babysitters, I would have been like an obsessed teenager at the premiere of Twilight, camping out in the wee hours until the very first showing. The woman was a dynamo and my personal inspiration in the kitchen, ABOVE Martha Stewart. The original food wizard. A trailblazer for women and an overall good person with class and an honest zest for life.
I was in no way disappointed by even a moment of the movie's content. We all have inspirations in our life, and to find a sense of purpose and commitment beyond ourselves is a beautiful thing. It covered an incredible variety of subjects; love, commitment, following through on things we are deeply afraid of, achieving our goals one step at a time, the fact that true success isn't built by a frivolous fleeting moment of inspiration, courage to embrace our lives for what they are, taking the bitter with the sweet in life, and relishing the joy in seemingly boring tasks. I was encouraged, empathetic and transcendant when I left the theater... it was a simple message, but those are the kind that at times, and especially in this case, struck a cord that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. Take life one step at a time, and don't forget why you began the work you started. That will keep you going even when things seem bleak.
I was the dorkiest kid in the world - so obsessed with cooking shows even from a young age. I watched her show on PBS right before The Frugal Gourmet and loved the lilt of her voice and the enthusiasm which she displayed in everything she did. She made cooking seem so exciting and grand. I'd often host my own "cooking shows" in the bathtub, pouring different concoctions of soap from one container into the other to demonstrate my skills to my invisible audience (which sometimes became an audience of one or two as my parents, grandmother and aunt loved to peek in on my silly little world), at which time I would stop at an instant and usually cry out of embarassment.
Later, my soap concoctions would become REAL food "concoctions" (which my aunt and mother not-so-affectionately called my pitiful attempts at cooking). Then, my unsuspecting prey would eat the meal I had prepared at least thinking it would be *edible*, only to be sorely disappointed and quite ill. One of my legendary "meals" was when I took packaged lunchmeat, drizzled it with honey, sugar and pepper and microwaved it for a couple of minutes. I served it to my poor father on a piece of our fine china from the fancy cupboard, and bless his soul... he ate the whole thing praising my work the entire time.
Thankfully, my skills have improved, and now I have had several people survive and sincerely praise some of the things I have made for them. Cooking delicious, healthy, home-cooked meals for myself and my children is one of my biggest priorities in motherhood.
The biggest reason the movie was an encouragement to me, is that MANY MANY days I have a screaming, crying breakdown like the character in the movie. I feel at times like what I am doing isn't worthwhile, or that I am not strong enough to finish what I started, or that I am hopelessly and aimlessly wandering through life with starry-eyed visions of what my harsh reality is. But, we are all human, we all have those moments, and we all are forced to pick ourselves up... brush ourselves off.... and *breathe*.
When you put it all into perspective when you get overwhelmed, taking ONE step at a time, before you know it you'll be looking back over the months and years of work you've completed with a satisfied smile on your face, knowing that you've done YOUR impossible, and if you can still laugh about the missteps along the way.... then you will have TRULY succeeded.
Friday, July 31, 2009
My Ultimate Goal
Being alone is surprisingly freeing when you least expect it to be, and in my experience, it can be a very healing time with the right focus. During my time without a significant other to project my love upon, I have given all of the love I've been storing up to myself. I've taken care of myself better than I ever have, and I am more aware of my limits and my abilities. During this time I've also had the opportunity to re-evaluate what I want my life to consist of and what my driving force is. I've discovered many different loves in the process, but most of all I solidified the knowledge that the only thing I really want in life is to ease the burdens of others.
Nothing excites me more than making someone else's day. Lately, life has revolved largely around my children (mostly because three young children are so demanding of one's time and attention). There were times during this last couple of years that I grew increasingly frustrated with the direction of my life and feeling useless. Friends that I trusted deepened this insecurity by pointing out my flaws and my "inability to work full time" - ignoring the fact that my state of being was a choice. I knew that sacrifices would have to be made to accomodate the goals I had for my children, and I willingly accepted those sacrifices. Yes, I can't go out frequently with my friends because I can't afford to. So what if I can't keep my house Betty Crocker clean 24/7? So what if I can't find a date for every Saturday night? So what if I have very little to talk about other than my children or my life at home? How is that a BAD thing?
My kids are being given an excellent foundation from which to grow in comfort and confidence. I am not saying this road that I'm taking is the only road to take; I just know that it is best for *my* children, and I am unwilling to compromise their best interests, no matter what the minor personal cost in my life. The time they are home with me and wanting kisses and needing boo boos bandaged are so short. What is five years in comparison to a lifetime? The number one goal of my life is continuing to be nurtured - helping others. Wouldn't my children fall under that category?
In the future, I have grander dreams, *none* of which I will share with anyone but God. They are profoundly simple, but important to me and important to Him. I have every confidence that when I have my chance, I will fulfill them. In the meantime, I just go where the good Lord sends me. I am content with that. God has looked at my faults, forgiven them, subsequently seen my needs, fulfilled them, and now is graciously allowing me to be an encouragement in the lives of dozens of people whom I am increasingly endeared to.
So, I may never go to Ireland, walk the Great Wall, feed the poor in South America, become a CEO of a company, or even make more than 50k a year... but I rest in the Lord's grace and comfort, just going where the wind blows my heart and simply being available to those who ask me. God is fulfilling the desires of my heart in the process, more infinitely than I could ever imagine. How much greater can a life be than that?
Nothing excites me more than making someone else's day. Lately, life has revolved largely around my children (mostly because three young children are so demanding of one's time and attention). There were times during this last couple of years that I grew increasingly frustrated with the direction of my life and feeling useless. Friends that I trusted deepened this insecurity by pointing out my flaws and my "inability to work full time" - ignoring the fact that my state of being was a choice. I knew that sacrifices would have to be made to accomodate the goals I had for my children, and I willingly accepted those sacrifices. Yes, I can't go out frequently with my friends because I can't afford to. So what if I can't keep my house Betty Crocker clean 24/7? So what if I can't find a date for every Saturday night? So what if I have very little to talk about other than my children or my life at home? How is that a BAD thing?
My kids are being given an excellent foundation from which to grow in comfort and confidence. I am not saying this road that I'm taking is the only road to take; I just know that it is best for *my* children, and I am unwilling to compromise their best interests, no matter what the minor personal cost in my life. The time they are home with me and wanting kisses and needing boo boos bandaged are so short. What is five years in comparison to a lifetime? The number one goal of my life is continuing to be nurtured - helping others. Wouldn't my children fall under that category?
In the future, I have grander dreams, *none* of which I will share with anyone but God. They are profoundly simple, but important to me and important to Him. I have every confidence that when I have my chance, I will fulfill them. In the meantime, I just go where the good Lord sends me. I am content with that. God has looked at my faults, forgiven them, subsequently seen my needs, fulfilled them, and now is graciously allowing me to be an encouragement in the lives of dozens of people whom I am increasingly endeared to.
So, I may never go to Ireland, walk the Great Wall, feed the poor in South America, become a CEO of a company, or even make more than 50k a year... but I rest in the Lord's grace and comfort, just going where the wind blows my heart and simply being available to those who ask me. God is fulfilling the desires of my heart in the process, more infinitely than I could ever imagine. How much greater can a life be than that?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The first blog....
*applause* Ehem, thank you, thank you. I am so glad you could join me for this momentous occasion, my first true blog on blogspot! I am sure it will be a fun, exciting journey and yet another opportunity for me to blab my mouth and wear out my keyboard!
In all seriousness....
I do not feel like my opinion matters more than anyone else's, or that I am *any* kind of expert on the subject of single or divorced motherhood. But, I have had some experiences in my life that make me want to speak to certain injustices and prejudices, and to encourage those women who will inevitably, and do currently, follow in my path.
Someone once told me, being a divorced woman is more common than not. While I don't like that idea, it is very true. There is a large rank of similar women out there who have shared these feelings at one time or another, and it is very likely that there is someone else you know going through the secret pain of a divorce. God led me to reach out to some friends who were hurting, and through a strange twist of events, we ended up helping each other through the most difficult time of our lives. It is a sad sisterhood, but one of the strongest I've ever known.
For the last two years, I have often times felt like I had a scarlet letter emblazoned on my forehead, somehow "marking" me and preventing me from leading a normal, pain free existence. Then, I realized, NO ONE has that luxury! Life is full of joy, but it has it's share of pain, too. Like my great grandma Laura used to say, "You have to take the bitter with the sweet!" I've begun to realize how right she was, but also that some lives are more bitter-laden than others! Haha. But, regardless of how much pain we experience, God will ultimately use those circumstances to our benefit, purifying us through pain. It is a fascinating and humbling journey.
For all those women out there who view divorced women as dirty, or that there is something wrong with us, or that you are somehow better than us.... I hope you make some mental notes. For some, these circumstances unwillingly fell into our lap. We are simply trying to pick up the pieces of our broken dreams and our irrepairably broken home. We, ourselves, are hurting so deeply at times we can barely get out of bed in the morning to accomplish our daily tasks. Have you hugged a friend that has been going through tough times today? Of any kind? Think about it. I hope that after seeing more clearly, and digging deeper in your heart, you may change your mind.
That's my challenge to everyone for the week! Tell a friend! This has been my personal PSA on single parenting and encouraging others!
In all seriousness....
I do not feel like my opinion matters more than anyone else's, or that I am *any* kind of expert on the subject of single or divorced motherhood. But, I have had some experiences in my life that make me want to speak to certain injustices and prejudices, and to encourage those women who will inevitably, and do currently, follow in my path.
Someone once told me, being a divorced woman is more common than not. While I don't like that idea, it is very true. There is a large rank of similar women out there who have shared these feelings at one time or another, and it is very likely that there is someone else you know going through the secret pain of a divorce. God led me to reach out to some friends who were hurting, and through a strange twist of events, we ended up helping each other through the most difficult time of our lives. It is a sad sisterhood, but one of the strongest I've ever known.
For the last two years, I have often times felt like I had a scarlet letter emblazoned on my forehead, somehow "marking" me and preventing me from leading a normal, pain free existence. Then, I realized, NO ONE has that luxury! Life is full of joy, but it has it's share of pain, too. Like my great grandma Laura used to say, "You have to take the bitter with the sweet!" I've begun to realize how right she was, but also that some lives are more bitter-laden than others! Haha. But, regardless of how much pain we experience, God will ultimately use those circumstances to our benefit, purifying us through pain. It is a fascinating and humbling journey.
For all those women out there who view divorced women as dirty, or that there is something wrong with us, or that you are somehow better than us.... I hope you make some mental notes. For some, these circumstances unwillingly fell into our lap. We are simply trying to pick up the pieces of our broken dreams and our irrepairably broken home. We, ourselves, are hurting so deeply at times we can barely get out of bed in the morning to accomplish our daily tasks. Have you hugged a friend that has been going through tough times today? Of any kind? Think about it. I hope that after seeing more clearly, and digging deeper in your heart, you may change your mind.
That's my challenge to everyone for the week! Tell a friend! This has been my personal PSA on single parenting and encouraging others!
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