Knowing what we want, and what we *don't*.

The post-divorce landscape has been covered in rocks and rough terrain, but lately the path has gotten much smoother. Time and space can give us clarity if we allow ourselves to properly heal.

One of the hardest things to do after a marriage ends is to date effectively. I know that I'm the rule, not the exception when it comes to this. In the beginning, I'd let anyone who showed even a measure of care for me into my life right away. You can imagine the hurt this caused. Time and time again, I would look past red flags and keep charging down the path with no thought to my own well-being.

Luckily, in January of this year, I reached a breaking point. It was painful, but healing. Not in the I "know" this to be true kind of way, but to DEEPLY know truth in a sincere way.

As a result, I've accepted dates much less. I know precisely what I'm looking for. I also know what I will not tolerate or "settle" for. It is a long list, to be sure, but I can remember vividly the first time I fell in love and how wonderfully I was surprised that this person did exist. The keeper of my heart. This time, I'll accept nothing less. I've watched him settle for what he stumbled upon, and he's miserable as a result. Simply enduring the trap he set for himself.

I've gotten good at respectfully breaking up with people who don't fit into my life the way I hope, and that was a difficult skill to learn. For anyone who has to break up with someone, I would hope that you would consider their feelings, but be honest with them. Give them the tools to move forward and overcome the things that held them back in the relationship, with a spirit of kindness. If you can't say it kindly, then by all means, omit it. By all means, make sure that you're *sure* about any choices you make romantically before you make them so that there is no confusion or mixed signals. Clean breaks are hard to come by, but I always hope that we can part having learned from each other and with respect for each other.

Have you had to walk away from something you knew wasn't right for you? What were some things that made that process a smoother one for you?

What If's

There were many moments in my divorce that were pivotal, and at times, symbolic. One of the moments I found most poignant was during my ex's trip to return my belongings during the late summer just weeks after our divorce was final. Interestingly enough, this was the first time we had seen each other in person since he had said he wanted a divorce (after he'd met someone else). We had talked about where things were, and if we wanted to get back together. I had never, ever given up wanting to re-unite. Our feelings for each other had not changed at all, even despite our circumstances (he got another woman pregnant). He ended up coming to the realization that neither of us could endure the painful steps to get back together, especially having to reconcile with the people he had hurt along the way. His answer made me realize that I couldn't, either. We cried on the deck of his parent's house. We had spent time together with our sons as if no time or hurt had passed between us, but that wasn't enough to overcome the growing number of challenges that we would have had to face. I then loaded the kids and drove away, thinking that would be the last time I'd see him for a long while.

Strangely, fate would have us see each other one last time. The next day I saw his now familiar black Dodge pickup truck with the blue infantry cord hanging from the rearview mirror (that I had placed on his shoulder when he graduated from basic training) pull up to the stop sign near my parent's house at the exact same time as I did. Funny enough, I was on my way to photograph a friend's wedding. I learned later that he was on his way to golf with his dad. We both immediately noticed each other and stared wide-eyed as if we were looking at a car accident. As was his habit, he didn't have a turn signal on. I turned right, and he turned left. Our lives would take decidedly different paths, regardless of how we felt, and that was ok. It was everything I could do to maintain my composure through the ceremony, but I did, and it was a beautiful one.

It was one of those moments that felt like it was straight out of a movie script, but it was painfully real.

Today, that intersection is now a roundabout. I couldn't have invented a more perfect scenario on my own.

I've run over and over the entire thing, from when we met until when we parted thousands of times. I try to find answers to so many questions that, although have been "answered", still do not make concrete sense in my mind. Did he love me? Did I love him? Did I do something to deserve how he treated me? What if he hadn't gone into the Army? What if I had pressed him more to go to counseling after the war? Did I marry him just to get out of Idaho and away from hurtful people in my life? What if I'd joined in the drinking and seen past his fears and helped him find healing? What if we hadn't gone to the flight program? Were we married too young?  What if I had finished my degree first? What if I had not gotten sick after my first pregnancy? The list goes on and on.

The funny thing about roundabouts is that you could choose to go around and around, never stopping, never going anywhere. Or, you could choose to glide out of it as easily as you steered into it.

Lately, I've been choosing the latter. The first couple of years of the heartbreak left me going around in circles and spinning my wheels, but lately I've been rejoicing in how far I've come, and how blessed I am. I do not have the same emotional baggage that others in this situation have the burden of carrying. I know that I handled the situation the very best I could, and I wouldn't change a single thing. I have the joy of knowing I am raising my children in a safe, loving environment free from fighting and sleepless nights worrying about where my husband is. I'm free to return to school and finish what I started. I'm free to raise my sons where we grew up and with the comfort of a home that God has provided for us in the most beautiful place I can imagine. I have the blessing of being friends with my former-in-laws and having them be an active part of my children's lives on even a daily basis (even bringing us soup when we are sick!). I have the most wonderful church community, friends and family that a woman could ever ask for. I'm even free to fall in love again - the real kind. I know what that feels like, and I know I'll find it again. My eyes and heart are open.

By focusing on my desired destination, I'm more apt to get there.

Maintaining Momentum

I'm doing it all, but just barely!

I have several large projects going on right now. I'm training for my first marathon in May (since mid-February), I'm in the last weeks of school for the semester, gearing up for summer semester, finishing up some started plants inside, caring for the chickens, spring cleanup in the yard (which is a large undertaking for me because I live in the country surrounded by trees - a lot of leaves and branches!), the blog, photography clients, a weight loss challenge with friends and most importantly, raising my sons to be good citizens and kind-hearted men. It may sound like a lot, and it is. But, someone once told me, "If you want something done, ask the busiest person you know." I'm that kind of person - the more I do, the more I CAN do.

I've gotten some major milestones out of the way this week as well. I've planned my academic calendar for the next two years with my university advisor (and finally have a graduation date- Fall 2013!), arranged for preschool for all three boys next year much closer to my house and for 1/3 of the price I was paying previously, I've begun booking for summer photography events, and arranged for my summer classes to be taken online instead of in person so I can stay home with the boys and spend the summer taking them to our local theme park, just five minutes away, and to California (and Disneyland) to visit family.

The struggle these days is just to maintain the momentum I went into the semester with, and to finish strong. I'm also training myself to do that with my running.

This is all new to me - I've NEVER been a runner. In cheerleading, I was always the LAST one back on the lap around the school, which was all we did. I am pretty sure asthma contributed to it, but now that I have that under control, I want to conquer it. I began with 3 miles at a time of jogging/walking, and I'm up to 6 miles run/jogging at this point. It feels incredible. I took on outdoor running for the first time down the country road by my house, and it was amazing.

You see and experience your surroundings in a whole new way when you're on foot. The clouds were big and puffy, with the backdrop of a bright blue sky and sunshine, the weather was a cool but comfortable 60 degrees, and the fields are beginning to turn a bright emerald green from all the rain and milder temperatures. Just the feeling of the warm sun on my face, the lively, happy music on my iPod, and the new pair of running shoes on my feet made me feel like I could soar. So many things are coming together, for me and for my sons. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. In my marriage, there were so many things that I was told I couldn't do or shouldn't do (like school or wearing the color brown), and I feel set free in so many ways. My sole focus remains raising great children and nurturing my spirit with His guidance. To do His work. To learn His lessons, and accomplish His goals. I can do all of this now without hindrance or worry.

I couldn't help but praise God the entire time for the feeling of joy consuming my spirit as I glided past farms, fields, streams and the occasional deer. Flowers are beginning to emerge now that spring is approaching, and I felt just like that - a woman ready to bloom.

Holidaze

I've noticed two things on Facebook lately:

Some people really HATE Valentine's Day.

Some people really LOVE Valentine's Day.

What do these two people have in common? They value love. If the holiday were just a "love" day and not a "show off to the rest of the world by buying something expensive for your significant other or you'll feel like a loser (especially if you're single) day", it would be a completely different news feed. Can you imagine it?

"May God bless you and may you feel the depth of His love," or "I LOVE my FRIENDS! Happy Valentine's Day!"

So many holidays are isolating experiences for those who either do not share the faith, have lost family members (or their entire family), are enduring financial hardships, or are single. This doesn't mean we can't each find a way to make every holiday meaningful to US, individually.

I have been single for three Valentine's Days post-divorce, and the first two were awful. Not only does the day co-incide with our anniversary, AND a day of "love", AND the day I found out my spouse was cheating and using my credit card for a weekend away with his lover, AND the day I found out about their baby on the way, but the sincere outward displays of love from others to each other were difficult to endure with the wrong mindset.

No one owes me anything. I'm not entitled to have a romantic relationship, it's a treasure. It is not a common finding to have true, real romantic love. I'd rather be alone and an excellent mother to my boys than be in a relationship that is not of God's architecture. When I pray for my heart rather than wallow in the hurt of loneliness, joy finds its way in. Despite my "past" with this holiday, God secures my future daily with a renewed sense of belonging to Him and his UNENDING love.

How awesome is that?

I went out with one of my oldest friends here in Idaho, Steve. We're both single and genuinely enjoy each other's company, and we had the most amazing weekend! I hosted a "singles" party at my house and made dinner for some dear friends, then on Monday we went out to a favorite Italian restauraunt with a big group and laughed all night.

I also did some special things with the boys - and made them little baskets of goodies to wake up to and share with their preschool class. Here's a photo I snapped of them before we left the house. They were my favorite Valentines!

Two years ago I'd never imagine how lovely this holiday could be, and all it took was a change of HEART. :)

Dinner with the Ex

I've sat down to write this blog 5 different times, and haven't managed to type out a single word. Now that it's been a week since we got together, and I've had a little time to breathe, it's much easier.

My ex came up for another visit, this time without his new wife and baby. His dad invited him up to go on a horse camping trip for a few days, but he still had one day of free time before he headed back to the Lone Star state and his family. The last visit (a mere three weeks prior) led to some significant emotional damage to my oldest, and we talked about whether or not to schedule a visit. I decided it would be best to ask Will if he wanted to see his dad or not, to which he insisted that he get to see him. If I were Will, and I only got two chances a year to see the father I once idolized, I'd want to see him, too.

How we were going to go about this visit was also a concern. To shield Will from any further emotional hurt, I felt I needed to be there. Even though it was going to be difficult for me, I knew that this was right for my son. If he became overwhelmed, I could take him home. If he needed a hug, I was there. So, my ex and I agreed to meet at a park near my house with all three of the kiddos in tow and see how things went. We arrived and started playing. It took about 15 minutes for the ex to arrive, and we were so distracted we didn't even notice him until he walked right up to us. He greeted us all with a hug, except Will, who ran away when he was approached by his Dad. It was a painful moment for all of us, I'm sure.

As the kids played on the Razor scooters I had purchased for them that day (for just 5 dollars each at a garage sale - score!), they put some distance between themselves and us by racing around the park, leaving the opportunity for the ex and I to talk.

All he could keep saying was, "I'm sorry, Erin. I'm sorry." The tears in his eyes said it all. For the first time, I saw a sincere apology from him, and something I NEVER thought I'd see.... jealousy. He had lots of questions for me about how I was doing, what I'd accomplished, how the kids were faring, and what I had planned for the year to come. You'd think he'd know these things, but he never checks his emails, and we don't *ever* talk when he's back home with the little lady. I could physically see the waves of regret crashing in his heart as he saw how calm and peaceful I was, and the joy in my eyes when I hugged our sons. It was a relationship he would never know, all because he decided that other things, worthless things, were far more important than the family we'd struggled for 8 years to create and support.

At this point, the kids were getting hungry and he offered to take us all to dinner - wherever I wanted. I decided on a low key Burger King meal with the best playplace in town, so the kids could be safely entertained. This also gave them an escape to be able to come and see their dad when they felt like it, or hide high above us in the various cubbies in the structure. Of course, they mostly picked the latter. Again, we were left to talk amongst ourselves. The pain continued to well up for him, but now, for both of us. It was nice to pretend to be a normal family for once, even if it were just for a few short hours. (For those of you who have a "normal" family - TREASURE those moments! You are very blessed!!!) I knew that it would all go back to the way it was that very next morning when he boarded a flight bound for home. But, for the time being, I would get to look in the eyes of the person who betrayed me... betrayed us all... and find some answers there.

He said he wished he could take it all back. That the mistakes he made were not worth the cost. He told me that any man who could call me "his" was very lucky. He praised my strengths, and soothed my heart about my faults, explaining that he felt badly for not having been the husband I needed. He admitted things I had known to be true for years, and we both laughed when I grinned an "I told you so" smile. We chose to laugh instead of cry. We'd both done enough of that at this point. He told me things about his current life that I felt in my heart would be true, and that gave me the peace to know that I am right where I'm supposed to be.

The kids finally made their way down the play equipment, rubbing their eyes at 8:00, and I knew it was time to head home. We gave him a ride back to the park where he left his truck, and the kids all said a nonchalant goodbye to the dad they have never known as "Daddy".

After it was all over, I stepped outside of my car while the kids waited inside. He asked if I would ever consider trying to be together again (if he were no longer married), and the most painful yet freeing part of our encounter was telling him that I wouldn't. I couldn't. Being friends now was so much simpler and better for the kids in light of the circumstances. We hugged, I cried, and we parted ways. Again.

Will weathered the visit better than the last time, though he was not without scars. I could see his little broken heart as if it were being held in his hands, yet he seemed stronger and more confident. It was a strange trade-off. A far cry from the broken little boy he was when we moved up here - he took a new found interest in "taking care" of me and his little brothers. His loving heart warmed mine as I pushed the memories of that day aside and worked again toward the goals I have set for myself without taking time to indulge in any self pity.

Normally, after a visit like this, Will would talk for the entire drive home, the next day, and the following weeks all about his Daddy.

This time, when he woke up he said to me, "Mommy, can I marry you? I want to take care of you. I love you."