Bright and shiny...

I had a bit of a health scare recently, which was as a result of how I reacted to something my ex did, and it made me realize, yet again, something HAS to give.

It's been two years since I left, one and a half years since the divorce, and I was still hurting. It was nowhere NEAR the level of pain I experienced in the beginning (when I lost about 20 lbs and rarely left my house, even to take out the trash), but there were still moments that made me ache. Unless you've been in the very same position that I am with regard to the divorce and the destructive nature of what he did to me... you simply wouldn't understand. He called on a Thursday, and by Saturday I was in the hospital for stomach pain that was so severe I couldn't even stand without support.

Talk about a wake-up call.

This made me re-evaluate how I feel about what happened. I started becoming more aware of my self-derisive thoughts and occasional wistfulness about my past life... and my delusion. Somehow, I felt if my love was true -in- our marriage that the loss should still affect me on some level.

Then I realized, I don't have to hurt anymore.

Of course, this is easier said than done. But, I made a commitment to myself to get over it. For good. I forgave him many, many times... even during the offenses. While on some levels this was a good thing, part of me wanted to believe that we could go back to the way things were as a result of said forgiveness. It never could. When I imagine the things he did, and the way he treated me and especially our sons... I began dismantling the feelings I had for him... brick by sorry brick. 

I saw the greatest quote at the gym after my trip to the hospital, and though I struggle to remember the exact words, it was something like this:

"In order to have happiness in our heart, we must first have an empty space to put it. We must exhale before we can inhale."

It created the desire in me to start emptying space. I'm throwing away more letters, pictures, memories and feelings than I ever have before. I wasn't ready to let go of "forever" until now. My intellectual reasoning side WANTED to, but my feeling heart just couldn't handle the loss and the admission that all the effort I gave and the sacrifices I made to make our life a good one were for nothing, with HIM. I am keeping enough so that my sons can understand my relationship with their father if they want to someday, but not enough to continue to hurt me.

When I look at my many blessings: my beautiful sons, my home, my sanity, the peace God has given me, my budding relationship, my future, and my schoolwork.... I find so much joy that was hidden before under the tarnished memories holding me back in my present. I feel brand new, again! There have been so many "rebirths" as a result of my mourning process (which I admit has been a long one), and each time I end up with a greater appreciation for my faith, for my family, and for my heart. Even though I am often frustrated by the speed at which I can "move on" from hurtful things, I would rather feel the intense love and happiness I feel on a daily basis than to end up jaded and unfeeling for any length of time. Better balancing this notion is something that I have committed to working on, but I hope to keep the positive side of this trait as much as I possibly can.

 So, this week - I'm doing the cliche but effective... I'm simplifying my life by clearing out clutter, both in my heart and in my home. It's so exciting! Spring makes me swoon with all its beauty, and with the things that are happening right now I'm experiencing a heightened sense of passion for living well and trusting God's leading, step by step.