I had a bit of a health scare recently, which was as a result of how I reacted to something my ex did, and it made me realize, yet again, something HAS to give.
It's been two years since I left, one and a half years since the divorce, and I was still hurting. It was nowhere NEAR the level of pain I experienced in the beginning (when I lost about 20 lbs and rarely left my house, even to take out the trash), but there were still moments that made me ache. Unless you've been in the very same position that I am with regard to the divorce and the destructive nature of what he did to me... you simply wouldn't understand. He called on a Thursday, and by Saturday I was in the hospital for stomach pain that was so severe I couldn't even stand without support.
Talk about a wake-up call.
This made me re-evaluate how I feel about what happened. I started becoming more aware of my self-derisive thoughts and occasional wistfulness about my past life... and my delusion. Somehow, I felt if my love was true -in- our marriage that the loss should still affect me on some level.
Then I realized, I don't have to hurt anymore.
Of course, this is easier said than done. But, I made a commitment to myself to get over it. For good. I forgave him many, many times... even during the offenses. While on some levels this was a good thing, part of me wanted to believe that we could go back to the way things were as a result of said forgiveness. It never could. When I imagine the things he did, and the way he treated me and especially our sons... I began dismantling the feelings I had for him... brick by sorry brick.
I saw the greatest quote at the gym after my trip to the hospital, and though I struggle to remember the exact words, it was something like this: