With some heavy decisions I had to make, both that I discussed in my last blog and some that I didn't discuss at all, with anyone, I've made a ton of progress. Even with my four year old singing the theme of the Aristocats at the top of his lungs every four seconds..."EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A CAT!!!"
My secret? Reading Proverbs and searching for God's wisdom instead of my own (thanks, Andre) helped me to re-gain direction and set my internal compass for what is most important. Not watching TV. At all. Not even "The Bachelorette". *Gasp* - I know. It's practically sacrelig. I'm on the end of day 3 and beginning day 4, and after a week's worth of agonizing I now feel that my answers are crystal clear. Somehow, through the drone of various morning show chatter and nightly sitcoms, it's hard to hear God's direction quietly whispering in my heart. I'm so thankful for that.
In the last week, my minor victories include completely removing TV from my daily schedule, and replacing it with things that are more productive. I've begun to bake a loaf of bread a day, resume coupon shopping (and saved 140.00 on diapers and wipes to last me through the summer), spend lots of time perfecting my home's organizational systems and keep up on housework.
On the "big decision front", I'm not taking the cheerleading job, but I am going to school (online) full time, which means that I am going to have to hire either an au-pair or take the kids to a formal pre-school setting. I may do a combination of the two. I was approved for financial aid and school loans, and I'm considering using some of the school loans for the childcare I will need in order to be successful in my efforts. Last semester I took two classes, and this one I'll be taking four (one of which is Chemistry), so I need to make sure I have the support I am needing. This transition is going to be a difficult one. But, I am not running into this blind without a game plan. I have been structuring the kids' days with more activities and thinking carefully about what obstacles I'll face. I can't predict the future, but I believe we are called to prayerfully consider what we ought to prepare for and be ready for things that are foreseeable. It isn't going to be easy, but I'm ready for this new challenge.
I've learned a lot about myself and what I want over the last two very difficult years. That's the beauty of hardship... it tends to make you hold to the most important things and throw away the useless. I've found that I'm in love with learning about things, creating things and taking care of things. If I'm not accomplishing both of those things well in any given day, it makes me sad. Very sad. Sad enough to eat lots of chocolate and have cave woman hair.
When I wake up in the morning, I have a simple message written on my bathroom mirror that is the first thing I read during the day, "What can I accomplish today?"
So, I may not have much "spare time" at this phase of my life, but I am determined to take care of those around me with joyful enthusiasm rooted in my faith and hope that any good things I'm able to accomplish will somehow help not only my boys to become mature young men, but also to help my heart to heal.
With taking care of my children, my garden, baking a loaf of bread a day, getting some backyard chickens (the chicks arrive in just three days), writing and staying fit, I have a lot on my plate. But, joyfully carrying out my life and staying busy is what I truly love. Giving my boys a full, well-rounded life and as much love as they can stand without saying, "EEEEW, Mom! Gross! Quit being such a sap!" will make me feel like I've lived a life worth any of the difficulty.