So, here I am... up late.... baking a cake for my big dinner date with the man tomorrow. Yep. Baking. Yep - dinner date. Here. We're making an incredibly detailed menu, thanks to our mutual love of gourmet cooking. My ever-famous salad, thanks to my dear friend and third Mom's amazing recipe (berries and spinach with a homemade poppyseed dressing), then seared scallops, asparagus and linguine with a lobster and crab cream sauce, garlic bread, and then my Hummingbird Cake (ala Paula Deen) that is out of the oven and cooling now, ready for the icing. It's going to be an epic meal.
Keep in mind, the man offered to do all the grocery shopping, and help with meal prep and cleanup. I felt like I wanted to cry when he suggested this (Emotions: 1 Erin: 0) simply because he is the first person to have ever suggested such a sweet gesture to me. Even the SHOPPING? Just hand you a list, and like that - the groceries will appear?!?! I was floored.
That brings me to point number two.
This is scary. TERRIFYING even. Mainly because (I've just realized) I'm not convinced that I want to fall for anyone. This has been just over a month of dating, and I'm really scared. I can't shake it. I am at the point where I'm thinking about him when I'm going about my day, still getting called/texted multiple times daily, I get weak in the knees when he's around, and I'm shaking in my boots.
What is it about the female heart that makes us so stupid? Why can't I just relax and take it as it comes?
Yesterday, I was feeling the nerves, and of course, decided it was time to intentionally sabotage the relationship. I started completely wigging out on him. Poor guy didn't even see it coming.
"How was your day?"
"Well, don't even get me started! First...."
I totally let my crazy flag fly. I told him every little thing the kids did to bother me, and all the worries of my day and when he didn't react the way I wanted, I pulled the "insensitive" card on him, and pouted. (Emotions: 2 Erin: 0)
Yep. Real grown up... right here.
I even started crying when he gave me a little constructive criticism about my reaction to what he said. Talk about a real knee-jerk-push-that-girl-back-into-the-dating-pool opportunity. (Emotions: 3 Erin: 0)
Instead of running, as I suggested he do - he stuck around. I told him I had to get off the phone, and he respected my space. Two minutes go by, and I am still staring at the phone like a psychopath expecting him to do something. I don't know what, but hoping it would be something to make me feel better after making a total, utter fool of myself. (Emotions: 4 Erin: 0)
That's when I get this text:
He got it. I didn't even know what I wanted, but if he would have been there, at that moment, that's what he would have done. And, for me, that's always the right answer. (Emotions: 5 Erin: 1)
So, here I am, having time to myself to think about what is happening, and looking forward to tomorrow with an open mind, and an open heart.
These things just have to happen naturally, and if I'll only let my guard down, I may be surprised - with a smile on my face.