Thursday, March 25, 2010

Changing outlook.

I am at the point where I can scarcely recognize my own life.

Why, do you ask?

Because I'm so gosh darn happy all the time.

There was a time in the not so distant past that I couldn't seem to peer through the fog threatening to swallow up my day, struggling to find meaning and most especially - HAPPY through its vapor.

I find myself waking up with a whole new energy, zest and strength that I never knew I had in me. I was told over and over again during my divorce, "time heals all wounds". At the time, I couldn't fathom EVER being without that hideous ache in my chest, gripping me so tightly I could scarcely breathe. I CERTAINLY didn't think I would ever feel real JOY on a more regular basis, and would have thought anyone was truly insane if they told me I could be happy for whole days at a time.

Yet, here I am. So happy I could yell from rooftops.

"I've made it! I've conquered the ache!"

I've found an unshakable sense of who I am. I know, deep down, what I am here to accomplish. I know my favorite foods. I know my favorite songs. I *value* myself, my time and my heart. I have short and long-term goals that I am adding to my ACCOMPLISHED(!) list. I surround myself with pictures of happy memories with cherished friends and ticket stubs from events I'd only dreamed of attending. I've saved carefully and budgeted even more carefully to continue to make strides both personally and professionally.

The thing that I'm proudest of, and most thankful for - is that God never gave up on me. Even when I was at my weakest moments, questioning His very existence, I was brought jarringly to my knees and reminded of His power. I've been in tears of joy for the relationship God has brought me to understand more times than I can count.

This year so far, I've lost friends, been sick, been betrayed, laughed at, humiliated and targeted... but after being through more significant trials, I've learned to be patient and wait on the Lord.

A dear friend passed this on to me recently, and it's at the top of my cork-board in my office to remind me daily of the task given to me - to pray and wait on the Lord, as I have been, and to continue to see his spiritual blessings given despite any and all circumstances.

By Russel Kelfer

by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."


  1. I'm so glad to hear that you have found happiness! I love that poem. Sometimes it is very hard to 'wait' on God.

  2. Thank you, Beth! Waiting certainly is difficult. I felt stagnant - like I wasn't doing anything, but the "hard work" of waiting has paid off. I am right where God wants me. :)