Cset la vie...

In the last few weeks I've learned so much about myself. I've had so many of those "epiphany" moments... and all because of the goings-on of the last couple of weeks.

I was given such a gift. Being able to see myself clearly again for who I am, what I want and what I am capable of was shocking. It's strange how we can go through life thinking we're happy, thinking we're ok, and then something wakes us up and it's like a cold bucket of water dumped on our heads....

It was the best couple weeks of the last two years for me. I was treated like a valuable, beautiful woman and felt like myself again for the first time in a long time. The old Erin. The one before all of the hurt, humiliation and responsibility. The one who knew that she could achieve all of her goals and dreams, because she is CAPABLE and WORTHY of this. The spontaneous, happy, fun, silly Erin that I wish I could go back in time and be again. And I was. If only for a while.

My fears and insecurities from what has happened to me caused me to freak out at times, and this disrupted the joy. It makes me upset, because I know that if I had just "gone with the flow", things would have gone differently. Overthinking.... such a treacherous thing....

So, even though I chose not to pass "Go", and didn't collect $200... I am feeling like a million bucks. I remember what it is like to be a part of something great. Places in my heart opened up that I thought were locked, bound and thrown into the ocean... I never realized those parts could come alive again.

So, here I sit, alone again... but not SAD anymore. Thankful. Joyous. Happy. Hopeful....

So many wonderful things lie ahead of me, and no matter who I'm with... I remember what it feels like to be ME again. And that is a gift I am more grateful for than anyone could imagine.

Life interrupted

Being a single mom is tough as it is, but dating is a battlefield. Guys either view you as an easy "target" or as a big mess that they don't want to take on, for the most part. They'll occasionally test the waters and see if they can handle it... but, they usually get scared off if you do the slightest thing to make them think you're really interested. So, even if you had an amazing time, you have NO IDEA what they're really thinking. They have a LOT more to weigh in their minds about you... "What kind of baggage does this chick have?", "Does she want me to be involved with her kids?", "If she's so wonderful why did her ex leave her with three kids in tow?".... the list goes on and on...

So - I went on another wonderful date a couple of weeks ago, and I had the most amazing time! He was funny, educated, interesting, and was a great dancer. This would be, without a doubt, the very best date I've been on since the divorce, and I laughed myself SICK. We had a lot in common, very similar interests and goals... and similar personalities. He asked about the kiddos. I felt really comfortable around another guy for the first time in years. We had known each other before, and I'm sure that helped, but he was that overall wonderful, accomodating, attentive guy that every girl looooves to date. I had needed a great night out, and especially to let loose and dance. It's my therapy, I am telling you! So, great.... right?!?!

I begin to feel like the chick in "He's Just Not That Into You"... and checking my phone every five minutes for a text or call. This reallllly irritates me, because I don't like this icky feeling. I haven't had it for a long time. He doesn't call, he just texts. But, he doesn't always text back. It's hit or miss. So, a couple weeks of mixed signals later I end up realizing that I can't handle this kind of drama. Even if he IS a great guy, that doesn't mean he's right for me on *all* of the levels I need him to be. I need a calming influence, not someone playing hard to get.... someone who understands my history and is willing to be there through all of the ups and downs that are likely to plague me in my life because of it. I mean, I do want to have fun, but I have more to consider than my own entertainment. I'm not looking for Mr. Right now, I'm looking for Mr. Right. PERIOD. I don't have time for anything else.
Now, I'm not in dreamland thinking some guy is going to race along and sweep me off my feet, so the truth isn't hard to accept. But, it doesn't change the fact my circumstances are painful. Although my ex had moved on long before we divorced, and he's now remarried with another baby, it's been VERY difficult for me to find someone that I trust enough to even think about seriously dating. Just when I thought I did a couple of times, the guys let their crazy out or something doesn't quite fit. I think, however, that finding the RIGHT guy is easier because we're FORCED to have to wait for someone who will accept all of us, the work and joy of our children included.

That is, as long as we're willing to wait.

I'm human. I make mistakes. I don't know all of the "rules" to the dating game.... but most importantly, I don't like the rules. I don't think there should be "three day waiting periods" or certain faux pas that will ruin a relationship... any mature man would be able to see past the errors in play and understand that what is underneath the nervous exterior is what is most valuable. A strong, loyal, kind woman with a heart bigger than her whole self.

I am truly willing to wait.

My dreamboat....

A guy like this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ3Xom5XAM4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Edailymomsense%2Eblogspot%2Ecom%2F&feature=player_embedded

Julie & Julia

(For the record - THIS is my "impossible" feat...

mothering three boys, three and under - by myself!)

Because I'm slightly ridiculous, I feel like blogging about a blog written by a woman obsessed with Julia Child's cookbook... that became a book... that became a movie.

Sound fun? Read on.

First of all, I'm so excited about this movie it is hard to sit down and write this blog instead of jumping up and down and yelling from the rooftops about what a joy it was to watch. Yes, that seems dramatic, but it's true. :)

I had been waiting to see "Julie and Julia" for MONTHS now... as I love ALL things Julia Child. If I didn't have three children clinging at my ankles at every hour of the day and terrorizing my babysitters, I would have been like an obsessed teenager at the premiere of Twilight, camping out in the wee hours until the very first showing. The woman was a dynamo and my personal inspiration in the kitchen, ABOVE Martha Stewart. The original food wizard. A trailblazer for women and an overall good person with class and an honest zest for life.

I was in no way disappointed by even a moment of the movie's content. We all have inspirations in our life, and to find a sense of purpose and commitment beyond ourselves is a beautiful thing. It covered an incredible variety of subjects; love, commitment, following through on things we are deeply afraid of, achieving our goals one step at a time, the fact that true success isn't built by a frivolous fleeting moment of inspiration, courage to embrace our lives for what they are, taking the bitter with the sweet in life, and relishing the joy in seemingly boring tasks. I was encouraged, empathetic and transcendant when I left the theater... it was a simple message, but those are the kind that at times, and especially in this case, struck a cord that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. Take life one step at a time, and don't forget why you began the work you started. That will keep you going even when things seem bleak.

I was the dorkiest kid in the world - so obsessed with cooking shows even from a young age. I watched her show on PBS right before The Frugal Gourmet and loved the lilt of her voice and the enthusiasm which she displayed in everything she did. She made cooking seem so exciting and grand. I'd often host my own "cooking shows" in the bathtub, pouring different concoctions of soap from one container into the other to demonstrate my skills to my invisible audience (which sometimes became an audience of one or two as my parents, grandmother and aunt loved to peek in on my silly little world), at which time I would stop at an instant and usually cry out of embarassment.

Later, my soap concoctions would become REAL food "concoctions" (which my aunt and mother not-so-affectionately called my pitiful attempts at cooking). Then, my unsuspecting prey would eat the meal I had prepared at least thinking it would be *edible*, only to be sorely disappointed and quite ill. One of my legendary "meals" was when I took packaged lunchmeat, drizzled it with honey, sugar and pepper and microwaved it for a couple of minutes. I served it to my poor father on a piece of our fine china from the fancy cupboard, and bless his soul... he ate the whole thing praising my work the entire time.

Thankfully, my skills have improved, and now I have had several people survive and sincerely praise some of the things I have made for them. Cooking delicious, healthy, home-cooked meals for myself and my children is one of my biggest priorities in motherhood.

The biggest reason the movie was an encouragement to me, is that MANY MANY days I have a screaming, crying breakdown like the character in the movie. I feel at times like what I am doing isn't worthwhile, or that I am not strong enough to finish what I started, or that I am hopelessly and aimlessly wandering through life with starry-eyed visions of what my harsh reality is. But, we are all human, we all have those moments, and we all are forced to pick ourselves up... brush ourselves off.... and *breathe*.

When you put it all into perspective when you get overwhelmed, taking ONE step at a time, before you know it you'll be looking back over the months and years of work you've completed with a satisfied smile on your face, knowing that you've done YOUR impossible, and if you can still laugh about the missteps along the way.... then you will have TRULY succeeded.