Being alone is surprisingly freeing when you least expect it to be, and in my experience, it can be a very healing time with the right focus. During my time without a significant other to project my love upon, I have given all of the love I've been storing up to myself. I've taken care of myself better than I ever have, and I am more aware of my limits and my abilities. During this time I've also had the opportunity to re-evaluate what I want my life to consist of and what my driving force is. I've discovered many different loves in the process, but most of all I solidified the knowledge that the only thing I really want in life is to ease the burdens of others.
Nothing excites me more than making someone else's day. Lately, life has revolved largely around my children (mostly because three young children are so demanding of one's time and attention). There were times during this last couple of years that I grew increasingly frustrated with the direction of my life and feeling useless. Friends that I trusted deepened this insecurity by pointing out my flaws and my "inability to work full time" - ignoring the fact that my state of being was a choice. I knew that sacrifices would have to be made to accomodate the goals I had for my children, and I willingly accepted those sacrifices. Yes, I can't go out frequently with my friends because I can't afford to. So what if I can't keep my house Betty Crocker clean 24/7? So what if I can't find a date for every Saturday night? So what if I have very little to talk about other than my children or my life at home? How is that a BAD thing?
My kids are being given an excellent foundation from which to grow in comfort and confidence. I am not saying this road that I'm taking is the only road to take; I just know that it is best for *my* children, and I am unwilling to compromise their best interests, no matter what the minor personal cost in my life. The time they are home with me and wanting kisses and needing boo boos bandaged are so short. What is five years in comparison to a lifetime? The number one goal of my life is continuing to be nurtured - helping others. Wouldn't my children fall under that category?
In the future, I have grander dreams, *none* of which I will share with anyone but God. They are profoundly simple, but important to me and important to Him. I have every confidence that when I have my chance, I will fulfill them. In the meantime, I just go where the good Lord sends me. I am content with that. God has looked at my faults, forgiven them, subsequently seen my needs, fulfilled them, and now is graciously allowing me to be an encouragement in the lives of dozens of people whom I am increasingly endeared to.
So, I may never go to Ireland, walk the Great Wall, feed the poor in South America, become a CEO of a company, or even make more than 50k a year... but I rest in the Lord's grace and comfort, just going where the wind blows my heart and simply being available to those who ask me. God is fulfilling the desires of my heart in the process, more infinitely than I could ever imagine. How much greater can a life be than that?
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Life Support System
I have to first say, I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for. They are not all pictured here, but these ladies have been my life raft. I love you girls and the incredible fellowship we are able to share every week. You bless me more than you could ever know.During the time that my marriage was falling apart, I had some high notes and some low notes. Most of the time, it was the latter. I had a really hard time adjusting to my new life with twins, let alone my new life as a single mother of three children. It caused some serious re-organization, not to mention some pretty desperate moments of paralyzing fear. This process took nearly two years to complete, so it was a long ride to the bottom.
Some people in my life understood my hurt. Others didn't.
I learned that when we are going through difficult times, we need to have a secure and loving "life support" system in place. Life has some dark moments, and heaven help the person who has to go through those valleys alone. Thankfully, God had people in my life that I could count on, even if not those I would have expected to be there for me.
I moved back to my hometown when I was eight months pregnant with my twins. It was the worst and most painful decision I ever had to make. I never knew that I would be *that girl*. I had been proud of my achievements in my life, comfortable, happy and full of joy - even when life dished out it's worst. But, that all changed when I left. I melted.
I got back "home" and felt out of place. It was as if I was floating on a movie set that looked familiar, but it lacked a sense of permanence. My life as a former Army spouse was anything but, and we moved around from place to place at Uncle Sam's whims. I don't think I even realized I was here to stay until a year after the move. It didn't sink in until the divorce papers were finalized. And, it took another half year to fully realize that I was divorced. In-between the beginning and the end, I was searching for myself while trying to raise my newborn twins and my toddler son with only child syndrome. I lived with my parents for four months, and after that, in my former sister in law's parent's basement. I was just grateful for a place for me and my children to be that was rent free, even though the relationship would be potentially strained from all that was going on in my life. Thankfully, they were very gracious even with my children screaming from time to time, and with me crying most of the time.
I let myself be emotionally used and abused during this time more than I ever have before. The reason for this is because I was so uncertain of every aspect of who I was, what I had done, reasons why I was alone and what I should do. My mind was like a whirling vortex of questions and what if's. I really hated where I was at, and that was the only thing I was sure about. I reached out to people who I thought were closest to me, only to be disappointed every time. I needed so much, but no one could fill the gaping hole that was my heart. All they could do was shovel, and it would never fill up.
For the times I wanted to get out and relax, I'd go out with my friends. Unfortunately, because of how I was feeling, it was hard for them to be around me. No one likes a Debbie Downer, but that was the only way I could heal - to get out and have time to re-charge. There were friends I thought were true blue, but instead of being there, they were critical. Unfortunately, I fed off of this, because I was already hyper-critical of myself... and it was at least pushing me into a direction. A downward spiral. I was teetering on the edge of sanity anyway, and I was either going to be pulled up or pushed off. Guess what these so-called friends did?
Friendship isn't about having people who do exactly as you would or to tell others how to live, it is simply to be a part of another person's journey. God calls us to love one another. The passage on love in Romans is one of my favorites:
"Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." Romans 12:14-16
Throughout this passage, God explains how we are to love one another. It isn't simply the feeling of affection, but our actions that matter the most. I am now able to pick and choose my relationships with no regrets based on this blueprint of how we should treat each other. When I notice a recurring pattern with these relationships that is causing me undue heartache, I have learned to simply and graciously walk away, to preserve peace for myself and for the other person. The only person you can change is yourself. People are naturally who they are, and if they aren't that way when you are around, they will be even more like their true self when you're not.
For those of you who have never experienced tragedy, know that when a friend is in their worst state, just BE THERE. Listen... don't give advice unless asked or life, limb or eyesight is at risk. Simply let them be whatever brand of crazy they are at the moment. Emotions do strange things to the human mind. Eventually, when whatever whacked out hormones (especially if they're pregnant or a sleep-deprived new mother! lol) stop making them do the insane things they are doing, things will become more clear and they will thank you for being their shoulder to cry on... and eventually they will do the same for you. Life was never promised to be fair, or perfect or even pleasant, only eventful. The surest thing is that we will experience heartache at some point in time.
When you're re-built from the bottom up, you have a lot less tolerance for foolishness, because you know how much hard work it takes to successfully get through a day, and how much energy it wastes to be negative. Now that some significant time has passed since the divorce, I am truly happy again. I have learned to form clear boundaries with friends, and to remember to love them no matter what choices they make. After all, you never know when you'll need them as much as they needed you.
Some people in my life understood my hurt. Others didn't.
I learned that when we are going through difficult times, we need to have a secure and loving "life support" system in place. Life has some dark moments, and heaven help the person who has to go through those valleys alone. Thankfully, God had people in my life that I could count on, even if not those I would have expected to be there for me.
I moved back to my hometown when I was eight months pregnant with my twins. It was the worst and most painful decision I ever had to make. I never knew that I would be *that girl*. I had been proud of my achievements in my life, comfortable, happy and full of joy - even when life dished out it's worst. But, that all changed when I left. I melted.
I got back "home" and felt out of place. It was as if I was floating on a movie set that looked familiar, but it lacked a sense of permanence. My life as a former Army spouse was anything but, and we moved around from place to place at Uncle Sam's whims. I don't think I even realized I was here to stay until a year after the move. It didn't sink in until the divorce papers were finalized. And, it took another half year to fully realize that I was divorced. In-between the beginning and the end, I was searching for myself while trying to raise my newborn twins and my toddler son with only child syndrome. I lived with my parents for four months, and after that, in my former sister in law's parent's basement. I was just grateful for a place for me and my children to be that was rent free, even though the relationship would be potentially strained from all that was going on in my life. Thankfully, they were very gracious even with my children screaming from time to time, and with me crying most of the time.
I let myself be emotionally used and abused during this time more than I ever have before. The reason for this is because I was so uncertain of every aspect of who I was, what I had done, reasons why I was alone and what I should do. My mind was like a whirling vortex of questions and what if's. I really hated where I was at, and that was the only thing I was sure about. I reached out to people who I thought were closest to me, only to be disappointed every time. I needed so much, but no one could fill the gaping hole that was my heart. All they could do was shovel, and it would never fill up.
For the times I wanted to get out and relax, I'd go out with my friends. Unfortunately, because of how I was feeling, it was hard for them to be around me. No one likes a Debbie Downer, but that was the only way I could heal - to get out and have time to re-charge. There were friends I thought were true blue, but instead of being there, they were critical. Unfortunately, I fed off of this, because I was already hyper-critical of myself... and it was at least pushing me into a direction. A downward spiral. I was teetering on the edge of sanity anyway, and I was either going to be pulled up or pushed off. Guess what these so-called friends did?
Friendship isn't about having people who do exactly as you would or to tell others how to live, it is simply to be a part of another person's journey. God calls us to love one another. The passage on love in Romans is one of my favorites:
"Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." Romans 12:14-16
Throughout this passage, God explains how we are to love one another. It isn't simply the feeling of affection, but our actions that matter the most. I am now able to pick and choose my relationships with no regrets based on this blueprint of how we should treat each other. When I notice a recurring pattern with these relationships that is causing me undue heartache, I have learned to simply and graciously walk away, to preserve peace for myself and for the other person. The only person you can change is yourself. People are naturally who they are, and if they aren't that way when you are around, they will be even more like their true self when you're not.
For those of you who have never experienced tragedy, know that when a friend is in their worst state, just BE THERE. Listen... don't give advice unless asked or life, limb or eyesight is at risk. Simply let them be whatever brand of crazy they are at the moment. Emotions do strange things to the human mind. Eventually, when whatever whacked out hormones (especially if they're pregnant or a sleep-deprived new mother! lol) stop making them do the insane things they are doing, things will become more clear and they will thank you for being their shoulder to cry on... and eventually they will do the same for you. Life was never promised to be fair, or perfect or even pleasant, only eventful. The surest thing is that we will experience heartache at some point in time.
When you're re-built from the bottom up, you have a lot less tolerance for foolishness, because you know how much hard work it takes to successfully get through a day, and how much energy it wastes to be negative. Now that some significant time has passed since the divorce, I am truly happy again. I have learned to form clear boundaries with friends, and to remember to love them no matter what choices they make. After all, you never know when you'll need them as much as they needed you.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Purpose.
As always, no time to rest and catch up on my reading.... :)This is one of those wonderful days where I feel totally and completely in awe of God's wonderful mercy and his guidance in my life. So many things went wrong, but as always, the bigger picture is making more and more sense to me - like the fitting together of pieces in a jigsaw puzzle.
A friend recently sent me a quote - saying something like "just when I think I'm all comfy, sitting in a chair without a care in the world, the bar comes over my lap and God says, 'Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle, and enjoy the ride!'" To me, every day in my life is an adventure with the Lord directing the ups and downs. No matter how scary things become, I trust that the ride will land me safely in His arms, exactly where I am supposed to be. When circumstances become more dire than I'd like, I just hold onto that bar for dear life and pray.
I am exactly where I want to be. Someone from the outside may view what I do ("just" motherhood) as being counterproductive to my overall life goal. I make sacrifices to be in the position I am in, because I see the bigger picture at work. I may live on a meager budget and pull my hair out being at home all day with three little boys, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I rarely get a break, and when I do, it is on a strict time schedule. I never have the comfort of getting to "unload" to a spouse, and have him nod in understanding. I can't just run to the grocery store. When I am running low on something, I have to plan days in advance and take three screaming children with me. Pushing a cart teeming with groceries and attempting to maintain my handful of coupons, I dextrously make my way through the store with my aisle-coordinated shopping list. When I leave the bag boy has to re-pack things into a new cart, and then help "shoo" me out of the store so as not to disrupt the sanity of the other customers when my kiddos have "expired". Imagine this scenario once a week....! The closest thing to "adult" time I have is watching TV dramas by myself with a cup of hot tea at the end of my day. I have conversations about trains and poop and sharing most of my waking hours.
But, even though my mind is rotting away as we speak from lack of true intellectual stimulation - I get to be the one to bandage the boo-boos. I get to be the one that my children run to when they are scared or sad and comfort them in the way only a mother knows how. I get to be there with each new milestone completed and cheer like I'm at the Super Bowl and my team just scored the winning touchdown when one of my wee people stacks twelve blocks all by himself. I practically paint my face with my team colors (team Barnhart!).
A friend recently sent me a quote - saying something like "just when I think I'm all comfy, sitting in a chair without a care in the world, the bar comes over my lap and God says, 'Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle, and enjoy the ride!'" To me, every day in my life is an adventure with the Lord directing the ups and downs. No matter how scary things become, I trust that the ride will land me safely in His arms, exactly where I am supposed to be. When circumstances become more dire than I'd like, I just hold onto that bar for dear life and pray.
I am exactly where I want to be. Someone from the outside may view what I do ("just" motherhood) as being counterproductive to my overall life goal. I make sacrifices to be in the position I am in, because I see the bigger picture at work. I may live on a meager budget and pull my hair out being at home all day with three little boys, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I rarely get a break, and when I do, it is on a strict time schedule. I never have the comfort of getting to "unload" to a spouse, and have him nod in understanding. I can't just run to the grocery store. When I am running low on something, I have to plan days in advance and take three screaming children with me. Pushing a cart teeming with groceries and attempting to maintain my handful of coupons, I dextrously make my way through the store with my aisle-coordinated shopping list. When I leave the bag boy has to re-pack things into a new cart, and then help "shoo" me out of the store so as not to disrupt the sanity of the other customers when my kiddos have "expired". Imagine this scenario once a week....! The closest thing to "adult" time I have is watching TV dramas by myself with a cup of hot tea at the end of my day. I have conversations about trains and poop and sharing most of my waking hours.
But, even though my mind is rotting away as we speak from lack of true intellectual stimulation - I get to be the one to bandage the boo-boos. I get to be the one that my children run to when they are scared or sad and comfort them in the way only a mother knows how. I get to be there with each new milestone completed and cheer like I'm at the Super Bowl and my team just scored the winning touchdown when one of my wee people stacks twelve blocks all by himself. I practically paint my face with my team colors (team Barnhart!).
Who wouldn't with moments like this:
So, while most people my age secure their careers and their futures, I am securing tabs on diapers and high chair trays into place. And, I'm ok with that.
(Shane, in the rolling toy box. I always find him here. He thinks he's hiding... :))
The incredible thing is, that in spite of my challenges, God is working in my mud puddle of a life and making beauty appear all around me with no effort of my own. Ugly things happen to me nearly every day, and God has taught me to first deal with these circumstances with grace and prayer.
I am human, and have my freakout moments, but the overall theme in my heart is a record on repeat, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, make your requests known to the Lord..." - and it is like an instant shot of peace to hear the words reverberate in my mind. I have seen God take my circumstances and make tiny miracles happen. For some, they may sound silly and frivolous, but at the time, it was all I needed to re-direct my attention to the one who gives.
One week, about a year ago - I was completely out of money and in very low spirits. I had a tube of mascara that was way past its expiration date, and it made my eyes itchy to even put it on. But, I felt so *ugly* due to recent circumstances surrounding my divorce (which was another one of Satan's lies to disrupt my life), I put it on every day anyway. I couldn't afford to spend any money on anything but true necessities. Just when I was feeling my saddest, someone had just bought two tubes of mascara and offered to give me one. They weren't happy with the formulation, and had it right there to give to me. Yes, frivolous, but I knew that it was a "God thing". He saw my sadness and perked me up when I thought my entire life was hopeless. At least I had mascara. To me, that was a start, at least!
Then, recently, someone openly criticized me to a group of my friends, saying I should just "get a job" if I need a break from my kids. I was devastated by the sentiment, because I work very hard providing what I can for my sons, and give up so much to do what I feel is the right thing for my boys in this situation. Three days later, I was offered a small job writing a blog and posting corresponding pictures for a photographer - without any effort of my own... this job was placed in front of me. Just enough to make a little bit of extra money, and now I am able to just stay up late a couple of nights a month, get out some creative energy and help someone I care about attract new photography clients. It couldn't be more exciting to see God work when we just sit back in prayer. So, in spite of the snarky comments of others, God knows my heart and my desire to be a productive individual, AND my current financial need.... right where I am.
A friend shared this amazing verse and corresponding note with me. Actually, she's better than a friend, she's my dear friend in Christ and my son's great aunt. God put it on her heart to write me over a hundred letters over the past two years since my divorce. REAL hand-written letters, which in today's world REALLY says something! Even though I never have had time to write back, I appreciate her friendship and care more deeply because she did this without a pat on the back.
"'The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives.' Psalm 37:23
Thought you might enjoy this phrase I read in a book about this verse. The book gave a thesaurus definition for 'delight': laugh, smile, get a kick out of, hug oneself, rave, bask in, enjoy, wallow, have fun, exhilirate, relish, elate, thrill, ravish, entrance, enrapture. Isn't that neat?" - M
Although to some, what I do is boring and dull - God *delights* in my simple life. He sees the love in my children's eyes when I make their storytime more special by acting out the words, the wonder on their faces when they discover a whole mess of caterpillars on a bush in the backyard, and the joy they emanate when they throw dirt sky high covering their tiny faces... making them look like chimney sweeps. He also sees the look of disgust on my part knowing the mess I have to clean up with the aftermath of the latter, and then that look quickly changing to a giggle when I realize how incredible life is from a child's eyes. What adult enjoys being covered head to toe in dirt? When I feel all alone, I talk to God in my heart about the wonderful works of his hands - my boys. I know without a doubt he shares my joy.
(Can you say, "Dirt!")
(Doesn't care that his head is stuck, he thinks it's a helmet!)
(Help, mom! Flowerpots don't taste very good - can I have my juice?!?!)God has great plans for me, here, at home. This is where my heart will continue to be, and where I feel the greatest sense of purpose and accomplishment. With my sons.
(Putting their hands in the air and saying "whee" up the windy road to our house - which they do every day!)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Thinky.
Life is meant for change. We are never the same as we were. Every day that we age brings about another new challenge. Whether it be one more wrinkle, a painful circumstance or a totally new location - the Lord meant for life to be a challenge to draw him closer to us. Thinking of Job gives me so much encouragement. Our life changes are so minor compared to his - however difficult they may seem.
God challenges us every day to either accept our circumstances or fight against them in misery. I choose to accept. I choose to look at what he lays out before me and understand what His purpose is for me in dealing with it. Most importantly, I strive to deal with them in a way that is fitting of God's desire for my life, even though I frequently fail (thanks to my ever present humanness...).
Praise God for his ever-present faithfulness to us in our lives, even as we struggle to handle the weight and difficulty of our days.
God challenges us every day to either accept our circumstances or fight against them in misery. I choose to accept. I choose to look at what he lays out before me and understand what His purpose is for me in dealing with it. Most importantly, I strive to deal with them in a way that is fitting of God's desire for my life, even though I frequently fail (thanks to my ever present humanness...).
Praise God for his ever-present faithfulness to us in our lives, even as we struggle to handle the weight and difficulty of our days.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Road trip!
Well, our trip to California was a smashing success! I wouldn't have considered this trip even a possibility before, especially because it was going to be a 22 hour drive, but now that it's over I feel like I've learned a lot about traveling with small children. Will had just turned three, and the twins are now 19 months old, so it was a formidable challenge!
First, I made sure I had TONS of snacks in all different varieties that would be relatively easy to clean up. I also brought two packages of Capri Sun drinks and a cooler with water to make sure I was only giving them a half formula of sugar. My dear friend Shastina let me borrow her two screen DVD player, and I had oodles of DVD's to keep their attention. We used it only when the kids really started to melt down to divert their attention. Getting out every two hours to let them stretch their legs was great, too, but in retrospect I kind of wish I had a leash for each kid with me! :D
Still, there were moments that challenged my sanity.... kids screaming and throwing cheeseburger particles at each other, my "country driving skills" being put to the test in 7 lanes of traffic at rush hour with three screaming children in the back, Will making friends with random people at rest stops and trying to take whatever food they had, Shane and Matthew screaming at the top of their lungs REFUSING to go to sleep the one night we stayed in a hotel forcing me to hold them both while standing and bouncing so that my dad could at least sleep.... but overall it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated.
My dad rode with me on the way down, so I had an extra helping hand with the kiddos. We planned diversions for ourselves that were "foodie dream stops" and we had an absolute blast making life long memories. I rarely get to spend so much time with my father, and I felt blessed to get to hear so much about his life and to be able to navigate the open road. It has already brought us closer together.
We stayed with family the first night, and quickly realized that it was going to be a significant disturbance for their daily life, so they graciously put us up in a hotel nearer to the hotel venue in Mission Viejo. It was perfect! I didn't have to use my pack-n-plays if I didn't want to, because the hotel had some for our use. But, because I wanted that space freed up in our car, I just used the ones I had brought. The free breakfast really helped our budget, too!
We had tons of things planned to do when we arrived - mostly to visit my sick grandfather, but also for me to be a bridesmaid in my Aunt's wedding, for Will to be the ringbearer, and to take the kiddos to Disneyland. The latter being what I was most excited about... it was a very important place to me as a child... living only a few minutes from the gate enabled me to go daily at times. I know the layout so well I could draw up my OWN map! :)
The wedding was phenomenal. My new uncle is an incredible wedding photographer, and he had 5 of his photo-biz friends taking pics of the event. They had such an amazing ceremony - dove release, incredible DJ, dancing around the pool, lifeguards to watch the children swim into the evening, enormous buffet style meal with different entree options.... it was all impeccably done. We also managed to get the first true family portrait done with EVERYONE included in more than 10 years! I can't wait to see how they turned out. Of course, it will be a few weeks before we see pictures, but I know it will be worth the wait!
The whole experience made me feel so lucky to be a part of the wonderful family I have. I don't think I had that much fun in YEARS. Growing up in Southern California and moving to Idaho when I was ten made me feel somewhat disconnected from my roots and who I am, but the time I spent with everyone re-connected my heart to things so wonderful I *wanted* to forget them. I somehow feel stronger, more beautiful and significantly ready to attack the challenges to come my way.
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