Being alone is surprisingly freeing when you least expect it to be, and in my experience, it can be a very healing time with the right focus. During my time without a significant other to project my love upon, I have given all of the love I've been storing up to myself. I've taken care of myself better than I ever have, and I am more aware of my limits and my abilities. During this time I've also had the opportunity to re-evaluate what I want my life to consist of and what my driving force is. I've discovered many different loves in the process, but most of all I solidified the knowledge that the only thing I really want in life is to ease the burdens of others.
Nothing excites me more than making someone else's day. Lately, life has revolved largely around my children (mostly because three young children are so demanding of one's time and attention). There were times during this last couple of years that I grew increasingly frustrated with the direction of my life and feeling useless. Friends that I trusted deepened this insecurity by pointing out my flaws and my "inability to work full time" - ignoring the fact that my state of being was a choice. I knew that sacrifices would have to be made to accomodate the goals I had for my children, and I willingly accepted those sacrifices. Yes, I can't go out frequently with my friends because I can't afford to. So what if I can't keep my house Betty Crocker clean 24/7? So what if I can't find a date for every Saturday night? So what if I have very little to talk about other than my children or my life at home? How is that a BAD thing?
My kids are being given an excellent foundation from which to grow in comfort and confidence. I am not saying this road that I'm taking is the only road to take; I just know that it is best for *my* children, and I am unwilling to compromise their best interests, no matter what the minor personal cost in my life. The time they are home with me and wanting kisses and needing boo boos bandaged are so short. What is five years in comparison to a lifetime? The number one goal of my life is continuing to be nurtured - helping others. Wouldn't my children fall under that category?
In the future, I have grander dreams, *none* of which I will share with anyone but God. They are profoundly simple, but important to me and important to Him. I have every confidence that when I have my chance, I will fulfill them. In the meantime, I just go where the good Lord sends me. I am content with that. God has looked at my faults, forgiven them, subsequently seen my needs, fulfilled them, and now is graciously allowing me to be an encouragement in the lives of dozens of people whom I am increasingly endeared to.
So, I may never go to Ireland, walk the Great Wall, feed the poor in South America, become a CEO of a company, or even make more than 50k a year... but I rest in the Lord's grace and comfort, just going where the wind blows my heart and simply being available to those who ask me. God is fulfilling the desires of my heart in the process, more infinitely than I could ever imagine. How much greater can a life be than that?