Friday, February 5, 2010

Learning to say no...

I'm a people pleaser. It is just my nature. I want the people around me to feel loved and cared for.

I'm also direct. When you do something I feel is harmful, I'm not going to beat around the bush and keep quiet. I'm going to politely go to you and let you know that what you are doing is hurting me. Tactful, but direct.

Through the inevitable difficulty this has brought at times, I'm learning something important.

How to say no.

How to say "no" to a friendship. How to say "no" to a conversation. How to say "no" to participating in events with people who do harmful things, no matter how guilty I feel. I have to do what is best for me.

I've also learned:

Why I don't always have to explain myself if someone thinks ill of me. God will show them in time what truth is.

Why sometimes the best thing to say is nothing, even when someone is attacking you. Again, God reveals truth.

Why I have just one person whose opinion I should be concerned about - and that is God.

Why you should choose friends and confidants wisely, because inevitably, when you make a poor choice in a friend, they will betray you in ways you never thought possible. God is the best confidant. He will never disappoint me.

There are things that we all need to learn about our strengths and our weaknesses, and I choose to be a person who listens to criticism, and try to improve.

Oprah once said, "Turn your wounds into wisdom." I plan on doing just that.


  1. *NOTE* This post has been edited to reflect the original intention of the message - that sometimes it is best to cut ties with people that are negative and do not add anything to your life. I know that many of us single moms (and moms in general!) tend to "bite the bullet" and keep negative people in our lives, but sometimes, it's better for both people to just let go.

  2. Hi,
    Noticed you haven't posted fo a few days.
    If it's because things are good then that great, enjoy it. If it's because things are bad get Greg on the case :)
    Look forward to your next post.. have a good weekend.

  3. Things are sort of bad... Valentine's Day weekend is just a glaring reminder of alone-ness. LOL. I hope you have a good weekend, too!

  4. I read your 3D post, i'll comment here on this older post incase my comment gets long so you can just delete it.

    In any recovery there is a process. The problem is alot of the time we don't quite know where we are in that process.
    From what i've read you made it through the beginning stage, that all consuming fight for survival. You now seem to have taken care of all the practical things, routine for the children, house/home,car, gym etc.
    The journey, (the extreme version not the light), you have been on so far has forced you to reflect on life in ways that the people around you may not understand, even the ones who assure you they do.

    At this point you step into an area of conflict, Theoretical versus Practical. What you know/believe versus what you have to get up and live everyday. The greater the difference between the two, the greater the frustration you will experience.

    A window of opportunity will open up. A point where all your practical considerations will be at a point which allow you to do whatever it is you want to do to get you where you want to go in life. During that window there will be a place for everything you've learned, a place where your efforts are rewarded.

    But what about now? You concentrate on getting yourself to that window and in the best physical and mental/emotional state possibe.

    People will always be people. For you to design a filter capable of letting the highest quality potentialy 3D type people through and repelling the rest will cost you more in time and effort than you can afford.

    So what do you do? You cant withdraw because withdrawl leads to depression. So you adjust your vantage point, you gain perspective, you depersonalise the unimportant conflicts and brush them aside.

    Read Proverbs 19 verse 8
    now add Proverbs 19 verse 11 to that.

  5. The discrepancies between what I believe/experience are so great as of late that I *am* very frustrated (obviously). And, I agree, getting myself there in the best possible state is key, and there were (are) many people that were close to me who I thought were supportive, but literally pulled the rug out from under me when they made a mistake. In trying to be kind and reaching out to help when I was asked, I opened myself up for criticism and target practice. I also agree that a "filter" costs a great deal of time and effort, but sometimes people do it for you when they treat you unfairly and attempt to slander your name across town, and on the internet.

    I also agree that my vantage point needs to be adjusted. I am very tender-hearted, and sometimes to a fault. This last week wreaked havoc on my heart (anniversary-valentines), and this situation that caused the outpouring of my heart in this blog continued to sting.

    After reading the verses in Proverbs, which I think were well chosen, I continued to read and noticed Proverbs 19:19, and that applies to this circumstance. Sometimes, as a friend, it is important to let the natural consequences of a situation fall on the person who caused them, because it is truly out of love for the person who committed the wrong. I have had to learn to self-protect during my healing process, and it is something I am still very poor at. I suppose that was the point of what I was saying... that I have to learn when to cut my losses with people who cause too much harm instead of forcing a relationship that is dysfunctional. It's hard to explain without getting specific.

  6. From your reply i understand that you haven't missed any factors.I see your strength.

    Yes absolutely, anniversaries etc can be a real pain regardless of how far we've come.

    I think you made a key point in what you said in your last paragraph and beleive that "forcing" anything is seldom a good idea.

    Proverbs 19:19 is true as it's done in love.

    Without getting too specific :) have a good day.