After two years of torture, I'm finally on my way. I'm in school, I own my car outright, I'm in a wonderful home that is feeling more and more like my own every day, I have wonderful family and wonderfully supportive, funny and loyal friends, and my babies are becoming little boys. Even though I've gotten myself to a place where I'm now spiritually, intellectually and physically comfortable... I am still hurting.
Eight years of being with someone who you trusted implicitly, who ultimately betrayed you in the most horrific ways.... every one you could ever imagine and NEVER expected... you're left a little (LOT) gun-shy of relationships. And, you freak out. A lot. My typical number of dates before I abandon a potential relationship entirely is ONE. One! When I feel a significant amount of potential, I last about three dates. Then, I expect too much. When I start to feel something for someone... I really start to panic. I don't like that feeling one bit. I say to myself, "It didn't end well the first time, so why should it end well this time? SELF PROTECT!" What on earth ever happened to living one day at a time, taking things as they come, and just learning to RELAX?!?!
Part of the problem is how intensely I feel for my boys. I want to protect THEM, most of all. I don't want them to go without a father forever. I also don't want to bring someone into my life, and spend time with said man instead of them, all for nothing. However, I can't simply sit around and expect a guy to break my door down and sweep me off my feet. It's a difficult position to be put into! These are the times I get most angry at my ex, even though I have long since forgiven him, because I'm forced to walk this tightrope of dating/staying home. They deserve so much more than what I can give them by myself, though, and I'm definitely not a guy... so when it comes time for "guy talks", I want them to have someone to rattle things off to who truly knows them inside and out. I also want this person to be someone who makes my heart skip a beat, who can keep up with me intellectually, and is a reliable, loyal, good man. Seems impossible so much of the time.
My prayer lately has been something to this effect:
Dear Heavenly Father.... I'm on my way to the rest of my life. I am following your directives. Please help me to not freak out so much. My heart can't take the rollercoaster anymore. I need a break from my emotions. I want to be comfortable wherever you have me, and in whatever circumstances you place me in. Please help me to undertake challenges and surprises with dignity and grace.
As with everyone else, I am a work in progress. I spend time self-evaluating and even more time in prayer. I just want to do what God has for me, quietly, with joy and a strong, almost tangible, sense of faith. So, I'm going to continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other, praying for each day one at a time, and not getting ahead of myself. I am confident that God will continue to use my circumstances to develop even more strength, wisdom and patience, and that's a freeing feeling. I don't need to over-analyze or waste energy getting scared or upset. It will happen, when it happens. All I can do is sit patiently and smile, knowing that God has something far better for me this time than he did the last.
The passage I'm studying and praying about this week:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34