Saturday, November 28, 2009

Choosing the right thing... harder than it looks.

I love being alone.

I like being able to choose whatever I want for dinner. I like to cuddle up in ugly pajamas and even uglier knee-socks to enjoy some hot cocoa and alone time before the kiddos wake up to watch the Today Show and giggle at Al Roker and his cheesy jokes in the morning. I enjoy the fact that no one bothers me if I want to work on a scrapbooking project on the dining room table. I love having my kiddos all to myself, and that I get to go on endless adventures with them every single day. Their innocence and curiosity keep my heart going on days I thought it wouldn't, simply because I am able to listen in the quiet moments of their day.

That being said...

I hate being alone.

I know, I'm a walking dichotomy. Maybe it's that I try to see the silver lining in every situation. It could be that I'm nuts. Or, it could be that I want to be ok with my circumstances, because I know it is best for my kids for the time being.

I hate going to bed without anyone to talk to about the day. I hate not having anything to look forward to except bed time. I hate not having another life to share vicariously and not having someone to support and encourage that speaks in full sentences. I even hate not having to pick up giant clothes off the bathroom floor.

There are few things in life that I hate more than being lonely. If I'm not helping someone, getting to know someone or laughing with someone, I feel empty. It goes completely against my nature.

That being said, I spend a lot of time alone lately.

Between caring for the kids (who make me VERY un-alone, but VERY stressed at times with such a demanding myriad of needs), school, keeping up a household by myself, and working on photo shoots and other projects... I feel pushed to my anti-social limit. Although I want to get out and date, I have to do so sparingly. Taking time away from the kids is virtually impossible at the moment. They're going in a million directions at once, and they cooperate much like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. Going into any situation as a team, they quickly detect weaknesses in their care providers and get into all kinds of trouble, making babysitters tougher to come by than if there were fewer (or even better behaved) children. At the moment, I'm not sure whether to give up entirely on the pursuit or to attempt yet another waste-of-time date. After so many men declaring their true intentions either by action or words, it all seems like a cruel joke. The only guys I can "count on" in my life are the little ones. My three saboteurs.

So, in the meantime, I choose alone-time. I'm on hiatus.

I am old and wise enough to know that this is just a season, and I am content with that. I've found wonderful ways to cope, and I'm learning more of them every day. Favorite of these strategies: always having a book in hand. It's amazing how much your heart can be contented by a good story and interesting dialogue. That, and having an overactive imagination can be more entertaining than real life.

What are your coping strategies for loneliness?


  1. Sweetie, I love this one I love them all but I can so understand this :)

  2. Hi pretty! Just read your blog. Amazing as always :) I'm looking forward to a book from you in a few years :) I know you may feel lonely at times and I pray that you feel the Lord's presence and comfort in those times. From the outside looking in I see a magnificent story the Lord is writing with your life. A st...ory that draws people to the source of your joy...Him.

  3. I love reading your daily truly are an amazing woman and very inspiring!! How do you manage your time so well?!!

  4. As someone coming from a remarried home... I think it's awesome that you're choosing your kids over yourself and a new guy. My mom got remarried 2 years after my dad died (so when I was 7) and it still stinks. He is not a dad and has never acted like he wanted to be. He is my mom's husband. And if I could talk to my mom 18 years ago...I would beg her to focus on us and put her desires aside. You asked for I guess there's mine!

  5. Caitlin - that is awesome to know. I am very in tune with my strengths and weaknesses, and right now the kids need so much of my attention (being the sole parent in their lives). I go out and have fun once in a blue moon, but I cannot justify building something with someone I don't feel is serious and understanding... so far no one has been. I also feel that God will "make me to know" who is the right one - it should be clear as day. Thank you for your input!

  6. Excellent. I read with an "editor's eye" and virtual red pen in hand... and found nothing to critique. Well done!

    And while it is certainly not the same... while my husband is deployed... I somewhat get what you are saying. I too love being "alone," yet want nothing more than to NOT be alone. hugs

  7. Amy! Thank you so much!!! I feel like I just earned a gold star! ;) That is a compliment. I always write these "from the hip" and never spell check. Maybe I should start. ;) Thank you for the encouragement! :)

  8. I've decided that "all I want for Christmas/my birthday" is a plane ticket to my Erin.

    All I want for you is to go back and punch someone in the nuts for shaking up your life the way he did. I could give you all kinds of words, advice, tips, bible verses, etc about being alone and/or finding a new lifemate...

    But really it all just sucks. Because this isn't how your life was supposed to be. He didn't hold up his end of the bargain and I guess I'm still mad at how he hurt you so deeply and how it has affected every single aspect of your life.

    That being said - we all know he did you a favor. Not only by getting him out of the picture cause he's a *insert naughty word not suitible for children here* but because he forced you to come out and blossom into this AMAZING and WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL woman that we all love so much. The strength you've been forced to show, the dignity, the grace...

    Yes, he did you a favor. I hate that it had to hurt in the process, but after I kick him in his jibbly bits, I might have to thank him for removing the poison out of your life and allowing you to heal and thrive without him.

    Now how's THAT for a walking dichotomy?

  9. Mandi.... you seriously crack me up! Jibbly bits?!?!! Hehe.

    Yes, the poison is now GONE for GOOD and I get to re-focus on the life Christ has given me. A beautiful one, though fraught with hardship at times, I'm truly so wonderfully cared for by his divine providence. In my weak moments I remember all the wonderful joy He has gifted my heart with and I am again humbled by His presence.

    I am so thankful for a friend who can understand and encourage my broken heart the way you always have. It moves me to tears!

  10. Erin, I so totally get you. I was a single mama for two years (albeit to only one!) and I completely swore off dating after one relationship that didn't go in the direction I was expecting it to go. I gave it all to God, and said if I'm meant to be with someone, that someone will come walking in when I least expect it.

    Literally two months later, in walked my husband.

    I know that there is someone out there for you - someone who is so wonderful, and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and treat your boys as his own. I know it. You have really changed through all of this, and you are an awesome woman. I really admire you.

  11. Jen - that truly warms my heart. I have given it ALL to God, and have asked him to even CLOSE THE DOOR to men who are bad for me. He does, every single time. I am thankful not to be stuck wasting time on people who won't be there for me in the capacity which I need them. I know what I have to give as a woman and as a wife, and know what I deserve. I don't ask for much, and because of that, I know it is reasonable. :)

    I am looking forward with great anticipation for the day when this is all a distant memory, but life is fraught with difficulty. To have someone stand by me through it would be an honor.

    I hadn't really thought about how much I had changed through this until you just pointed it out. I'm thankful for everything that happened: even the bad. God has worked in and through me to develop a more mature sense of what I am capable of, what I am designed for and what I can endure. So incredibly freeing. Thank you for your continued encouragement, Jen. It is humbling to know that you care!

  12. Oh Erin... I just read your blog. You are amazing. I wish I could express myself the way you do. You have so much faith, emotion and strength in what you write. You are so beautiful and I know God has this amazing plan for you. Although the ride may be rough at times, it will be something brilliant. You are in my prayers. :)

  13. I hear you... it is a dichotomy, isn't it? I spent three years as a single mom, most of that time fearful of entering into another relationship, but now that I've found one - it's amazing because I can still do all of the things I did when I was single. The best relationships give to you, not take away... hang in there and your blog is such a treasure!

    Ms. Single Mama

    P.S. for you:

  14. ALAINA!!!! I'm honored!!! Thank you so much. I am hopefully looking forward to the day when I am no longer afraid of entering into a relationship, but happily living in one! Thank you for your kind words... you've made my WEEK!