The post-divorce landscape has been covered in rocks and rough terrain, but lately the path has gotten much smoother. Time and space can give us clarity if we allow ourselves to properly heal.
One of the hardest things to do after a marriage ends is to date effectively. I know that I'm the rule, not the exception when it comes to this. In the beginning, I'd let anyone who showed even a measure of care for me into my life right away. You can imagine the hurt this caused. Time and time again, I would look past red flags and keep charging down the path with no thought to my own well-being.
Luckily, in January of this year, I reached a breaking point. It was painful, but healing. Not in the I "know" this to be true kind of way, but to DEEPLY know truth in a sincere way.
As a result, I've accepted dates much less. I know precisely what I'm looking for. I also know what I will not tolerate or "settle" for. It is a long list, to be sure, but I can remember vividly the first time I fell in love and how wonderfully I was surprised that this person did exist. The keeper of my heart. This time, I'll accept nothing less. I've watched him settle for what he stumbled upon, and he's miserable as a result. Simply enduring the trap he set for himself.
I've gotten good at respectfully breaking up with people who don't fit into my life the way I hope, and that was a difficult skill to learn. For anyone who has to break up with someone, I would hope that you would consider their feelings, but be honest with them. Give them the tools to move forward and overcome the things that held them back in the relationship, with a spirit of kindness. If you can't say it kindly, then by all means, omit it. By all means, make sure that you're *sure* about any choices you make romantically before you make them so that there is no confusion or mixed signals. Clean breaks are hard to come by, but I always hope that we can part having learned from each other and with respect for each other.
Have you had to walk away from something you knew wasn't right for you? What were some things that made that process a smoother one for you?
Showing posts with label How do you do it?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label How do you do it?. Show all posts
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Words To Live By
Single mothers live a very different "family life" than a traditional two-parent home.
I have a dear friend who recently had her husband leave for a month to train for a sport, and this was the longest time they'd ever spent apart. Because I spent up to a year apart from my husband during our marriage and survived (and that I've been doing the parenting job solo going on 5 years), she sought me out for advice and help on how to cope with caring for her two boys and effectively manage her schedule. This got me thinking that my list may be helpful to other single mothers in need of direction as well.
1. Do not expect perfection! We can only do what we can, and being frustrated or depressed that we are not able to keep everything in perfect order is only going to set us back further. Focus on the tasks at hand, and check them off one-by-one. How do you climb a mountain? ONE step at a time.
2. Form an excellent support system, most importantly by being a reliable, caring friend FIRST! Single mothers often need favors from friends, but don't become the person constantly asking and never giving. Whatever your strengths are.... doing a friend's makeup or hair for a big night out, cooking when they're sick and dropping off meals during trials, watching others' kids in exchange, helping a friend learn how to coupon or craft, hosting a girls' night at your house with movies and popcorn.... be creative in building close friendships that are more than just a Facebook "like" relationship. You know what I'm saying. :)
3. Create systems in your home to make your life easier. Lay out the kids' clothes the night before so there is no fight in the morning. Have a boot bench by the door to house shoes upon entry to your home to reduce on the need to clean your carpets every thirty seconds and to keep from playing the "let's find the shoes" game. Put together freezer meals for busy nights (@Pinterest has great ideas!).
4. When it comes to kids' clothes and supplies, re-sell them! Don't waste your hard-earned money. Give each item a good wash and spot treat, and sell at either a good consignment store or at a consignment event like Just Between Friends sales. This will enable you to get more of what your kids need in their current sizes. Time is money if you manage it wisely.
5. Encourage independence in your children. Have them take tasks into their own hands at appropriate ages. It takes a great deal of time to train them, but the time you save in the long-run will far outweigh the time to teach them!
6. Care for yourself emotionally. Watch girly movies. Engage in your passion, whether it be a craft, cooking, hiking, swimming.... anything to get you out of the routine of daily life and makes you smile. Make a list of the things you really enjoy and put it on your bedroom door or somewhere else you'll see it.
7. FIND AN EXCELLENT BABYSITTER! Babysitters mean FREEDOM! I have six on speed-dial so I always know I can find someone in a pinch. Of course, make sure they are CPR and first aid certified in case of emergencies, and always request reference letters.
8. Take a shower EVERY morning... even on your lazy days. Nothing gets your engine running faster than clean skin and bouncy hair! You may want to skip this when you're feeling tired and overwhelmed, but this will be the fastest ticket to a lack of productivity and poor self-image.
9. When you're feeling down, clean! Turn the music up and pick a small spot in your house to conquer. Before you know it, you'll start feeling better and more in control of what is going on in your life, even if the cleaning doesn't solve the problem you're facing... it'll still look pretty and make you smile!
10. When all else fails and the world is closing in around you, love on your kids. Look them right in the eye and talk to them. Tell them how much they mean to you and then if they're little enough, snuggle them until they say they want to be left alone. :) The power of touch and connecting to those precious little ones can help to re-focus you on what is important.
God knows where you are and what you are capable of. He is never surprised by your circumstances, choices or desires. Although these different ideas/actions help a little, the most powerful thing to change the way you feel and the way you live is to be in perpetual communication with the person who loves you most, through honest, open prayer.
If you've ever wondered how to pray, it is simply having a conversation with God as if he were sitting right with you. I pray while I'm driving, cleaning, even during some conversations! Just like when you read a book "to yourself", no one even has to know what you're saying or that you're praying at all. Keep those lines of communication strong and it will serve you well in all aspects of your life!
I have a dear friend who recently had her husband leave for a month to train for a sport, and this was the longest time they'd ever spent apart. Because I spent up to a year apart from my husband during our marriage and survived (and that I've been doing the parenting job solo going on 5 years), she sought me out for advice and help on how to cope with caring for her two boys and effectively manage her schedule. This got me thinking that my list may be helpful to other single mothers in need of direction as well.
1. Do not expect perfection! We can only do what we can, and being frustrated or depressed that we are not able to keep everything in perfect order is only going to set us back further. Focus on the tasks at hand, and check them off one-by-one. How do you climb a mountain? ONE step at a time.
2. Form an excellent support system, most importantly by being a reliable, caring friend FIRST! Single mothers often need favors from friends, but don't become the person constantly asking and never giving. Whatever your strengths are.... doing a friend's makeup or hair for a big night out, cooking when they're sick and dropping off meals during trials, watching others' kids in exchange, helping a friend learn how to coupon or craft, hosting a girls' night at your house with movies and popcorn.... be creative in building close friendships that are more than just a Facebook "like" relationship. You know what I'm saying. :)
3. Create systems in your home to make your life easier. Lay out the kids' clothes the night before so there is no fight in the morning. Have a boot bench by the door to house shoes upon entry to your home to reduce on the need to clean your carpets every thirty seconds and to keep from playing the "let's find the shoes" game. Put together freezer meals for busy nights (@Pinterest has great ideas!).
4. When it comes to kids' clothes and supplies, re-sell them! Don't waste your hard-earned money. Give each item a good wash and spot treat, and sell at either a good consignment store or at a consignment event like Just Between Friends sales. This will enable you to get more of what your kids need in their current sizes. Time is money if you manage it wisely.
5. Encourage independence in your children. Have them take tasks into their own hands at appropriate ages. It takes a great deal of time to train them, but the time you save in the long-run will far outweigh the time to teach them!
6. Care for yourself emotionally. Watch girly movies. Engage in your passion, whether it be a craft, cooking, hiking, swimming.... anything to get you out of the routine of daily life and makes you smile. Make a list of the things you really enjoy and put it on your bedroom door or somewhere else you'll see it.
7. FIND AN EXCELLENT BABYSITTER! Babysitters mean FREEDOM! I have six on speed-dial so I always know I can find someone in a pinch. Of course, make sure they are CPR and first aid certified in case of emergencies, and always request reference letters.
8. Take a shower EVERY morning... even on your lazy days. Nothing gets your engine running faster than clean skin and bouncy hair! You may want to skip this when you're feeling tired and overwhelmed, but this will be the fastest ticket to a lack of productivity and poor self-image.
9. When you're feeling down, clean! Turn the music up and pick a small spot in your house to conquer. Before you know it, you'll start feeling better and more in control of what is going on in your life, even if the cleaning doesn't solve the problem you're facing... it'll still look pretty and make you smile!
10. When all else fails and the world is closing in around you, love on your kids. Look them right in the eye and talk to them. Tell them how much they mean to you and then if they're little enough, snuggle them until they say they want to be left alone. :) The power of touch and connecting to those precious little ones can help to re-focus you on what is important.
God knows where you are and what you are capable of. He is never surprised by your circumstances, choices or desires. Although these different ideas/actions help a little, the most powerful thing to change the way you feel and the way you live is to be in perpetual communication with the person who loves you most, through honest, open prayer.
If you've ever wondered how to pray, it is simply having a conversation with God as if he were sitting right with you. I pray while I'm driving, cleaning, even during some conversations! Just like when you read a book "to yourself", no one even has to know what you're saying or that you're praying at all. Keep those lines of communication strong and it will serve you well in all aspects of your life!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
A poem for you...
Letting Go Takes Love
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
andTo let go and to let God, is to find peace !Remember: The time to love is short ------ author unknown
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
andTo let go and to let God, is to find peace !Remember: The time to love is short ------ author unknown
Friday, December 10, 2010
Right when you need it.
As a child, I often wondered about prayer, and what its purpose was.
I'd pray for a pony for my birthday, and get disappointed when it didn't show up.
Then, I'd pray that my Grandma didn't pass away because of cancer, and I'd feel sad at her funeral, thinking God didn't like me enough or think me worthy to answer my prayer.
So, for years, I sought out the answers I had deep in my heart about the intention God had in directing us to pray.
I'm grateful that God did answer my question, and now I don't just pray on occasion when I need an extra "boost", I pray all the time. While I'm driving, as I make dinner, when I'm doing yard work, whenever the thought of needing a "talk" with God comes to mind. I've found more peace in this now than I ever have.
When I realized WHY I was praying, it made the action so much more effective and inspiring. I feel that God wants us to know His purposes for our life, give our hearts emotional strength, and give us hope in the eternal that will produce peace and joy in our spirit. Though He reminded us that we *will* have trouble in our lives ("I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33), and promised us that He has given us the tools (prayer and the Bible) to rise above the certainly painful, difficult circumstances we live in on a daily basis.
When I start to feel angry, I pray that He will quiet my spirit and encourage either forgiveness or understanding that will cause me to let it go.
When I want so desperately for someone to be spared death or pain, I pray about it in this way- "God, I love this friend so much, and I want them to be safe and protected. But, if it is your will for them to pass from this earth or endure pain, I know that you will use it to further your plans for their benefit and not to harm them. I also pray that your spirit of comfort will be upon them and those who love them to support them through this difficult time."
When I feel I want aWii for Christmas (LOL), I pray that God would remove the desire for frivolous things and help me to focus more on His purposes and bringing joy to others. ;)
For me, prayer gives me the right attitude and outlook right when I need it.
What do you feel is the purpose of prayer? Meditation? Reflection?
I'd pray for a pony for my birthday, and get disappointed when it didn't show up.
Then, I'd pray that my Grandma didn't pass away because of cancer, and I'd feel sad at her funeral, thinking God didn't like me enough or think me worthy to answer my prayer.
So, for years, I sought out the answers I had deep in my heart about the intention God had in directing us to pray.
I'm grateful that God did answer my question, and now I don't just pray on occasion when I need an extra "boost", I pray all the time. While I'm driving, as I make dinner, when I'm doing yard work, whenever the thought of needing a "talk" with God comes to mind. I've found more peace in this now than I ever have.
When I realized WHY I was praying, it made the action so much more effective and inspiring. I feel that God wants us to know His purposes for our life, give our hearts emotional strength, and give us hope in the eternal that will produce peace and joy in our spirit. Though He reminded us that we *will* have trouble in our lives ("I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33), and promised us that He has given us the tools (prayer and the Bible) to rise above the certainly painful, difficult circumstances we live in on a daily basis.
When I start to feel angry, I pray that He will quiet my spirit and encourage either forgiveness or understanding that will cause me to let it go.
When I want so desperately for someone to be spared death or pain, I pray about it in this way- "God, I love this friend so much, and I want them to be safe and protected. But, if it is your will for them to pass from this earth or endure pain, I know that you will use it to further your plans for their benefit and not to harm them. I also pray that your spirit of comfort will be upon them and those who love them to support them through this difficult time."
When I feel I want a
For me, prayer gives me the right attitude and outlook right when I need it.
What do you feel is the purpose of prayer? Meditation? Reflection?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Love in many forms.
My former brother in law commented on my demeanor the other day, and it came as a total shock to me.
We had our kids play together, as we typically do, and his wife and I were chatting about the kids, life, everything. It is so wonderful to have a close relationship with this family I have come to love exponentially, both in spite of and because of my difficult relationship with my ex. They has had four kids under three in the last couple years, so we have similar "battles" at this point in our life. I just happen to handle them completely on my own. The boys were all playing together outside, and we were enjoying the little twin girls (yep, she had twins, too!) and the brand new little DARLING boy.
That's when the B.I.L. shocked me. "Erin, you seem SO happy lately. It's awesome."
He didn't ask me why, as I'm pretty sure he already knows the answer to that.
I took a bit of a double-take, mostly because he RARELY shares his candid thoughts. He's a reserved, cautious person when it comes to the "real" stuff, even though he's a joker to the core. This was how he felt, sincerely and simply.
I suppose THIS type of joy sneaks up on you and comes about when you're not looking. I mean, I realized that my life has taken a turn lately, but when I look back to what HE has seen, through HIS eyes, without the veneers, reasons, excuses for all the hurt... just the outward responses to the hurt... I found myself deeply encouraged.
I started to pray about this transformation, and what it means to be truly "happy".
The most lasting changes came when I least expected them. I think that was the true key - losing expectations about my circumstances. Expectations in life, love, day-to-day happenings, my children, my health, my housework, EVERYTHING. The biggest and most important thing on that list, though - were losing the expectations I had for God. Instead of resting in God's promises, I gave him a "To Do List".
When I really got down to the nuts and bolts of the situation, I realized that I felt like God owed me something.
When I married my husband, I envisioned a relationship for life, no matter what. Because I gave up so much to become a Christian, and because I made this covenant with my husband with God, I felt like He was the third part of the marriage. A guarantee. Then, when that fell apart, I felt it was God's job to return what I had lost. When that became impossible, I became angry, and even a little resentful and un-trusting. What had *I* done to deserve *this*?!?! I tried to sort out that question (unsuccessfully) for almost three years.
When I gradually let go of my death-grip focus on what I did wrong, or why I was in the circumstances I am in, I continue to experience a greater peace about the past and a lasting joy about my current circumstances, regardless of the challenges at hand, and with even more hope for a future of being quietly, patiently led by God.
Then, something miraculous began to happen. Over time, God revealed truth in my heart about the past.
1. I made the earthly covenant of marriage with my husband, BEFORE God. Not WITH Him. The relationship I have with God is unchanging and everlasting - we are given no guarantees that our human partners won't deceive, embarrass and leave us alone. It happens more often than not these days. It was not God's fault that he left the marriage.
2. I didn't *earn* the divorce, it was simply a result of sinful choices.
3. God doesn't owe me ANYTHING. He has already given me EVERYTHING!!! His love, His Word and his promise of eternal life are MORE than enough.
4. In spite of my challenges and burdens, He has taken care of and provided for my EVERY need. He has given me every TRUE desire of my heart without any strings attached. I can FEEL His love for me with every step I take. These realizations have produced a natural joy in me that oozes out of my pores EVERY day. HE is enough.
(For those of you still struggling with "romantic love", either with an ex, a current boyfriend who isn't what you hoped to find in a man, or with WISHING for one - remember this: Love has come from so many unexpected places. I feel like we under-value the love of ALL the people in our lives... those who TRULY care about us. Rather than chasing down a man, nurture your support system. Nurture your spirit. Then, when you feel that deep, lasting peace and joy AS YOU ARE, then open your eyes and see what opportunities arise.)
The most amazing kind of love, however, is the love we can expect ALL DAY EVERY DAY. God has PROMISED us this - and it's His love we can rely on when things get rough, AND when we're just going through the everyday motions of life, AND when we're jumping up and down with joy because of something amazing. We can share all of our thoughts with God, and build that lasting relationship, moment-to-moment, throughout our lives. When we seek love FIRST from the Father, everything else in our life just falls into place.
We had our kids play together, as we typically do, and his wife and I were chatting about the kids, life, everything. It is so wonderful to have a close relationship with this family I have come to love exponentially, both in spite of and because of my difficult relationship with my ex. They has had four kids under three in the last couple years, so we have similar "battles" at this point in our life. I just happen to handle them completely on my own. The boys were all playing together outside, and we were enjoying the little twin girls (yep, she had twins, too!) and the brand new little DARLING boy.
That's when the B.I.L. shocked me. "Erin, you seem SO happy lately. It's awesome."
He didn't ask me why, as I'm pretty sure he already knows the answer to that.
I took a bit of a double-take, mostly because he RARELY shares his candid thoughts. He's a reserved, cautious person when it comes to the "real" stuff, even though he's a joker to the core. This was how he felt, sincerely and simply.
I suppose THIS type of joy sneaks up on you and comes about when you're not looking. I mean, I realized that my life has taken a turn lately, but when I look back to what HE has seen, through HIS eyes, without the veneers, reasons, excuses for all the hurt... just the outward responses to the hurt... I found myself deeply encouraged.
I started to pray about this transformation, and what it means to be truly "happy".
The most lasting changes came when I least expected them. I think that was the true key - losing expectations about my circumstances. Expectations in life, love, day-to-day happenings, my children, my health, my housework, EVERYTHING. The biggest and most important thing on that list, though - were losing the expectations I had for God. Instead of resting in God's promises, I gave him a "To Do List".
When I really got down to the nuts and bolts of the situation, I realized that I felt like God owed me something.
When I married my husband, I envisioned a relationship for life, no matter what. Because I gave up so much to become a Christian, and because I made this covenant with my husband with God, I felt like He was the third part of the marriage. A guarantee. Then, when that fell apart, I felt it was God's job to return what I had lost. When that became impossible, I became angry, and even a little resentful and un-trusting. What had *I* done to deserve *this*?!?! I tried to sort out that question (unsuccessfully) for almost three years.
When I gradually let go of my death-grip focus on what I did wrong, or why I was in the circumstances I am in, I continue to experience a greater peace about the past and a lasting joy about my current circumstances, regardless of the challenges at hand, and with even more hope for a future of being quietly, patiently led by God.
Then, something miraculous began to happen. Over time, God revealed truth in my heart about the past.
1. I made the earthly covenant of marriage with my husband, BEFORE God. Not WITH Him. The relationship I have with God is unchanging and everlasting - we are given no guarantees that our human partners won't deceive, embarrass and leave us alone. It happens more often than not these days. It was not God's fault that he left the marriage.
2. I didn't *earn* the divorce, it was simply a result of sinful choices.
3. God doesn't owe me ANYTHING. He has already given me EVERYTHING!!! His love, His Word and his promise of eternal life are MORE than enough.
4. In spite of my challenges and burdens, He has taken care of and provided for my EVERY need. He has given me every TRUE desire of my heart without any strings attached. I can FEEL His love for me with every step I take. These realizations have produced a natural joy in me that oozes out of my pores EVERY day. HE is enough.
(For those of you still struggling with "romantic love", either with an ex, a current boyfriend who isn't what you hoped to find in a man, or with WISHING for one - remember this: Love has come from so many unexpected places. I feel like we under-value the love of ALL the people in our lives... those who TRULY care about us. Rather than chasing down a man, nurture your support system. Nurture your spirit. Then, when you feel that deep, lasting peace and joy AS YOU ARE, then open your eyes and see what opportunities arise.)
The most amazing kind of love, however, is the love we can expect ALL DAY EVERY DAY. God has PROMISED us this - and it's His love we can rely on when things get rough, AND when we're just going through the everyday motions of life, AND when we're jumping up and down with joy because of something amazing. We can share all of our thoughts with God, and build that lasting relationship, moment-to-moment, throughout our lives. When we seek love FIRST from the Father, everything else in our life just falls into place.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Hitting my stride.
I can scarcely believe the woman I've become today.
When I look back on the empty shell of a person I was nearly three years ago. On October 5th, 2007 I decided it was time to leave my husband (after he requested it on my birthday) while 8 months pregnant with the twins and a 14 month old toddler in tow, loaded up my SUV with only the most dire necessities and drove from Alabama back home to Idaho to have my babies in sanity and peace, hoping against hope that my husband would get himself together... and even as I hugged my husband goodbye, I sensed the finality. Something was about to change, and NEVER go back to the way it once was.
I lived in people's basements for nearly two years, totally dependent on the mercy of strangers before I had a home of my own (even though it's just a rental). Now, the home I was miraculously blessed with has become comfortably OUR HOME.... filled with pictures, momentos and a place for everything.
I am feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and strength while looking back on these memories.
For me, life began again in the fall. It has always been my favorite season, but now I'm able to recognize this time with even more joy and thankfulness than ever before. I was set free from a marriage that was becoming a daily pain beyond tolerance, where truth and goodness were locked away forever. Given a fresh start by God.
Today, I'm happy, fulfilled, driven, and STILL hopeful in finding love again. I find that the most significant victory of all. I had a lovely chat with my ex over the phone today (really!) about how the boys are doing, and felt a glowing sense of pride in how well they're maturing and growing up. And.... I've done it all myself, with God to guide me every step of the way. I didn't have a husband to lean on when times got tough. When all three were sick, with toxic things coming from all parts of their bodies, and I was so sick I could barely move, I made it work. When Will stopped eating when his dad visited, I was the one to talk him back into it. When the kids cry or ask difficult questions about why their Daddy "left them all alone", I talk to them. When they go up to random 20 something guys in the park and ask them to be their new Daddy, I'm the one to shoo them away and tell them that they already have a Father - a heavenly Father that loves them more than they can imagine. I prayed for strength every step of the way, and gave them the care (both physically and emotionally) that they needed.
I also have my career within my sights. I wonder why on earth I hadn't thought of teaching seriously before. I *know* this is what I was born to do. I received an unexpected email from my teacher regarding a paper I wrote - my very first "lesson reflection", and she said, "The content of this paper leads me to believe that you have a profound gift of empathy and understanding. These are valuable traits in the world of education. Both the mechanics and the content of this paper were outstanding. Congratulations on a job well done!" It was humbling. I never would have gotten such a sense of empathy and understanding had it not been for the journey God has taken me on, and it gave me a renewed appreciation for any suffering I had endured. If it helps me to understand and help the heart of a hurting child, it was all worth it.
For the last several months, I've seen the fruits of my years of labor beginning to truly pay off. Focusing on my children, finishing school, waiting for the man God has for me instead of doing what feels good at the moment, or even what I think is right.... it's all creating a whirlwind of blessings both in my heart and my life.
How blessed could you be if you made a few changes in the choices you're making right now? How grateful are you for your own suffering in this life? How amazing is this God we serve? These are all questions I seem to be asking myself often as of late. Prayerfully considering each step I take, one day at a time, and taking care of myself and my children before anyone else in my life has greatly increased my ability to do great things for our life and for others.
I absolutely love the feeling I'm getting while I am hitting my stride.
When I look back on the empty shell of a person I was nearly three years ago. On October 5th, 2007 I decided it was time to leave my husband (after he requested it on my birthday) while 8 months pregnant with the twins and a 14 month old toddler in tow, loaded up my SUV with only the most dire necessities and drove from Alabama back home to Idaho to have my babies in sanity and peace, hoping against hope that my husband would get himself together... and even as I hugged my husband goodbye, I sensed the finality. Something was about to change, and NEVER go back to the way it once was.
I lived in people's basements for nearly two years, totally dependent on the mercy of strangers before I had a home of my own (even though it's just a rental). Now, the home I was miraculously blessed with has become comfortably OUR HOME.... filled with pictures, momentos and a place for everything.
I am feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and strength while looking back on these memories.
For me, life began again in the fall. It has always been my favorite season, but now I'm able to recognize this time with even more joy and thankfulness than ever before. I was set free from a marriage that was becoming a daily pain beyond tolerance, where truth and goodness were locked away forever. Given a fresh start by God.
Today, I'm happy, fulfilled, driven, and STILL hopeful in finding love again. I find that the most significant victory of all. I had a lovely chat with my ex over the phone today (really!) about how the boys are doing, and felt a glowing sense of pride in how well they're maturing and growing up. And.... I've done it all myself, with God to guide me every step of the way. I didn't have a husband to lean on when times got tough. When all three were sick, with toxic things coming from all parts of their bodies, and I was so sick I could barely move, I made it work. When Will stopped eating when his dad visited, I was the one to talk him back into it. When the kids cry or ask difficult questions about why their Daddy "left them all alone", I talk to them. When they go up to random 20 something guys in the park and ask them to be their new Daddy, I'm the one to shoo them away and tell them that they already have a Father - a heavenly Father that loves them more than they can imagine. I prayed for strength every step of the way, and gave them the care (both physically and emotionally) that they needed.
I also have my career within my sights. I wonder why on earth I hadn't thought of teaching seriously before. I *know* this is what I was born to do. I received an unexpected email from my teacher regarding a paper I wrote - my very first "lesson reflection", and she said, "The content of this paper leads me to believe that you have a profound gift of empathy and understanding. These are valuable traits in the world of education. Both the mechanics and the content of this paper were outstanding. Congratulations on a job well done!" It was humbling. I never would have gotten such a sense of empathy and understanding had it not been for the journey God has taken me on, and it gave me a renewed appreciation for any suffering I had endured. If it helps me to understand and help the heart of a hurting child, it was all worth it.
For the last several months, I've seen the fruits of my years of labor beginning to truly pay off. Focusing on my children, finishing school, waiting for the man God has for me instead of doing what feels good at the moment, or even what I think is right.... it's all creating a whirlwind of blessings both in my heart and my life.
How blessed could you be if you made a few changes in the choices you're making right now? How grateful are you for your own suffering in this life? How amazing is this God we serve? These are all questions I seem to be asking myself often as of late. Prayerfully considering each step I take, one day at a time, and taking care of myself and my children before anyone else in my life has greatly increased my ability to do great things for our life and for others.
I absolutely love the feeling I'm getting while I am hitting my stride.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Finding my "center".
How many times in our lives do we as women "lose ourselves"? Because our hearts are so dramatically geared toward serving others and taking care of those we love, we are more prone to this pitfall. There comes a point where push comes to shove, and we *need* that inner-knowledge to make crucial life decisions... but will it be there when we need it most? Proverbs 2 discusses the importance of God's wisdom, and how we protect our hearts and lives with His word. "Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you." Proverbs 2:11
Leaving my home and my family for southeastern Louisiana (Fort Polk) in 2004, I never looked back. I wanted to be everything *he* needed me to be. From entertaining his friends, cooking breakfast lunch and dinner, creating romantic opportunities, even ironing his uniforms... I worked to make his life better with my every waking moment. I spent so much of my married life taking care of my husband and all his needs that I had a hard time even figuring out what I wanted when I came out of that marriage.
I can remember so vividly sitting at a restaurant, not even knowing what to order, because he normally ordered for me, and I cried. Love did strange things to me when it was with the wrong person. It was in that moment, staring at that menu, that I knew things had to change. Now I had three little hearts depending on me to be strong enough for them to make this transition work, and to figure out how to take care of ourselves.
In the two years to come, I would face challenges I had feared for my entire life. Things I never, ever wanted to happen... did. It was terrifying and invigorating at the same time, because with each challenge, I overcame it. I didn't do it perfectly, though.... there was a steep learning curve involved. Sometimes I wouldn't even leave the house for days on end, just strong enough to tend to the needs of my three tiny children, all in diapers and drinking bottles. Sterilize, fill, change, repeat.
It was during that time that I learned to take care of myself, and where my limits are both physically and emotionally.
The question I field most often from anyone who gets to know me is, "How do you do it?!?!"
There isn't any formula for success, per se, but there is a principle that helps me to stagger through the rough days and skip through the good ones. Finding clear boundaries and figuring out what little things I love that I can enjoy every day.
As far as boundaries go, it's all about finding who cares for and nurtures my spirit. People that I don't have to hide myself around. Feeling completely at ease. This also involves *strictly limiting* the time I have to spend around people who can be harmful, and to dating as well. I've only noticed the latter recently. I'm still figuring that one out, to be honest.
As far as the little things, for me, it's a cup of coffee with cream and sugar and flavored creamer (horrible for you, I know), a hot bath with candles, having dinner on my good china (and outside if possible), a square of Ghiradelli chocolate, cajun food, group hugs from my boys, reading, cleaning with my iPod at full blast, a big pot of tea and one of my favorite movies that I can watch over and over again, girls night at my house with my dearest friends (who have never made me feel like a threat just because I am single), a new pair of shoes, ironing my clothes to perfection, watching the trees and sky outside my living room window.... and so many others. I put this list on a note on my bedroom door for a time when I was having a really rough month, and it made all the difference. When bad things happen that I cannot change, I simply pick a couple things from the list and try to focus on them intently, trying not to let my mind wander.
I've had to find my "center". Through two years of trial and error, trying to figure out this 'single mom thing' on my own, I have slowly defined what works for me. How much time to allocate to dating? How much time should I spend at home alone with the kiddos? How much money can I spend on a gym membership? How much time should I spend on couponing? How many people should I keep in confidence? How many friends can I have over for playgroup? How many hobbies can I have? How many classes should I take? I've gradually found a happy medium, a "center".
My "secret weapon", though, is my friends. I have some pretty great friends, willing to sit and hear me cry about whatever mess I've gotten myself into and kindly shush me with their wisdom. When I really lose it, and can't see perspective, they put me in my place (gracefully) and tell me to remember God in the equation. Is there ANYTHING He doesn't see or understand? Human nature can't be relied on, but GOD can. No matter how unstable my life or my circumstances may be, God is not. He's my rock and my comforter.
What do you do that helps you to find your "center", single mom or not?
Leaving my home and my family for southeastern Louisiana (Fort Polk) in 2004, I never looked back. I wanted to be everything *he* needed me to be. From entertaining his friends, cooking breakfast lunch and dinner, creating romantic opportunities, even ironing his uniforms... I worked to make his life better with my every waking moment. I spent so much of my married life taking care of my husband and all his needs that I had a hard time even figuring out what I wanted when I came out of that marriage.
I can remember so vividly sitting at a restaurant, not even knowing what to order, because he normally ordered for me, and I cried. Love did strange things to me when it was with the wrong person. It was in that moment, staring at that menu, that I knew things had to change. Now I had three little hearts depending on me to be strong enough for them to make this transition work, and to figure out how to take care of ourselves.
In the two years to come, I would face challenges I had feared for my entire life. Things I never, ever wanted to happen... did. It was terrifying and invigorating at the same time, because with each challenge, I overcame it. I didn't do it perfectly, though.... there was a steep learning curve involved. Sometimes I wouldn't even leave the house for days on end, just strong enough to tend to the needs of my three tiny children, all in diapers and drinking bottles. Sterilize, fill, change, repeat.
It was during that time that I learned to take care of myself, and where my limits are both physically and emotionally.
The question I field most often from anyone who gets to know me is, "How do you do it?!?!"
There isn't any formula for success, per se, but there is a principle that helps me to stagger through the rough days and skip through the good ones. Finding clear boundaries and figuring out what little things I love that I can enjoy every day.
As far as boundaries go, it's all about finding who cares for and nurtures my spirit. People that I don't have to hide myself around. Feeling completely at ease. This also involves *strictly limiting* the time I have to spend around people who can be harmful, and to dating as well. I've only noticed the latter recently. I'm still figuring that one out, to be honest.
As far as the little things, for me, it's a cup of coffee with cream and sugar and flavored creamer (horrible for you, I know), a hot bath with candles, having dinner on my good china (and outside if possible), a square of Ghiradelli chocolate, cajun food, group hugs from my boys, reading, cleaning with my iPod at full blast, a big pot of tea and one of my favorite movies that I can watch over and over again, girls night at my house with my dearest friends (who have never made me feel like a threat just because I am single), a new pair of shoes, ironing my clothes to perfection, watching the trees and sky outside my living room window.... and so many others. I put this list on a note on my bedroom door for a time when I was having a really rough month, and it made all the difference. When bad things happen that I cannot change, I simply pick a couple things from the list and try to focus on them intently, trying not to let my mind wander.
I've had to find my "center". Through two years of trial and error, trying to figure out this 'single mom thing' on my own, I have slowly defined what works for me. How much time to allocate to dating? How much time should I spend at home alone with the kiddos? How much money can I spend on a gym membership? How much time should I spend on couponing? How many people should I keep in confidence? How many friends can I have over for playgroup? How many hobbies can I have? How many classes should I take? I've gradually found a happy medium, a "center".
My "secret weapon", though, is my friends. I have some pretty great friends, willing to sit and hear me cry about whatever mess I've gotten myself into and kindly shush me with their wisdom. When I really lose it, and can't see perspective, they put me in my place (gracefully) and tell me to remember God in the equation. Is there ANYTHING He doesn't see or understand? Human nature can't be relied on, but GOD can. No matter how unstable my life or my circumstances may be, God is not. He's my rock and my comforter.
What do you do that helps you to find your "center", single mom or not?
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