Life's "Little" Surprises

I was inspired by something I read this morning. It was all about the surprise of a mom having twins... and it made me reminisce about some surprises that changed my life.

Surprise #1- I grew up in Southern California, and lived in the same house for 8 years. My whole family lived nearby, my mother taught at the school I attended, and we enjoyed being able to frequent Disneyland on a weekly basis. When I was 9, my Dad and Mom told us that we'd be moving. To IDAHO. I freaked out. I was going to lose all of my friends, my home, and my grandmother, who was currently battling cancer. One year after we moved, she lost her fight.

Blessing in disguise : Idaho was an incredible place to grow up. It humbled me in ways that I can't describe. I was able to live out a childhood dream. I have a garden, chickens and a house in the big woods. :) Although it was hard being away from my grandmother, I feel it may have been a blessing in disguise. Experiencing her daily deterioration may have been too much for me... I often wonder if God was in fact protecting me as a young girl. I was blessed by spending her last week with her, and being able to say goodbye the day before she died on Easter. It was a precious memory that lingers with me every time I think of her.

Surprise #2 - My husband deployed 5 days before our scheduled wedding. He joined the Army and was chosen to be a part of a non-deployable training unit in Louisiana, and three months after his arrival, they deployed for the first time since WWII with only 60 days notice. I found out on the day of my bridal shower! I lost out on all of my wedding deposits and we chose to be married by a justice of the peace in a hurry before he left.

Blessing in disguise: That was the first time I really learned to trust God above all else! I collapsed, cried and prayed like I've never prayed before. My adopted Mom took me into her arms and prayed with me right there. It was one of those moments you never, ever forget! It was a great indoctrination into the life of a military wife, that's for sure!

Surprise #3 - Finding out about my 2nd pregnancy, and then three days later finding out about my husband's infidelity. I was caring for him during an illness, and a picture of him kissing another woman popped up on his phone next to the nightstand. I collapsed, cried and became instantly sick myself.

Blessing in disguise: It gave me so much preparation for the journey I had ahead of me. I thought it was scary then, but what lay ahead paled in comparison to that moment! God was breaking it to me gently. I made a commitment to Him and working to fix my marriage. We went to counseling, talked things out we hadn't done in years, and began to heal. Unfortunately (at that point), it was too little, too late. I was blissfully unaware for a long time about the hurt my husband was experiencing from the war.

Surprise #4 - TWINS!

I can so vividly remember seeing this image on the screen. I thought for SURE this pregnancy was different because it was a GIRL..... but God had other surprises up his sleeve. When I saw the screen, it was a mess of limbs.  I instantly panicked. I thought my baby was deformed, and I lay paralyzed with fear. I dared not speak for fear what she'd say. I finally mustered the strength to speak, and I asked the technician if the baby was a boy or girl. She said, "Which one?" I wept. I had been afraid about the state of my marriage and how I was going to cope while he was deployed, not even knowing about the impending divorce. I worried about EVERYTHING.... whether or not they would be "cheaters" someday to how I was going to physically deliver these guys after the difficult delivery I had of my oldest son and almost lost my life. Just 4 weeks after I found out that I was having twins, it was my 22nd birthday. My husband told me he was tired of living a lie and that he didn't love me anymore when we drove to Panama City, FL for my birthday dinner. It was devastating.

Blessing in disguise: If it hadn't been for the twins being born, I would have stayed and endured the continued abuse and secrecy, and divorce would have been in the cards eventually, anyway, with the continuing womanizing. Nothing helped me survive the pain of my divorce more than taking care of these two precious little angels. They are the absolute highlight of my life so far. ALL THREE!!!! I would never have coped as well as I did unless I had stayed so busy caring for them. Not a single surprise in my life has blessed me MORE than having twins. They make my heart grow exponentially every day.

Those are just a few of the "biggies", but I hope that it encourages you to remember that God ALWAYS has a plan - even (and especially) in the difficult times!

Easier?!?

I was talking to a close friend of mine who had a 3 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old and then triplets, and asked her when life with multiples would get easier.

"Oh, at 3. 3 is definitely easier."

The other day, I went over to her house asking her if indeed she was mistaken, because I'm telling you.... three is NOT easier. She acquiesced that it's actually 5. I laughed in response - likely when they're 5 I'll go to her and she'll say 7.

I've decided, parenting never gets "easier". It just changes.

When the twins were little, I can vividly remember wondering how I would even make it through the day. From having to sanitize bottles, to enduring screaming for no apparent reason, to constantly disrupted sleep, I thought I'd seen the worst parenting had to offer. Of course, the incredible love I felt for these precious children outweighed any difficulty, but I did have my moments questioning my abilities as a mother.

But, as they get older, I've noticed that life with children only gets busier and more complicated! The little blessings given to me by God are now growing into little people, with very lively personalities and energy that shames any electric power plant. I find myself running, running, running after three little busy Tazmanian devils wooooooshing their way through my house and yard, disrupting everything in their path, and at the end of the day there is very little energy left to accomplish tasks *I* want to finish.

It's what I call "survival mode".

Everyone always says, "Ah, childhood. It goes by so fast! Don't blink, or you'll miss the most cherished years of your child's life." I believe them. Some Fridays I wonder where the week went! Although school, house cleaning, social and work obligations pull on me from every different direction, I refuse to let my own comfort affect the time I spend with my children.

I still pause with them to smell one of the fantastic roses from the garden, pick strawberries, play with trucks in the sand, and even challenge them to a game (or two) of Mario Kart. I want my children to know me. To cherish our relationship. To be able someday to come to me with their troubles and feel safe enough to talk them out.

Yesterday I had a little victory with Will. He hit his brother in an argument over an Ironman mask, and I sent him to time out for 5 minutes for the action, explaining again the importance of keeping our hands to ourselves after an argument. About halfway through his punishment, he said, "Mommy, I still love you even when I'm on time out."

Sigh. He understands.

It will be challenging, painful and even soul-wrenching at times, but I'm so grateful that God saw me fit to be a mother to these sweet boys, even if it is all by myself.

My Marathon Journey

Have you ever done something that didn't make any sense at all, but gave you a new perspective and energized you with joy?

A couple of months ago, I got the crazy idea that I'd like to run a marathon. This began a new chapter in my life and how I define motherhood.

The idea began brewing just as I'd completely given up on keeping up my appearance and weight. I'd dated 20+ guys since the divorce, hadn't found anyone worth spending time with who would also accept my sons, and felt like any effort I put forth in my fitness was for nothing. I wasn't finding "Mr. Right", so going to the gym wasn't necessary, right?

I put on about 20 extra pounds after two challenges I set before myself this summer. One was to bake a loaf a bread a day for a month, and the other was to make a pie a week for two months. No wonder. :)

Around February, I felt pretty depressed and tired all the time. I prayed about a solution, and it came almost immediately.

The weight had to come off, and fitness had to be my priority - but this time, not for a guy.... for myself. When my mother completed her 6th marathon, I decided to jump on that bandwagon and surprise her for Mother's Day with my registration for a 26.2 miler, just like her. I began researching training methods immediately, got a Nike+ chip for my iPod to calculate my distances and record my workouts, and started running 20 miles per week, every week.

Naturally, being the bundle of excitement that I am, I broke the news to her about a month early. We went shopping for running shoes that very day. It gave me an opportunity to bond with her in a way that I haven't been able to do in years.

We both ran Bloomsday, a local 7.5 mile course, and I met my goal time of 1:37 minutes, 3 minutes under the time I'd set for myself. I've officially caught the running bug!

 Now that I'm just two weeks away from the big event, the pinnacle of my training is this week before I taper off. All I want to do is complete it. I don't have any lofty goals about keeping a 10 minute per mile pace, or even of breaking 6 hours. I just want to finish in one piece. I want to show my sons that no matter what your circumstances, you can achieve your goals and finish the race you've undertaken. I want to be fit and healthy, and have a hobby that is free (save the running shoes).

So, who am I running for? My sons. I want to be the kind of mother that they can truly be proud of, and that can keep up with them. Wish me luck! It's crunch time.


"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:10

Holidaze

I've noticed two things on Facebook lately:

Some people really HATE Valentine's Day.

Some people really LOVE Valentine's Day.

What do these two people have in common? They value love. If the holiday were just a "love" day and not a "show off to the rest of the world by buying something expensive for your significant other or you'll feel like a loser (especially if you're single) day", it would be a completely different news feed. Can you imagine it?

"May God bless you and may you feel the depth of His love," or "I LOVE my FRIENDS! Happy Valentine's Day!"

So many holidays are isolating experiences for those who either do not share the faith, have lost family members (or their entire family), are enduring financial hardships, or are single. This doesn't mean we can't each find a way to make every holiday meaningful to US, individually.

I have been single for three Valentine's Days post-divorce, and the first two were awful. Not only does the day co-incide with our anniversary, AND a day of "love", AND the day I found out my spouse was cheating and using my credit card for a weekend away with his lover, AND the day I found out about their baby on the way, but the sincere outward displays of love from others to each other were difficult to endure with the wrong mindset.

No one owes me anything. I'm not entitled to have a romantic relationship, it's a treasure. It is not a common finding to have true, real romantic love. I'd rather be alone and an excellent mother to my boys than be in a relationship that is not of God's architecture. When I pray for my heart rather than wallow in the hurt of loneliness, joy finds its way in. Despite my "past" with this holiday, God secures my future daily with a renewed sense of belonging to Him and his UNENDING love.

How awesome is that?

I went out with one of my oldest friends here in Idaho, Steve. We're both single and genuinely enjoy each other's company, and we had the most amazing weekend! I hosted a "singles" party at my house and made dinner for some dear friends, then on Monday we went out to a favorite Italian restauraunt with a big group and laughed all night.

I also did some special things with the boys - and made them little baskets of goodies to wake up to and share with their preschool class. Here's a photo I snapped of them before we left the house. They were my favorite Valentines!

Two years ago I'd never imagine how lovely this holiday could be, and all it took was a change of HEART. :)

Making Excuses vs. Making it Happen

Some people will just never learn. I've been this person, a lot.

You know who I'm talking about. Those "dreamers" you encounter who have a million ideas, but no direction and lack an action-packed day. They sit and look up at the sky, waiting for motivation. The perpetual bump-on-a-log, who simply comes up with schemes and never takes a single step toward the completion of their goal. You talk to them about what they want to do with their lives, and instead of listing accomplishments and explaining their direction, you ask questions and they use the word, "but" more than any other word in the conversation.

In the lovely dent on their couch, giving a "Whoop, whoop! You go, Oprah!", they never seem to really get out and experience anything of value when it comes to hard work.

True, sometimes that is all we CAN do. After a major traumatic event, when we question life as we know it, and have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning.

It is also true that sometimes all we know is what God does NOT want us to do, and we are forced to sit and wait for an answer for our direction. These times our heart grows in patience and love for God, if we focus on Him. It eventually increases our strength and faith for when we need it most, the period in which God has us working tirelessly toward some end.


I have the utmost respect for the "doers" (as the Home Depot puts it) in our world. Regardless of circumstance or difficulty, they analyze their situation, do what they can, and put one foot in front of the other.

This is the main difference between those that make it happen, rather than making excuses. Taking life one step at a time, and for the believer, doing exactly what God lays on our hearts.

The immeasurable joy that comes from following the path that God lays out for us is surprising. Especially when we follow his long-term plans. Day by day, minute by minute, our heart grows and expands. It is more able to handle hardship, disappointment and pain. It is also more responsive to beauty, goodness and joy - in exponential bounds.

Lately I've been reflecting on my path thus far, and the accomplishments I've managed to eek out, and I'm thankful. I am far from perfect, and will be growing and changing until the day I die, but I am content in watching God's work in my life and the lives of those around me, waiting on His answers and quietly listening for His direction when it is given.

As I've been saying over and over again in my heart lately, "God, you totally rock."

Now, although I still don't accomplish this every day, I set my sights on a simple goal - to just put one foot in front of the other to make my God-given goals happen, one day at a time. :)

Changing outlook.

I am at the point where I can scarcely recognize my own life.

Why, do you ask?

Because I'm so gosh darn happy all the time.

There was a time in the not so distant past that I couldn't seem to peer through the fog threatening to swallow up my day, struggling to find meaning and most especially - HAPPY through its vapor.

I find myself waking up with a whole new energy, zest and strength that I never knew I had in me. I was told over and over again during my divorce, "time heals all wounds". At the time, I couldn't fathom EVER being without that hideous ache in my chest, gripping me so tightly I could scarcely breathe. I CERTAINLY didn't think I would ever feel real JOY on a more regular basis, and would have thought anyone was truly insane if they told me I could be happy for whole days at a time.

Yet, here I am. So happy I could yell from rooftops.

"I've made it! I've conquered the ache!"

I've found an unshakable sense of who I am. I know, deep down, what I am here to accomplish. I know my favorite foods. I know my favorite songs. I *value* myself, my time and my heart. I have short and long-term goals that I am adding to my ACCOMPLISHED(!) list. I surround myself with pictures of happy memories with cherished friends and ticket stubs from events I'd only dreamed of attending. I've saved carefully and budgeted even more carefully to continue to make strides both personally and professionally.

The thing that I'm proudest of, and most thankful for - is that God never gave up on me. Even when I was at my weakest moments, questioning His very existence, I was brought jarringly to my knees and reminded of His power. I've been in tears of joy for the relationship God has brought me to understand more times than I can count.

This year so far, I've lost friends, been sick, been betrayed, laughed at, humiliated and targeted... but after being through more significant trials, I've learned to be patient and wait on the Lord.

A dear friend passed this on to me recently, and it's at the top of my cork-board in my office to remind me daily of the task given to me - to pray and wait on the Lord, as I have been, and to continue to see his spiritual blessings given despite any and all circumstances.



"Wait"
By Russel Kelfer

by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."