Opting Out

Hiatus: a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.

In spite of its definition - a hiatus, being an interruption, can actually be a beginning of something great.

In just a little over two months, I haven't had a single date. Not one. I have dated a lot, trying to see what was out there, and I was finding it to be emotionally exhausting and frustrating. I felt like I was a better mother when I wasn't dating, and that my responsibilities were being carried out more efficiently when I was alone.

I prayed about this discrepancy, and why it was occurring, and I realized I needed to take even MORE time for myself than I was allotting. I prayed about what I wanted in my life, and where I felt like God is leading me. I found out several things.

1. I am happy. I truly am. Even though my past relationship with my ex did not work out, and I haven't found someone else, I am perfectly content as is. This is a powerful thing, because it will take a LOT more for me to want to change or adjust anything in my life for a relationship with someone else, and will be less likely to encourage me to be with someone who is wrong for me to fill that void.

2. I am excited about my future, and finally feel a sense of true purpose. I am not going to let any relationship get in the way of God's will for my education and career until I reach my goal (which is to complete my degree and student teaching).

3. My sons are thriving because of my choice to stay home with them. They care about each other, are loving toward me, and overall, very good little boys. I love to watch them explore their world and learn about their environment with me to guide them.

4. My faith is not only important to me, it's impossible for me to live a life without it as my primary focus. If a potential partner doesn't share those beliefs, from the get-go, it will never work.

In light of my time alone, and my new-found clarity, I accepted a date with someone for this Friday, when the ex will have the kids. He'll have them for the entire weekend, which will allow me to feel relaxed on the date, and not have to worry about rushing home to my babysitter who is enjoying her 10/hr. paycheck for my free time.

So, I'm looking forward to a night out with a new friend, but I'm going to remain cautious and careful, as always. We'll see if he passes "the test"!

Why Dating Sucks.

There have been times that I've really enjoyed dating, but lately I'm just totally spent. I give up. I have no energy left to deal with the sharp ups and downs of the process of "trying out" men.

This comes from a couple of different sources.

-My ex is coming to visit the boys, with his new wife and son, and that takes a LOT out of me.

-My 'adopted dad' had a brush with death, and I'm still praying for his recovery.

-My life is finally becoming what I'd hoped it could be, and I'm not sure I want to share the spoils of my hard work with anyone just yet.

-My breakup a month ago with the pilot made me re-evaluate where I want to be and how I intend on getting there, with or without a man in my life.


So, I decided to make myself a list of all the reasons I don't like dating, because while I know I am not ready to jump back into the pool just yet, I may forget for a weak moment and agree to a date. :)

Let me know if you have something to add to the list, I'd like some inspiration (and so would the other jilted ladies out there!).

THE LIST

10. Trying to 'put on a show' for a man, playing the 'games' of the dating world well, and arranging for babysitting can be emotionally exhausting.

9. Babysitting is expensive!

8. Actually having to shave your legs and primp yourself for hours is not easy to do when you barely have time to get your dishes and basic chores done.

7. You end up fielding all kinds of awkward questions from people when they find out about your date, or worse yet, after bumping into someone DURING your date.

6. Most men will not live up to our hopes, and end up doing something to make us feel badly.

5. The stress of waiting to see "if he'll call".

4. The stress of wondering if when he called meant something.

3. It can make us more critical of ourselves than we would be normally.

2. You spend time on someone who may not stick around.

1. Rejection hurts. The emotional fallout can last far beyond the next day, or even the next week, depending on the level of disappointment.


What do you have to add?

Fears

So, here I am... up late.... baking a cake for my big dinner date with the man tomorrow. Yep. Baking. Yep - dinner date. Here. We're making an incredibly detailed menu, thanks to our mutual love of gourmet cooking. My ever-famous salad, thanks to my dear friend and third Mom's amazing recipe (berries and spinach with a homemade poppyseed dressing), then seared scallops, asparagus and linguine with a lobster and crab cream sauce, garlic bread, and then my Hummingbird Cake (ala Paula Deen) that is out of the oven and cooling now, ready for the icing. It's going to be an epic meal.

Keep in mind, the man offered to do all the grocery shopping, and help with meal prep and cleanup. I felt like I wanted to cry when he suggested this (Emotions: 1 Erin: 0) simply because he is the first person to have ever suggested such a sweet gesture to me. Even the SHOPPING? Just hand you a list, and like that - the groceries will appear?!?! I was floored.

That brings me to point number two.

This is scary. TERRIFYING even. Mainly because (I've just realized) I'm not convinced that I want to fall for anyone. This has been just over a month of dating, and I'm really scared. I can't shake it. I am at the point where I'm thinking about him when I'm going about my day, still getting called/texted multiple times daily, I get weak in the knees when he's around, and I'm shaking in my boots.

What is it about the female heart that makes us so stupid? Why can't I just relax and take it as it comes?

Yesterday, I was feeling the nerves, and of course, decided it was time to intentionally sabotage the relationship. I started completely wigging out on him. Poor guy didn't even see it coming.

"How was your day?"

"Well, don't even get me started! First...."

I totally let my crazy flag fly. I told him every little thing the kids did to bother me, and all the worries of my day and when he didn't react the way I wanted, I pulled the "insensitive" card on him, and pouted. (Emotions: 2 Erin: 0)

Yep. Real grown up... right here.

I even started crying when he gave me a little constructive criticism about my reaction to what he said. Talk about a real knee-jerk-push-that-girl-back-into-the-dating-pool opportunity. (Emotions: 3 Erin: 0)

Instead of running, as I suggested he do - he stuck around. I told him I had to get off the phone, and he respected my space. Two minutes go by, and I am still staring at the phone like a psychopath expecting him to do something. I don't know what, but hoping it would be something to make me feel better after making a total, utter fool of myself. (Emotions: 4 Erin: 0)

That's when I get this text:

*******HUG**********

He got it. I didn't even know what I wanted, but if he would have been there, at that moment, that's what he would have done. And, for me, that's always the right answer. (Emotions: 5 Erin: 1)

So, here I am, having time to myself to think about what is happening, and looking forward to tomorrow with an open mind, and an open heart.

These things just have to happen naturally, and if I'll only let my guard down, I may be surprised - with a smile on my face.

The new guy...

I find myself nearing foreign territory right now. I'm beginning to enter boyfriend-land. There were times I never, ever thought this would happen. Those days are over. I can now see that it is indeed possible for someone to care about me, and want to be a father to my boys. How did this happen, you ask?

I wandered on to a dating website, saw his profile and chatted up this wonderful guy for a couple of months off and on. He was the last person I had contact with from this site. I had completely given up. I was discouraged with men in general after a couple of bad dates, and decided to lay low for awhile. I kept in contact with him, but less frequently, as I was debating giving up the whole dating game for the 100th time.

One in particular was a really bad first-and-only blind date, that seemed to go incredibly well, but ended awkwardly. The "Backstreet Boy" and I hit it off, had great conversation and laughed a lot during our coffee date. We had agreed to see each other again, and later after avoiding me both from my two text messages and bumping into me in person, he ended up backing out because it "didn't feel right". Cue depressing score.

Then, after a characteristic optimistic spell, I decide to go ahead and try one more time to jump in the dating shark tank.

We go on our first date, and I am immediately surprised by how friendly, sincere, respectful and -normal- he seems. No staring at my chest, no awkward questions, no uncomfortable silence. I'm also surprisingly attracted to him. For most of the date, I was imagining kissing him while sitting across the table - which of course I didn't do. :) He made me laugh so much and asked intuitive questions, making me feel greatly at ease. After three and a half hours, the place was closing, so we had to leave (even though neither of us really wanted to). Immediately after walking out the door, he asks when he can see me again, and secures a day the next week just hours after he got back from a trip. I was floored! No having to play the "phone game"!!! (I HATE THAT GAME. EVERYONE DOES!) When will he call? Oh, wait - he already did. :) On top of that, he kept in contact without being intrusive every day that he was away. When he had a minute to talk, he made sure to send me a note or shoot me a call. I couldn't stop smiling all week.

Then we went on date two, and date three, and I'm at the point where I am feeling more comfortable talking with him and getting to know him. So, it's been a couple of weeks, and one guy in particular has managed to somehow stick around. That very thought is such an encouragement. I had doubts that I would ever get to this point and not be a neurotic mess. He makes me feel calm and secure. I do have butterflies when I'm around him, but they don't cloud my judgement. He just slowly wins me over day by day (so far). It is so refreshing to have someone treat me with respect and care.

After these wonderful dates, I went back to where the Backstreet Boy worked, hoping against hope that I wouldn't run into him, but did. I avoided eye contact at all costs (soooo embarassing, but hey - I'm not going to stop shopping there just because he's not into me) and ended up in the middle of a nice little ego boosting scenario. One of the other guys who worked there sought me out and walked right up to me, with the kiddos in tow, and chatted me up just a few feet from B.B. Best part was, he was much hotter. I noticed B.B. unbroken stare out of the corner of my eye, and his eventual reaction.... and walked out without feeling dejected. I had finally conquered the dating beast (for now) instead of it getting the best of me.

So, if you don't see me around here for a couple days, it's because I'm off daydreaming or talking on the phone in my very limited free time. ;)

Because everyone needs a Greg.

So, I have this amazing friend.

And, it's not a girl.

And... he's not my boyfriend.

AAAANNNND......I've known him for ten years now (Wow, G - we're old!)

Annnnnd...is name is Greg.

(Hehe - I like, I like.)

Today, after one of our daily talks, I became convinced that every single woman needs a "Greg". And, I'm not saying MY Greg... because he's sort of taken at the moment. So, don't be lazy and find one of your own.

Why, you ask? I'll enlighten you.

First of all, he's known me since before I had kids. He remembers the "old" Erin, the carefree one before life slapped me around some. Just talking to him reminds me of what it was like to be the free-spirited, limitless, bubbly cheerleader that I was back then.

Secondly, he kind of digs me. And, I kind of dig him. But, it doesn't move past that, really. We're just mutually digg-able. He makes me feel really beautiful, and valued. Pretty cool.

Third, he makes me laugh more than almost anyone on the planet. We have the same sense of humor, and it's really quite absurd how we both are so comfortable with each other and are able to laugh so darn much.

Fourth - we're both in the "building" phase of our lives. Little successes that wouldn't matter to anyone else become cheer-worthy. And, that isn't because I was a cheerleader and he was the mascot. (I know you told me not to make you sound gay - so this is the disclaimer... HE WAS A VERY TOUGH, MANLY MASCOT. There.) He encourages me in whatever direction my heart takes me, and I give him a nudge or two in the direction he wants to go when he needs a boost.

Fifth - he lives a bazillion miles away. Nevada is FAR. You wonder, why is that a reason to have a "Greg"? Even if we did have feelings for each other, they wouldn't be able to really develop from such a distance. Hence, we can be friends with emotional benefits, and not be close enough to screw things up.

Sixth - He helps me fix things. He gives me "guy" advice, like how to fix my furnace. My Greg spent TWO HOURS on the phone with me while my whole house was freezing going through the manual from my furnace to try to troubleshoot the issues. He even calmed me down while I was freaking out about spiders in my hair, and squealing when I thought one got close, or nearly in tears because I couldn't identify the thingy that is attached to the round thingy that makes the spring thingy go wwwooooomp. It didn't get fixed, but that wasn't the point. He cared enough to help me out.

I know, I know. Some of you must be thinking.... DATE HIM!!!! Are you crazy?!?! NOTE: distance. NOTE: religious discrepancies. NOTE: still working on ourselves.

If you are single, and you feel alone in the world with no one to back you up the way someone of the opposite sex will... get a "Greg". You'll thank me.

Is three too many?

It happened. Again.

I went out on a great date with a guy on Saturday... great chemistry, laughed the whole time, even missed the movie because we were enjoying each other's company so much. We walked around downtown Spokane, enjoying the weather and the night. Right before we parted ways, he said he'd call me.

Then... the next day he suddenly decided that there was "no connection." He complimented me on everything under the sun, and said I'm a great mother and that my boys are lucky to have me, but he just didn't see a future there.

????????????

I'm reasonably attractive. I'm nice. I'm funny. I'm a good person. I care about myself. I work hard. I am honest. Direct. Caring. I'm not perfect, but I'm not a bag lady, either.

And I'm still single.

I am not wallowing... I'm just curious. What is it, exactly, that makes children so scary to guys? Why would they burn so hot, then turn so cold?

Again, I'm swearing off dating for awhile. I need to detox my head from all the rejection, and the frustration. I am going to take the opportunity to build myself up instead of tear myself apart about this. Finishing the office re-model, work on school, maybe even get my washer fixed and a new vacuum. I lead an exciting life.

Single Mothers Do It Better.

 Something new is happening this year. I've seemed to get my groove back.

Instead of sitting around waiting to be asked on a date, I've put myself out there. Tried. Failed. Tried again.  Struck up converstation at hardware stores, the market, the gym... anywhere I find myself kid-free for the moment. If things seem great, I offer them my card with my number, and ask for theirs in exchange if I feel REALLY good about how the conversation went, leaving one ball in my court.

I've met some great people, and I'm so glad that I'm finally losing the "I'm not good enough," or "no one will date a single mom" attitude. There are millions of us out there. Dating. Living. Moving on. It's a mindset. If you view yourself as less valuable than you are, that's how you will be treated. I refuse to accept that my love live is over. I am a good woman, with so much to offer, and my sons deserve a "real dad" that will be a part of their lives. They're pretty awesome, after all.

You may ask yourself, "Why are guys SO AFRAID of single mothers?"

Let's examine this.

Do we bite? Nooooooo.

Do we smell funny? Nooooo.

Are we one-eyed green ogres? Noooo.

What exactly is wrong with them? Why don't they see the many benefits we have as women, and as partners... aside from the fact that we have children?


The answer: They aren't. The right ones, anyway.

Some intelligent men actually realize that there is a PERSON behind the title "Mom", and that they make pretty amazing partners.

I've discovered that it's losing the fear of failure that enables success.


JUST ASK. What's the worst thing they can do... say "No?" I can guarantee they'll be flattered, even if they don't pick up on any of your advances.

So, instead of constantly looking at all my faults, all my "baggage" as some people call it, I am building myself up to a realistic view of myself. Just because I'm a single mother does NOT mean that I won't find someone amazing, who is a great match for me, a great partner, a great father. Instead of listening to heartbreak radio, I pick songs that are all about being fabulous and fun. I dance around the house getting my routine done, and am so energized when I'm done... I have a nice little bounce in my step. Looking at the plus side of what I've been through:

1.  I'll survive. When life throws its worst at me, I'll bend... but I won't break. Ever.

2. I'm a good mother. When it counts, I put my kids first. But, I've learned to take time for myself to keep "me" healthy.

3. I have learned the value of hard work and perseverance, and will work hard for what I really believe in.

4. I'm loyal. Even when my marriage was falling apart, I gave him every opportunity to make it work. No stone was left unturned. When things go badly, I'll do the right thing. I'll fight for truth, and for what is good.

5. I know how to run a household, and did so successfully. Breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table every day, laundry hung in color-coordinated order... the works.

6. I've seen marriage at its best, and its worst. I know what to look for and what I want. I won't string anyone along that isn't for me. I've seen what happens to a heart that is broken and I refuse to do that to anyone else.

So, I may not be a freewheeling single girl with no attachments or responsibilities, but if a good guy is looking for someone true and loyal, as well as a dedicated partner, I'll be there. In the meantime, I can wait patiently for the one that God has for me... if it's in the cards.

Choosing the right thing... harder than it looks.

I love being alone.

I like being able to choose whatever I want for dinner. I like to cuddle up in ugly pajamas and even uglier knee-socks to enjoy some hot cocoa and alone time before the kiddos wake up to watch the Today Show and giggle at Al Roker and his cheesy jokes in the morning. I enjoy the fact that no one bothers me if I want to work on a scrapbooking project on the dining room table. I love having my kiddos all to myself, and that I get to go on endless adventures with them every single day. Their innocence and curiosity keep my heart going on days I thought it wouldn't, simply because I am able to listen in the quiet moments of their day.

That being said...

I hate being alone.

I know, I'm a walking dichotomy. Maybe it's that I try to see the silver lining in every situation. It could be that I'm nuts. Or, it could be that I want to be ok with my circumstances, because I know it is best for my kids for the time being.

I hate going to bed without anyone to talk to about the day. I hate not having anything to look forward to except bed time. I hate not having another life to share vicariously and not having someone to support and encourage that speaks in full sentences. I even hate not having to pick up giant clothes off the bathroom floor.

There are few things in life that I hate more than being lonely. If I'm not helping someone, getting to know someone or laughing with someone, I feel empty. It goes completely against my nature.

That being said, I spend a lot of time alone lately.

Between caring for the kids (who make me VERY un-alone, but VERY stressed at times with such a demanding myriad of needs), school, keeping up a household by myself, and working on photo shoots and other projects... I feel pushed to my anti-social limit. Although I want to get out and date, I have to do so sparingly. Taking time away from the kids is virtually impossible at the moment. They're going in a million directions at once, and they cooperate much like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. Going into any situation as a team, they quickly detect weaknesses in their care providers and get into all kinds of trouble, making babysitters tougher to come by than if there were fewer (or even better behaved) children. At the moment, I'm not sure whether to give up entirely on the pursuit or to attempt yet another waste-of-time date. After so many men declaring their true intentions either by action or words, it all seems like a cruel joke. The only guys I can "count on" in my life are the little ones. My three saboteurs.

So, in the meantime, I choose alone-time. I'm on hiatus.

I am old and wise enough to know that this is just a season, and I am content with that. I've found wonderful ways to cope, and I'm learning more of them every day. Favorite of these strategies: always having a book in hand. It's amazing how much your heart can be contented by a good story and interesting dialogue. That, and having an overactive imagination can be more entertaining than real life.

What are your coping strategies for loneliness?

Life interrupted

Being a single mom is tough as it is, but dating is a battlefield. Guys either view you as an easy "target" or as a big mess that they don't want to take on, for the most part. They'll occasionally test the waters and see if they can handle it... but, they usually get scared off if you do the slightest thing to make them think you're really interested. So, even if you had an amazing time, you have NO IDEA what they're really thinking. They have a LOT more to weigh in their minds about you... "What kind of baggage does this chick have?", "Does she want me to be involved with her kids?", "If she's so wonderful why did her ex leave her with three kids in tow?".... the list goes on and on...

So - I went on another wonderful date a couple of weeks ago, and I had the most amazing time! He was funny, educated, interesting, and was a great dancer. This would be, without a doubt, the very best date I've been on since the divorce, and I laughed myself SICK. We had a lot in common, very similar interests and goals... and similar personalities. He asked about the kiddos. I felt really comfortable around another guy for the first time in years. We had known each other before, and I'm sure that helped, but he was that overall wonderful, accomodating, attentive guy that every girl looooves to date. I had needed a great night out, and especially to let loose and dance. It's my therapy, I am telling you! So, great.... right?!?!

I begin to feel like the chick in "He's Just Not That Into You"... and checking my phone every five minutes for a text or call. This reallllly irritates me, because I don't like this icky feeling. I haven't had it for a long time. He doesn't call, he just texts. But, he doesn't always text back. It's hit or miss. So, a couple weeks of mixed signals later I end up realizing that I can't handle this kind of drama. Even if he IS a great guy, that doesn't mean he's right for me on *all* of the levels I need him to be. I need a calming influence, not someone playing hard to get.... someone who understands my history and is willing to be there through all of the ups and downs that are likely to plague me in my life because of it. I mean, I do want to have fun, but I have more to consider than my own entertainment. I'm not looking for Mr. Right now, I'm looking for Mr. Right. PERIOD. I don't have time for anything else.
Now, I'm not in dreamland thinking some guy is going to race along and sweep me off my feet, so the truth isn't hard to accept. But, it doesn't change the fact my circumstances are painful. Although my ex had moved on long before we divorced, and he's now remarried with another baby, it's been VERY difficult for me to find someone that I trust enough to even think about seriously dating. Just when I thought I did a couple of times, the guys let their crazy out or something doesn't quite fit. I think, however, that finding the RIGHT guy is easier because we're FORCED to have to wait for someone who will accept all of us, the work and joy of our children included.

That is, as long as we're willing to wait.

I'm human. I make mistakes. I don't know all of the "rules" to the dating game.... but most importantly, I don't like the rules. I don't think there should be "three day waiting periods" or certain faux pas that will ruin a relationship... any mature man would be able to see past the errors in play and understand that what is underneath the nervous exterior is what is most valuable. A strong, loyal, kind woman with a heart bigger than her whole self.

I am truly willing to wait.

My dreamboat....

A guy like this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ3Xom5XAM4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Edailymomsense%2Eblogspot%2Ecom%2F&feature=player_embedded