When I first learned that I was about to become a mother, I never dreamed the crazy places my life would take me.
I wouldn't have thought I'd be in a town hit with a devastating tornado (Enterprise, AL) and narrowly miss being in the tornado's path, I never thought I'd become pregnant again less than a year after having my first child, I REALLY never thought that pregnancy would result in TWIN (!) BOYS (!) coming into my world, and I didn't dream that before their arrival I'd essentially become a single mother, and that after their arrival that it would become official before they turned a year old.
Most of all, I never planned on doing this motherhood thing alone.
Although that can seem really sad and depressing to some, I'm perfectly at peace with where God has me. When life throws us a curveball, and in this case, a REALLY curvy one, God is always trying to teach us something.
What have I learned?
Patience beyond understanding. Empathy at a whole new level. I've turned my "judgement" button off, no matter how serious a situation might seem. I've learned to value friendships and relationships with family with a reverence I've never before understood, especially with my former-in-laws. Endurance. Endurance. Endurance.
So, don't pity me. Celebrate our resilience as God's people with me. After all, it is our "signature move". True faith produces all of these things in us naturally, and when those blessings come, we can't help but celebrate with even more joy.
Showing posts with label Getting over it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Getting over it. Show all posts
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Praying for God-size solutions.
My church group meets once a week, and while they have wonderful things to report about their lives with increasing frequency, I seem to be still "just getting by" and trying to endure the hurts and disappointments that continue to blast both me and my children, and I find myself frequently asking for prayer to cope with each new challenge.
I'm blessed to have an old friend who has such an incredible heart for the Lord who asked me to join this group, and she has prayed for me every time with grace and sincerity. For the longest time, she has believed in me and lifted me up when I thought I had no value or worth. Her faith in my abilities and in the beauty of who God made me to be has been one of my greatest encouragements.
The other day, she gave me a call after a particularly difficult week, and listened to the latest struggle with my oldest boy's hurting heart as he begins to understand what happened to our family. Seeing my hurt children, complicated family dynamics, learning to be alone and raising a family, financial challenges... the list goes on and on. We always overcome, but we are war-weary.
Her solution was one that I completely ignored for a time, thinking myself unworthy or "blessed enough". She mentioned that she would be praying to "God-size solutions" and blessings to give me true joy after all of the heartbreak. A state of praise-filled waiting for all of the wonderful good things God is going to accomplish in our lives as a result of all of this difficulty and faithful obedience to His will for our lives. Hopeful patience. Joyful anticipation. These are where my heart and mind are focused now, and I know that is how my God wants me to live. Not just existing, but dancing.
I'm blessed to have an old friend who has such an incredible heart for the Lord who asked me to join this group, and she has prayed for me every time with grace and sincerity. For the longest time, she has believed in me and lifted me up when I thought I had no value or worth. Her faith in my abilities and in the beauty of who God made me to be has been one of my greatest encouragements.
The other day, she gave me a call after a particularly difficult week, and listened to the latest struggle with my oldest boy's hurting heart as he begins to understand what happened to our family. Seeing my hurt children, complicated family dynamics, learning to be alone and raising a family, financial challenges... the list goes on and on. We always overcome, but we are war-weary.
Her solution was one that I completely ignored for a time, thinking myself unworthy or "blessed enough". She mentioned that she would be praying to "God-size solutions" and blessings to give me true joy after all of the heartbreak. A state of praise-filled waiting for all of the wonderful good things God is going to accomplish in our lives as a result of all of this difficulty and faithful obedience to His will for our lives. Hopeful patience. Joyful anticipation. These are where my heart and mind are focused now, and I know that is how my God wants me to live. Not just existing, but dancing.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Words To Live By
Single mothers live a very different "family life" than a traditional two-parent home.
I have a dear friend who recently had her husband leave for a month to train for a sport, and this was the longest time they'd ever spent apart. Because I spent up to a year apart from my husband during our marriage and survived (and that I've been doing the parenting job solo going on 5 years), she sought me out for advice and help on how to cope with caring for her two boys and effectively manage her schedule. This got me thinking that my list may be helpful to other single mothers in need of direction as well.
1. Do not expect perfection! We can only do what we can, and being frustrated or depressed that we are not able to keep everything in perfect order is only going to set us back further. Focus on the tasks at hand, and check them off one-by-one. How do you climb a mountain? ONE step at a time.
2. Form an excellent support system, most importantly by being a reliable, caring friend FIRST! Single mothers often need favors from friends, but don't become the person constantly asking and never giving. Whatever your strengths are.... doing a friend's makeup or hair for a big night out, cooking when they're sick and dropping off meals during trials, watching others' kids in exchange, helping a friend learn how to coupon or craft, hosting a girls' night at your house with movies and popcorn.... be creative in building close friendships that are more than just a Facebook "like" relationship. You know what I'm saying. :)
3. Create systems in your home to make your life easier. Lay out the kids' clothes the night before so there is no fight in the morning. Have a boot bench by the door to house shoes upon entry to your home to reduce on the need to clean your carpets every thirty seconds and to keep from playing the "let's find the shoes" game. Put together freezer meals for busy nights (@Pinterest has great ideas!).
4. When it comes to kids' clothes and supplies, re-sell them! Don't waste your hard-earned money. Give each item a good wash and spot treat, and sell at either a good consignment store or at a consignment event like Just Between Friends sales. This will enable you to get more of what your kids need in their current sizes. Time is money if you manage it wisely.
5. Encourage independence in your children. Have them take tasks into their own hands at appropriate ages. It takes a great deal of time to train them, but the time you save in the long-run will far outweigh the time to teach them!
6. Care for yourself emotionally. Watch girly movies. Engage in your passion, whether it be a craft, cooking, hiking, swimming.... anything to get you out of the routine of daily life and makes you smile. Make a list of the things you really enjoy and put it on your bedroom door or somewhere else you'll see it.
7. FIND AN EXCELLENT BABYSITTER! Babysitters mean FREEDOM! I have six on speed-dial so I always know I can find someone in a pinch. Of course, make sure they are CPR and first aid certified in case of emergencies, and always request reference letters.
8. Take a shower EVERY morning... even on your lazy days. Nothing gets your engine running faster than clean skin and bouncy hair! You may want to skip this when you're feeling tired and overwhelmed, but this will be the fastest ticket to a lack of productivity and poor self-image.
9. When you're feeling down, clean! Turn the music up and pick a small spot in your house to conquer. Before you know it, you'll start feeling better and more in control of what is going on in your life, even if the cleaning doesn't solve the problem you're facing... it'll still look pretty and make you smile!
10. When all else fails and the world is closing in around you, love on your kids. Look them right in the eye and talk to them. Tell them how much they mean to you and then if they're little enough, snuggle them until they say they want to be left alone. :) The power of touch and connecting to those precious little ones can help to re-focus you on what is important.
God knows where you are and what you are capable of. He is never surprised by your circumstances, choices or desires. Although these different ideas/actions help a little, the most powerful thing to change the way you feel and the way you live is to be in perpetual communication with the person who loves you most, through honest, open prayer.
If you've ever wondered how to pray, it is simply having a conversation with God as if he were sitting right with you. I pray while I'm driving, cleaning, even during some conversations! Just like when you read a book "to yourself", no one even has to know what you're saying or that you're praying at all. Keep those lines of communication strong and it will serve you well in all aspects of your life!
I have a dear friend who recently had her husband leave for a month to train for a sport, and this was the longest time they'd ever spent apart. Because I spent up to a year apart from my husband during our marriage and survived (and that I've been doing the parenting job solo going on 5 years), she sought me out for advice and help on how to cope with caring for her two boys and effectively manage her schedule. This got me thinking that my list may be helpful to other single mothers in need of direction as well.
1. Do not expect perfection! We can only do what we can, and being frustrated or depressed that we are not able to keep everything in perfect order is only going to set us back further. Focus on the tasks at hand, and check them off one-by-one. How do you climb a mountain? ONE step at a time.
2. Form an excellent support system, most importantly by being a reliable, caring friend FIRST! Single mothers often need favors from friends, but don't become the person constantly asking and never giving. Whatever your strengths are.... doing a friend's makeup or hair for a big night out, cooking when they're sick and dropping off meals during trials, watching others' kids in exchange, helping a friend learn how to coupon or craft, hosting a girls' night at your house with movies and popcorn.... be creative in building close friendships that are more than just a Facebook "like" relationship. You know what I'm saying. :)
3. Create systems in your home to make your life easier. Lay out the kids' clothes the night before so there is no fight in the morning. Have a boot bench by the door to house shoes upon entry to your home to reduce on the need to clean your carpets every thirty seconds and to keep from playing the "let's find the shoes" game. Put together freezer meals for busy nights (@Pinterest has great ideas!).
4. When it comes to kids' clothes and supplies, re-sell them! Don't waste your hard-earned money. Give each item a good wash and spot treat, and sell at either a good consignment store or at a consignment event like Just Between Friends sales. This will enable you to get more of what your kids need in their current sizes. Time is money if you manage it wisely.
5. Encourage independence in your children. Have them take tasks into their own hands at appropriate ages. It takes a great deal of time to train them, but the time you save in the long-run will far outweigh the time to teach them!
6. Care for yourself emotionally. Watch girly movies. Engage in your passion, whether it be a craft, cooking, hiking, swimming.... anything to get you out of the routine of daily life and makes you smile. Make a list of the things you really enjoy and put it on your bedroom door or somewhere else you'll see it.
7. FIND AN EXCELLENT BABYSITTER! Babysitters mean FREEDOM! I have six on speed-dial so I always know I can find someone in a pinch. Of course, make sure they are CPR and first aid certified in case of emergencies, and always request reference letters.
8. Take a shower EVERY morning... even on your lazy days. Nothing gets your engine running faster than clean skin and bouncy hair! You may want to skip this when you're feeling tired and overwhelmed, but this will be the fastest ticket to a lack of productivity and poor self-image.
9. When you're feeling down, clean! Turn the music up and pick a small spot in your house to conquer. Before you know it, you'll start feeling better and more in control of what is going on in your life, even if the cleaning doesn't solve the problem you're facing... it'll still look pretty and make you smile!
10. When all else fails and the world is closing in around you, love on your kids. Look them right in the eye and talk to them. Tell them how much they mean to you and then if they're little enough, snuggle them until they say they want to be left alone. :) The power of touch and connecting to those precious little ones can help to re-focus you on what is important.
God knows where you are and what you are capable of. He is never surprised by your circumstances, choices or desires. Although these different ideas/actions help a little, the most powerful thing to change the way you feel and the way you live is to be in perpetual communication with the person who loves you most, through honest, open prayer.
If you've ever wondered how to pray, it is simply having a conversation with God as if he were sitting right with you. I pray while I'm driving, cleaning, even during some conversations! Just like when you read a book "to yourself", no one even has to know what you're saying or that you're praying at all. Keep those lines of communication strong and it will serve you well in all aspects of your life!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Self-exploration
One of the things that I did the poorest job of in my marriage was being wholly myself. Falling in love at such a young age (16) was beautiful, but it did fundamentally alter who I was. I was so much more pliable in my actions than I would have been at say, 25, and as a result, I adopted many facets of myself that I am sure would not have otherwise presented themselves.
The majority of my healing from my divorce has come through a new definition-of-self, as authentic and raw as I can allow myself to be. So few people are offered such an opportunity in life, and I have been determined to make the very most of it, and not to leave any stone of my soul un-turned.
It began in small ways. Making a list of likes and dislikes. I even had a difficult time deciding what my favorite food was (I've since settled on Lemon Chicken from Martha Stewart's website). Next came the bigger decisions. The first of which I had to make was what I wanted to do for a living, as I only had two years of college under my belt and never completed nursing school. I examined my options for financial aid, and realized quickly (and gratefully) that the government wisely supports the goals of single parents who seek higher education. After a year of taking just one class per semester to see "if I could even handle school" as a mother of three infant twins and a toddler, I had decided. Months of deep thought led me to teaching. I took a half-time load while staying home to raise my sons, and I've been slowly chipping away at each requirement ever since. Putting my children first in this way has been difficult, but incredibly rewarding, and I'll always cherish this time I've had with them, regardless of how crazy it has been.
Now that I'm confidently on the path to career fulfillment, I've been slowly burying the hurts of my marriage and life away from myself. I believe that women are beautiful, powerful beings, and while I'm not a feminist, I'm certainly a firm believer that God created two sexes for a reason. We both have a vitally important role in the world, and our caring, nurturing spirits are one of the most important aspects of who we are. Allowing myself to finally embrace this through gardening, home keeping and caring for the members of my community through volunteerism has been the most rewarding part of moving beyond the depths of where my situation led me.
Lastly, I've discovered things about myself that I never knew before. The value that live music holds in my life was drastically under-emphasized, as it would turn out. Also, the value of running every day. These two things becoming an intrinsic part of my day have been an incredible lift to me, and lift me from the floor even when I think all is lost. The freedom of putting one foot in front of the other and having no other responsibilities pulling on me in that distinct moment is such a thing of beauty.
Praying for each of you on your journey,
Erin
The majority of my healing from my divorce has come through a new definition-of-self, as authentic and raw as I can allow myself to be. So few people are offered such an opportunity in life, and I have been determined to make the very most of it, and not to leave any stone of my soul un-turned.
It began in small ways. Making a list of likes and dislikes. I even had a difficult time deciding what my favorite food was (I've since settled on Lemon Chicken from Martha Stewart's website). Next came the bigger decisions. The first of which I had to make was what I wanted to do for a living, as I only had two years of college under my belt and never completed nursing school. I examined my options for financial aid, and realized quickly (and gratefully) that the government wisely supports the goals of single parents who seek higher education. After a year of taking just one class per semester to see "if I could even handle school" as a mother of three infant twins and a toddler, I had decided. Months of deep thought led me to teaching. I took a half-time load while staying home to raise my sons, and I've been slowly chipping away at each requirement ever since. Putting my children first in this way has been difficult, but incredibly rewarding, and I'll always cherish this time I've had with them, regardless of how crazy it has been.
Now that I'm confidently on the path to career fulfillment, I've been slowly burying the hurts of my marriage and life away from myself. I believe that women are beautiful, powerful beings, and while I'm not a feminist, I'm certainly a firm believer that God created two sexes for a reason. We both have a vitally important role in the world, and our caring, nurturing spirits are one of the most important aspects of who we are. Allowing myself to finally embrace this through gardening, home keeping and caring for the members of my community through volunteerism has been the most rewarding part of moving beyond the depths of where my situation led me.
Lastly, I've discovered things about myself that I never knew before. The value that live music holds in my life was drastically under-emphasized, as it would turn out. Also, the value of running every day. These two things becoming an intrinsic part of my day have been an incredible lift to me, and lift me from the floor even when I think all is lost. The freedom of putting one foot in front of the other and having no other responsibilities pulling on me in that distinct moment is such a thing of beauty.
Praying for each of you on your journey,
Erin
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Circumstance vs. State of Mind
You know this kind of day - you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, thought your toothbrush was deodorant and put it in your armpit (and THEN turned it on...), missed every green light on the way to work and lost a major project due to a technical glitch. A circumstantial nemesis.
It may seem like things will never get better, and you're right, they may not. You may go on to spit tomato soup all over a comedic co-worker who told you a joke just after a nice long sip. You may also break a 400.00 piece of equipment due to wistfully thinking about your amazing weekend instead of concentrating on the task at hand.
However, when we re-direct our focus to the more permanent, our spiritual lives and God's purpose for us, these things fade in importance and in their effect on our peaceful state of being. No matter how much we drift or even run from God's presence, there is something about his ability to draw us back that is kind of magical. Our Heavenly Father loves us more than we can imagine, and it's comforting to know that no matter how hectic or crazy our lives get, He is always there, waiting with a warm embrace and words of wisdom. We may think we have all the answers on how to live, but when we find ourselves in another pit of our own digging, unable to escape, we turn again to His holy Word and remember what our true purpose is.
Imagine for a moment the impact we can have on another person in the same circumstances. How many people could we lift up in any given day simply with a kind word and a helping hand? That overwhelmed mother with three kids in tow at the grocery store may like a helping hand with the door. An old woman struggling to take out her trash can may appreciate a helping hand. A friend may need a silly joke sent to them on their phone.
God promised us that in this life we WOULD see trouble. ""I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33
In spite of this, He continues to lead us through every single type of difficulty with a loving hand, bringing all negative circumstances to their knees for our good. He teaches us patience, endurance and hope.... and those are things that are more valuable than any earthly victory.
What circumstance do you want to overcome today? Who will you be able to help overcome theirs?
It may seem like things will never get better, and you're right, they may not. You may go on to spit tomato soup all over a comedic co-worker who told you a joke just after a nice long sip. You may also break a 400.00 piece of equipment due to wistfully thinking about your amazing weekend instead of concentrating on the task at hand.
However, when we re-direct our focus to the more permanent, our spiritual lives and God's purpose for us, these things fade in importance and in their effect on our peaceful state of being. No matter how much we drift or even run from God's presence, there is something about his ability to draw us back that is kind of magical. Our Heavenly Father loves us more than we can imagine, and it's comforting to know that no matter how hectic or crazy our lives get, He is always there, waiting with a warm embrace and words of wisdom. We may think we have all the answers on how to live, but when we find ourselves in another pit of our own digging, unable to escape, we turn again to His holy Word and remember what our true purpose is.
Imagine for a moment the impact we can have on another person in the same circumstances. How many people could we lift up in any given day simply with a kind word and a helping hand? That overwhelmed mother with three kids in tow at the grocery store may like a helping hand with the door. An old woman struggling to take out her trash can may appreciate a helping hand. A friend may need a silly joke sent to them on their phone.
God promised us that in this life we WOULD see trouble. ""I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33
In spite of this, He continues to lead us through every single type of difficulty with a loving hand, bringing all negative circumstances to their knees for our good. He teaches us patience, endurance and hope.... and those are things that are more valuable than any earthly victory.
What circumstance do you want to overcome today? Who will you be able to help overcome theirs?
Friday, September 24, 2010
Hitting my stride.
I can scarcely believe the woman I've become today.
When I look back on the empty shell of a person I was nearly three years ago. On October 5th, 2007 I decided it was time to leave my husband (after he requested it on my birthday) while 8 months pregnant with the twins and a 14 month old toddler in tow, loaded up my SUV with only the most dire necessities and drove from Alabama back home to Idaho to have my babies in sanity and peace, hoping against hope that my husband would get himself together... and even as I hugged my husband goodbye, I sensed the finality. Something was about to change, and NEVER go back to the way it once was.
I lived in people's basements for nearly two years, totally dependent on the mercy of strangers before I had a home of my own (even though it's just a rental). Now, the home I was miraculously blessed with has become comfortably OUR HOME.... filled with pictures, momentos and a place for everything.
I am feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and strength while looking back on these memories.
For me, life began again in the fall. It has always been my favorite season, but now I'm able to recognize this time with even more joy and thankfulness than ever before. I was set free from a marriage that was becoming a daily pain beyond tolerance, where truth and goodness were locked away forever. Given a fresh start by God.
Today, I'm happy, fulfilled, driven, and STILL hopeful in finding love again. I find that the most significant victory of all. I had a lovely chat with my ex over the phone today (really!) about how the boys are doing, and felt a glowing sense of pride in how well they're maturing and growing up. And.... I've done it all myself, with God to guide me every step of the way. I didn't have a husband to lean on when times got tough. When all three were sick, with toxic things coming from all parts of their bodies, and I was so sick I could barely move, I made it work. When Will stopped eating when his dad visited, I was the one to talk him back into it. When the kids cry or ask difficult questions about why their Daddy "left them all alone", I talk to them. When they go up to random 20 something guys in the park and ask them to be their new Daddy, I'm the one to shoo them away and tell them that they already have a Father - a heavenly Father that loves them more than they can imagine. I prayed for strength every step of the way, and gave them the care (both physically and emotionally) that they needed.
I also have my career within my sights. I wonder why on earth I hadn't thought of teaching seriously before. I *know* this is what I was born to do. I received an unexpected email from my teacher regarding a paper I wrote - my very first "lesson reflection", and she said, "The content of this paper leads me to believe that you have a profound gift of empathy and understanding. These are valuable traits in the world of education. Both the mechanics and the content of this paper were outstanding. Congratulations on a job well done!" It was humbling. I never would have gotten such a sense of empathy and understanding had it not been for the journey God has taken me on, and it gave me a renewed appreciation for any suffering I had endured. If it helps me to understand and help the heart of a hurting child, it was all worth it.
For the last several months, I've seen the fruits of my years of labor beginning to truly pay off. Focusing on my children, finishing school, waiting for the man God has for me instead of doing what feels good at the moment, or even what I think is right.... it's all creating a whirlwind of blessings both in my heart and my life.
How blessed could you be if you made a few changes in the choices you're making right now? How grateful are you for your own suffering in this life? How amazing is this God we serve? These are all questions I seem to be asking myself often as of late. Prayerfully considering each step I take, one day at a time, and taking care of myself and my children before anyone else in my life has greatly increased my ability to do great things for our life and for others.
I absolutely love the feeling I'm getting while I am hitting my stride.
When I look back on the empty shell of a person I was nearly three years ago. On October 5th, 2007 I decided it was time to leave my husband (after he requested it on my birthday) while 8 months pregnant with the twins and a 14 month old toddler in tow, loaded up my SUV with only the most dire necessities and drove from Alabama back home to Idaho to have my babies in sanity and peace, hoping against hope that my husband would get himself together... and even as I hugged my husband goodbye, I sensed the finality. Something was about to change, and NEVER go back to the way it once was.
I lived in people's basements for nearly two years, totally dependent on the mercy of strangers before I had a home of my own (even though it's just a rental). Now, the home I was miraculously blessed with has become comfortably OUR HOME.... filled with pictures, momentos and a place for everything.
I am feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and strength while looking back on these memories.
For me, life began again in the fall. It has always been my favorite season, but now I'm able to recognize this time with even more joy and thankfulness than ever before. I was set free from a marriage that was becoming a daily pain beyond tolerance, where truth and goodness were locked away forever. Given a fresh start by God.
Today, I'm happy, fulfilled, driven, and STILL hopeful in finding love again. I find that the most significant victory of all. I had a lovely chat with my ex over the phone today (really!) about how the boys are doing, and felt a glowing sense of pride in how well they're maturing and growing up. And.... I've done it all myself, with God to guide me every step of the way. I didn't have a husband to lean on when times got tough. When all three were sick, with toxic things coming from all parts of their bodies, and I was so sick I could barely move, I made it work. When Will stopped eating when his dad visited, I was the one to talk him back into it. When the kids cry or ask difficult questions about why their Daddy "left them all alone", I talk to them. When they go up to random 20 something guys in the park and ask them to be their new Daddy, I'm the one to shoo them away and tell them that they already have a Father - a heavenly Father that loves them more than they can imagine. I prayed for strength every step of the way, and gave them the care (both physically and emotionally) that they needed.
I also have my career within my sights. I wonder why on earth I hadn't thought of teaching seriously before. I *know* this is what I was born to do. I received an unexpected email from my teacher regarding a paper I wrote - my very first "lesson reflection", and she said, "The content of this paper leads me to believe that you have a profound gift of empathy and understanding. These are valuable traits in the world of education. Both the mechanics and the content of this paper were outstanding. Congratulations on a job well done!" It was humbling. I never would have gotten such a sense of empathy and understanding had it not been for the journey God has taken me on, and it gave me a renewed appreciation for any suffering I had endured. If it helps me to understand and help the heart of a hurting child, it was all worth it.
For the last several months, I've seen the fruits of my years of labor beginning to truly pay off. Focusing on my children, finishing school, waiting for the man God has for me instead of doing what feels good at the moment, or even what I think is right.... it's all creating a whirlwind of blessings both in my heart and my life.
How blessed could you be if you made a few changes in the choices you're making right now? How grateful are you for your own suffering in this life? How amazing is this God we serve? These are all questions I seem to be asking myself often as of late. Prayerfully considering each step I take, one day at a time, and taking care of myself and my children before anyone else in my life has greatly increased my ability to do great things for our life and for others.
I absolutely love the feeling I'm getting while I am hitting my stride.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Bright and shiny...
I had a bit of a health scare recently, which was as a result of how I reacted to something my ex did, and it made me realize, yet again, something HAS to give.
It's been two years since I left, one and a half years since the divorce, and I was still hurting. It was nowhere NEAR the level of pain I experienced in the beginning (when I lost about 20 lbs and rarely left my house, even to take out the trash), but there were still moments that made me ache. Unless you've been in the very same position that I am with regard to the divorce and the destructive nature of what he did to me... you simply wouldn't understand. He called on a Thursday, and by Saturday I was in the hospital for stomach pain that was so severe I couldn't even stand without support.
Talk about a wake-up call.
This made me re-evaluate how I feel about what happened. I started becoming more aware of my self-derisive thoughts and occasional wistfulness about my past life... and my delusion. Somehow, I felt if my love was true -in- our marriage that the loss should still affect me on some level.
Then I realized, I don't have to hurt anymore.
Of course, this is easier said than done. But, I made a commitment to myself to get over it. For good. I forgave him many, many times... even during the offenses. While on some levels this was a good thing, part of me wanted to believe that we could go back to the way things were as a result of said forgiveness. It never could. When I imagine the things he did, and the way he treated me and especially our sons... I began dismantling the feelings I had for him... brick by sorry brick.
I saw the greatest quote at the gym after my trip to the hospital, and though I struggle to remember the exact words, it was something like this:
"In order to have happiness in our heart, we must first have an empty space to put it. We must exhale before we can inhale."
It created the desire in me to start emptying space. I'm throwing away more letters, pictures, memories and feelings than I ever have before. I wasn't ready to let go of "forever" until now. My intellectual reasoning side WANTED to, but my feeling heart just couldn't handle the loss and the admission that all the effort I gave and the sacrifices I made to make our life a good one were for nothing, with HIM. I am keeping enough so that my sons can understand my relationship with their father if they want to someday, but not enough to continue to hurt me.
When I look at my many blessings: my beautiful sons, my home, my sanity, the peace God has given me, my budding relationship, my future, and my schoolwork.... I find so much joy that was hidden before under the tarnished memories holding me back in my present. I feel brand new, again! There have been so many "rebirths" as a result of my mourning process (which I admit has been a long one), and each time I end up with a greater appreciation for my faith, for my family, and for my heart. Even though I am often frustrated by the speed at which I can "move on" from hurtful things, I would rather feel the intense love and happiness I feel on a daily basis than to end up jaded and unfeeling for any length of time. Better balancing this notion is something that I have committed to working on, but I hope to keep the positive side of this trait as much as I possibly can.
So, this week - I'm doing the cliche but effective... I'm simplifying my life by clearing out clutter, both in my heart and in my home. It's so exciting! Spring makes me swoon with all its beauty, and with the things that are happening right now I'm experiencing a heightened sense of passion for living well and trusting God's leading, step by step.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
A New Leaf.
I've been challenged to reflect on some things in my life I want to change, and turning over a "new leaf," so to speak, in the New Year.
I'm not one to shy away from looking at myself through a CLEAR lens, not one doctored up with either rose coloring or a dark cloud to obstruct the negative. I feel like I'm pretty realistic about both my strengths and my weaknesses.
Weakness: Being overly emotional.
Strength: Being tender enough to feel joy or sorrow when others cannot.
Weakness: Being overly energetic, to the point that it annoys people.
Strength: Having enough energy to keep up with my three boys and to get through the day.
Weakness: Being a dreamer.
Strength: Making my dreams become real.
Weakness: Writing stories in my head during real-life situations often distracts me from reality.
Strength: Learning to be an interesting storyteller.
In the year to come, I hope to become increasingly comfortable with who I am, and learn to accept my weaknesses as well as my faults. We can try to change certain aspects of ourselves, and fail miserably, because it simply is not WHO WE ARE. I want to magnify my strengths and live my life with joy and purpose, knowing that I am capable of handling what is ahead of me, because I have already successfully dealt with the challenges behind me.
Some small goals I want to accomplish in the New Year:
1. To finish my Associate's Degree in the spring (finally). *On my way... just one class left to meet my goal!*
2. To be even greater at ease with being alone. *This will be a work in progress.*
3. To make new friends. *Going to a new mommy group to find some kindred spirits.*
4. To attend a singles Bible study and get to know more people in my situation. *Found one, and my first time attending will be Jan 6!*
5. To have courage to speak up and go after what I want. *Again, a work in progress.*
6. To make working out a 3 day a week habit. *I've been going to spinning on Wednesday, now to find a Monday and Friday schedule!*
7. To streamline my daily life and my cleaning system. *On my way! I got some laundry hampers and other organizational things over Xmas to help my cause!*
I am on my way to a happier, better version of what I have been given, and I am truly excited for the year to come!!!
I'm not one to shy away from looking at myself through a CLEAR lens, not one doctored up with either rose coloring or a dark cloud to obstruct the negative. I feel like I'm pretty realistic about both my strengths and my weaknesses.
Weakness: Being overly emotional.
Strength: Being tender enough to feel joy or sorrow when others cannot.
Weakness: Being overly energetic, to the point that it annoys people.
Strength: Having enough energy to keep up with my three boys and to get through the day.
Weakness: Being a dreamer.
Strength: Making my dreams become real.
Weakness: Writing stories in my head during real-life situations often distracts me from reality.
Strength: Learning to be an interesting storyteller.
In the year to come, I hope to become increasingly comfortable with who I am, and learn to accept my weaknesses as well as my faults. We can try to change certain aspects of ourselves, and fail miserably, because it simply is not WHO WE ARE. I want to magnify my strengths and live my life with joy and purpose, knowing that I am capable of handling what is ahead of me, because I have already successfully dealt with the challenges behind me.
Some small goals I want to accomplish in the New Year:
1. To finish my Associate's Degree in the spring (finally). *On my way... just one class left to meet my goal!*
2. To be even greater at ease with being alone. *This will be a work in progress.*
3. To make new friends. *Going to a new mommy group to find some kindred spirits.*
4. To attend a singles Bible study and get to know more people in my situation. *Found one, and my first time attending will be Jan 6!*
5. To have courage to speak up and go after what I want. *Again, a work in progress.*
6. To make working out a 3 day a week habit. *I've been going to spinning on Wednesday, now to find a Monday and Friday schedule!*
7. To streamline my daily life and my cleaning system. *On my way! I got some laundry hampers and other organizational things over Xmas to help my cause!*
I am on my way to a happier, better version of what I have been given, and I am truly excited for the year to come!!!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Glancing behind, speeding forward!
And now, it's time for the cliche "looking at the past year" blog... but with a twist. This coming year is a new and exciting challenge for me, and *that* will be my focus!
The beginning of the year 2009 I spent alone in my former sister-in-law's parent's basement curled up on the couch with my three babies, watching the ball drop on television.
That past year I had melted, and still had the enormous responsibility of three tiny boys to raise.I had lived through a year of emotional torture, trying to do what was right, only to end up alone and crying at the beginning of my year. It was a new life, to be sure, and one that I was not yet used to. The learning curve was steep. I had no idea what God had in store for my life, at that point. It was all I could do to keep my head above water, but by the grace of God, I was still able to find reasons to smile.
A month later, I moved into my new home.
It may not look like much, but it was my own personal Taj Mahal. It had everything I had hoped for, and was a gift straight from heaven. Throughout the year, I grew slowly into a functioning single mother of three boys 3 and under thanks to the support of a family-in-Christ that loved and cared about me.
I moved into a true HOME for my children and myself, began my first semester back at college and completed it with success, I got this blog going and gained a little gold star from mssinglemama.com, made new friends, hosted a weekly playgroup in my home, attended Bible study, celebrated the birth of two new nieces and a nephew, took my sons to their first day in Disneyland, spent time with my extended family in California, hosted a visit with a dear friend from Fort Campbell for a girl's week with six kiddos in my home, planned and hosted Will's third birthday, read dozens of books, saw William off to his first day of preschool, saw my baby twins grow to adventurous, toddling boys and most importantly, regained my sense of wonder in life.
In the good times and bad, I learned a few select things to help me through the year to come, making it less stressful and more joyful:
I moved into a true HOME for my children and myself, began my first semester back at college and completed it with success, I got this blog going and gained a little gold star from mssinglemama.com, made new friends, hosted a weekly playgroup in my home, attended Bible study, celebrated the birth of two new nieces and a nephew, took my sons to their first day in Disneyland, spent time with my extended family in California, hosted a visit with a dear friend from Fort Campbell for a girl's week with six kiddos in my home, planned and hosted Will's third birthday, read dozens of books, saw William off to his first day of preschool, saw my baby twins grow to adventurous, toddling boys and most importantly, regained my sense of wonder in life.
In the good times and bad, I learned a few select things to help me through the year to come, making it less stressful and more joyful:
***************
1. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALLLLWAYS drink coffee first thing in the morning, and have another cup at 1pm. If I didn't, my day would begin sluggishly and would get progressively worse in a hurry.
2. Make a list of little things I enjoy. Sitting by the window in my favorite chair, sewing, attempting a photo shoot with my children, eating a jolly rancher, making a wonderful lunch for one, sitting on my deck with a big glass of sweet tea... anything and everything that made me smile. When I would get down, I'd accomplish one of the things on the list, and would be much more hopeful in an instant.
3. Keeping beautifully decorated 3x5 notecards of my favorite Bible verses posted around my house. They would re-direct my attention away from myself and toward the true purpose God has for me, and though it will include hardship, HE will always walk with me. It was the single most effective thing I did to change my heart, which was the only thing I had control over, anyway.
4. Keeping my nose in a book helps me to look past my own life and to put it all into perspective. Whether it be the Bible, or fluffy historical fiction books, mostly.... they would take my mind from the difficulty of my circumstances and allow me to look into another world and another life, temporarily dulling my sense of panic. They also kept my mind sharp, which I was very grateful for after living for a year in an intellectual fog.
5. Never, ever lose HOPE. The hope that someone will love me again (as a few have), the hope that I am not too damaged to make it in the world (as I've been succeeding in so many areas of my life), the hope that time truly DOES heal all wounds (because the scars are fading), and the hope that my sons will have happy, productive, normal lives in spite of what has happened. Next to my faith, their resilience has been my greatest source of hope.
*******************************
This list has served me well! In spite of the challenge I faced this year in picking up the pieces of what was left of my life, I have accomplished all of what I set out to do and then some.
Although I lost my grandfather this year, saw the children through dozens of flus and colds (which is a LOT harder than you think.... it's the worst part of raising three boys so close together for me!), my ex-husband had his fourth child and celebrated his one year anniversary with the new wife, and watched the country sink into a deep recession affecting everyone around me, among other unmentionable sorrows, it didn't break me. God's love for me and the strength he provided me kept me going in moments I thought I didn't have anything left to give.
Now, to ring in 2010, I'm going to be doing something pretty out of character... going to see the Black Eyed Peas in concert for the New Year's Eve countdown! I felt like this year needed a pretty awesome kick-start with a great memory to keep my spirits up... and some extra savings made this little mini-vacay a reality! I *refuse* to be stuck sitting at home alone this year, and would far rather be having a night to remember throughout the year of hard work to come! This is a three day trip, just for ME, to reflect and celebrate the fact that I have come through this awful experience with the ability to see joy in my everyday life... even in the worst of times.
This year will be full of surprises, I am sure, but I'm going to be speeding forward into my new future... fully enjoying my sons, my independence, and my new life that I have earned through hard work and careful planning due to God's grace and guidance.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Comfortable where you are?
This past week has been another tough one - but manageable. My "schedule" has been altered by occasional bouts of throwing up and other "illness related" messes made by the kids. Even though the boys are sick, I've had a lot of time spent at home to reflect.
What I hear the most today is that people just want to be "happy". When I hear this phrase, I immediately cringe. For so many people, being "happy" involves abandoning responsibilities and PEOPLE in their lives for the fulfillment of their own immediate pleasure. For others it is living a mediocre, selfish life obsessed with appearance and fashion. For yet others it means drinking and watching football to make the "voices" and bad feelings go away. It makes them HAPPY. But, is chasing THIS happiness inherently wrong?
Webster defines the word "happy" in a way that most people would be surprised by: 1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate. 2.Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy. 3.Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase. 4.Cheerful; willing: happy to help.
So, essentially - you're either lucky, enjoying something pleasurable or joyous, adaptable, or cheerful and willing to help others. The first half of the definition is fleeting and completely based on current circumstances, riddled with chances for disappointment. It creates the up-and-down rollercoaster effect in our lives. If that is what you focus on - it is a set-up to failure... not all of the time, but at least some of the time. The second is built within a person's heart, which you can keep with you always regardless of whatever tragedy or triumph you face - neat, huh? :)
Now for the BUMMER. If our life depends on happy circumstances, then we are in for supreme disappointment. The fact is, life has good moments, but is overall about hard work, long-suffering, and eventually death. These aren't bad things, it's just the way the world was designed. Our good looks wear out, our energy level declines, our body breaks down, our money is spent, and we lose people we care about. If our goal is to deal with the difficult things with grace and honesty, then we will be just fine. Even when our circumstances leave a lot to be desired, our hearts remain strong and steadfast in our cause to endure and overcome. Even when we fail, we know that there is something greater out there waiting for us.
The vast majority of folks are going through the motions of their lives, chasing after good feelings ("happiness") and not paying attention to where they are going or how they are getting there. It is truly shocking how much people lie, even on a daily basis. Think about it - an omission, a kind yet insincere phrase to make someone feel better, a glossed over version of the truth... all of these are essentially misrepresentations of the truth. I wonder how often people are completely honest? Simply put - we cannot trust the words or even the actions of others. The only thing we can know for certain is the ongoings of our own hearts, and our own unedited thoughts and feelings that float around in there. The more honest we are with ourselves, the more fulfilled, unburdened and peaceful we can live in our daily lives.
I have changed so significantly from the girl I once was. The things I treasured before: monetary success, education, diplomas, appearance, my marriage, my home.... are all fading in importance.
Scripturally (those of you who aren't believers just tune this part out...) -in Matthew 13:44, Jesus said, "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." - I know just what this man felt like, because I have done the same thing. My eyes are focused on one thing - the wonder of God's creation. The beauty he intends for us to see - INVISIBLE beauty. All that matters to me is what is in that "field". Thankfully, I find my joy in my children, in helping others and in my faith. I like that my heart for others will never abandon me, or grow to be wrinkly and shriveled, and that it is with me always. Matthew 6:21 states, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (NOTE: My faith is something personal to me, and I am in no way trying to "convert" anyone. These are just raw thoughts from a very honest place.)
So, in light of this consideration, how do you define your personal happiness based on the list? It is a great week to take stock in your own heart and consider what is important to you...
1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate?
2.Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy?
3.Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase?
4.Cheerful; willing: happy to help?
As a result of the changes I made, I feel less burdened and tired now than I did as a teenager, and my responsibilities have increased 100 fold. I am so thankful I took the time to really consider what life was all about before I made decisions that would rob me of my joy!
By the world's yardstick I could be considered failing - a divorced mom of three tiny boys with little more than 2 years at college without a defined skill set to support myself - but I know what I am capable of and the direction I am headed in, and am at peace with where God has me. Deep down, where no one else is looking - I am truly happy. I no longer bow to the court of popular opinion. The tiny amount of wisdom I have learned in my situation is that I do not need the approval of others to be at peace.
Um, what?!?!?
Considering that the approval of others used to RULE my life, this is a very significant and meaningful change for me. Where did it come from? Learning the hard way.
The majority of people who ask, "How are you doing?", do NOT really want to know the answer. The minute you begin to explain how life is going for you, they glance at their watch, yawn, and pretend to be interested, smiling and nodding. People don't want to discuss the "tough" subjects, hear "sad" stories or be "brought down" in any way. Instead of being an encouragement to others, showing kindness, being merciful - they are solely focused on themselves and their own accolades. A compliment is rarely turned away, while a plea for help frequently is. I have learned that the proper answer to this question is, "Great! How about you?" One word. Seriously. Learning that fact has never lets me down. Being more guarded is safer, smarter. For the record, if *I* ask someone that question, I actually want to know.
And, if you *REEEEALLY* want to know what my day goes like... this would be the best way to describe it....
What I hear the most today is that people just want to be "happy". When I hear this phrase, I immediately cringe. For so many people, being "happy" involves abandoning responsibilities and PEOPLE in their lives for the fulfillment of their own immediate pleasure. For others it is living a mediocre, selfish life obsessed with appearance and fashion. For yet others it means drinking and watching football to make the "voices" and bad feelings go away. It makes them HAPPY. But, is chasing THIS happiness inherently wrong?
Webster defines the word "happy" in a way that most people would be surprised by: 1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate. 2.Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy. 3.Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase. 4.Cheerful; willing: happy to help.
So, essentially - you're either lucky, enjoying something pleasurable or joyous, adaptable, or cheerful and willing to help others. The first half of the definition is fleeting and completely based on current circumstances, riddled with chances for disappointment. It creates the up-and-down rollercoaster effect in our lives. If that is what you focus on - it is a set-up to failure... not all of the time, but at least some of the time. The second is built within a person's heart, which you can keep with you always regardless of whatever tragedy or triumph you face - neat, huh? :)
Now for the BUMMER. If our life depends on happy circumstances, then we are in for supreme disappointment. The fact is, life has good moments, but is overall about hard work, long-suffering, and eventually death. These aren't bad things, it's just the way the world was designed. Our good looks wear out, our energy level declines, our body breaks down, our money is spent, and we lose people we care about. If our goal is to deal with the difficult things with grace and honesty, then we will be just fine. Even when our circumstances leave a lot to be desired, our hearts remain strong and steadfast in our cause to endure and overcome. Even when we fail, we know that there is something greater out there waiting for us.
The vast majority of folks are going through the motions of their lives, chasing after good feelings ("happiness") and not paying attention to where they are going or how they are getting there. It is truly shocking how much people lie, even on a daily basis. Think about it - an omission, a kind yet insincere phrase to make someone feel better, a glossed over version of the truth... all of these are essentially misrepresentations of the truth. I wonder how often people are completely honest? Simply put - we cannot trust the words or even the actions of others. The only thing we can know for certain is the ongoings of our own hearts, and our own unedited thoughts and feelings that float around in there. The more honest we are with ourselves, the more fulfilled, unburdened and peaceful we can live in our daily lives.
I have changed so significantly from the girl I once was. The things I treasured before: monetary success, education, diplomas, appearance, my marriage, my home.... are all fading in importance.
Scripturally (those of you who aren't believers just tune this part out...) -in Matthew 13:44, Jesus said, "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." - I know just what this man felt like, because I have done the same thing. My eyes are focused on one thing - the wonder of God's creation. The beauty he intends for us to see - INVISIBLE beauty. All that matters to me is what is in that "field". Thankfully, I find my joy in my children, in helping others and in my faith. I like that my heart for others will never abandon me, or grow to be wrinkly and shriveled, and that it is with me always. Matthew 6:21 states, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (NOTE: My faith is something personal to me, and I am in no way trying to "convert" anyone. These are just raw thoughts from a very honest place.)
So, in light of this consideration, how do you define your personal happiness based on the list? It is a great week to take stock in your own heart and consider what is important to you...
1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate?
2.Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy?
3.Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase?
4.Cheerful; willing: happy to help?
As a result of the changes I made, I feel less burdened and tired now than I did as a teenager, and my responsibilities have increased 100 fold. I am so thankful I took the time to really consider what life was all about before I made decisions that would rob me of my joy!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
One year later... a whole new life.
I was completely shocked.... the one year anniversary of my divorce has come and gone unnoticed in my life.
Last year, I thought this day would hold so much sorrow and pain... but I had no idea how much freedom there would be in forgetting about it. I've been so busy working on my own life and the goals I've long since set aside that I didn't even realize that August 29th had so much significance. But, then again.... I'm realizing that it DOESN'T hold any significance. The only day it did was in 2008.... that awful day when my world came crashing down and my love had come to an unfortunate and bitter end.
Instead of being sad lately, I've been able to see the fruits of my emotional labor. I've dealt with the pain created by my previous circumstances HEAD ON over the last year, unafraid of the path ahead, and even though the process seemed (seems) endless, it's finally paying off. At the beginning of this journey, I found a quote by Anne Morrow Lindbergh that perfectly described how I felt then... looking upon the ashes of my previous life and at the long road ahead, "It isn't for the moment that you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security."
A close family friend helped to encourage me through the darkest moments of this process, and while he has counseled people for the last thirty years, he described my divorce as the most painful he had ever seen. I could have taken prescription medications to get to this point. I could have pretended like everything was ok. I could have refuse help given to me to take care of my children. I could have pridefully pushed everyone away in order to appear "strong".... but I didn't do any of this.
In my darkest moments I cried, I pleaded with God, and I collapsed under the weight of my circumstances. Embarassingly, at times I wished I could have my ex-husband back, in spite of the way he treated me. I lost faith in myself and in my abilities as a mother. I also simply lost MYSELF along the way, somehow.
But, I was fortunate enough during these painful times to have one of my many true friends take me by the hand and help me regain my strength to stand on my own. That's the most difficult thing for a newly single-mother to learn. Standing on your own is scary... and being comfortable in your own skin is not easy at first. You're still dealing with the failings of your past life and how it affects your present.
Once you finally accept your circumstances, and thank God for being where you are instead of where you were... a miraculous change happens. You start to breathe again. You see the simple pleasures in your life for so much more than the little things they are. They become a daily destination. Being fully absorbed in watching the steam rise up in swirls from your hot cup of tea, watching the deer eat birdseed out of the feeder in your yard at 2 am, admiring a spotless sink, watching your children joyfully gobble down a perfect cobbler you made from scratch... these no longer become fleeting moments, they become an experience. The daily moments of beauty in our lives hold so much more joy when we see how devastating life can be, and rarely do these moments go unappreciated again. That, in itself, is a blessing. To not see our lives as the endless chasing of the next milestone... but just to take one beautiful day at a time, and to be at a new level of awareness in our life experience.
Lately, the verse that means the most to me is...
"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction, but, for my own sake I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another." Isaiah 48:10-11
I am proud of the scars that I bear from my divorce. They remind me of the pain I have overcome with the help of God. God "looked beyond my faults and saw my needs", and I am increasingly grateful that He set me free from the hellish marriage I was trapped in.
My focus is on the future... the life for my boys, my life, my education, wondering if God intends for me to be married again, and on the wonderful friends He has put in my path. To love and encourage everyone that He puts me in contact with and to be a good representation of what God's love can do in a life.
I'm overflowingly thankful today for my beautiful home, my beautiful children and God's perfect love. One year later.
Last year, I thought this day would hold so much sorrow and pain... but I had no idea how much freedom there would be in forgetting about it. I've been so busy working on my own life and the goals I've long since set aside that I didn't even realize that August 29th had so much significance. But, then again.... I'm realizing that it DOESN'T hold any significance. The only day it did was in 2008.... that awful day when my world came crashing down and my love had come to an unfortunate and bitter end.
Instead of being sad lately, I've been able to see the fruits of my emotional labor. I've dealt with the pain created by my previous circumstances HEAD ON over the last year, unafraid of the path ahead, and even though the process seemed (seems) endless, it's finally paying off. At the beginning of this journey, I found a quote by Anne Morrow Lindbergh that perfectly described how I felt then... looking upon the ashes of my previous life and at the long road ahead, "It isn't for the moment that you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security."
A close family friend helped to encourage me through the darkest moments of this process, and while he has counseled people for the last thirty years, he described my divorce as the most painful he had ever seen. I could have taken prescription medications to get to this point. I could have pretended like everything was ok. I could have refuse help given to me to take care of my children. I could have pridefully pushed everyone away in order to appear "strong".... but I didn't do any of this.
In my darkest moments I cried, I pleaded with God, and I collapsed under the weight of my circumstances. Embarassingly, at times I wished I could have my ex-husband back, in spite of the way he treated me. I lost faith in myself and in my abilities as a mother. I also simply lost MYSELF along the way, somehow.
But, I was fortunate enough during these painful times to have one of my many true friends take me by the hand and help me regain my strength to stand on my own. That's the most difficult thing for a newly single-mother to learn. Standing on your own is scary... and being comfortable in your own skin is not easy at first. You're still dealing with the failings of your past life and how it affects your present.
Once you finally accept your circumstances, and thank God for being where you are instead of where you were... a miraculous change happens. You start to breathe again. You see the simple pleasures in your life for so much more than the little things they are. They become a daily destination. Being fully absorbed in watching the steam rise up in swirls from your hot cup of tea, watching the deer eat birdseed out of the feeder in your yard at 2 am, admiring a spotless sink, watching your children joyfully gobble down a perfect cobbler you made from scratch... these no longer become fleeting moments, they become an experience. The daily moments of beauty in our lives hold so much more joy when we see how devastating life can be, and rarely do these moments go unappreciated again. That, in itself, is a blessing. To not see our lives as the endless chasing of the next milestone... but just to take one beautiful day at a time, and to be at a new level of awareness in our life experience.
Lately, the verse that means the most to me is...
"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction, but, for my own sake I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another." Isaiah 48:10-11
I am proud of the scars that I bear from my divorce. They remind me of the pain I have overcome with the help of God. God "looked beyond my faults and saw my needs", and I am increasingly grateful that He set me free from the hellish marriage I was trapped in.
My focus is on the future... the life for my boys, my life, my education, wondering if God intends for me to be married again, and on the wonderful friends He has put in my path. To love and encourage everyone that He puts me in contact with and to be a good representation of what God's love can do in a life.
I'm overflowingly thankful today for my beautiful home, my beautiful children and God's perfect love. One year later.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Cset la vie...
In the last few weeks I've learned so much about myself. I've had so many of those "epiphany" moments... and all because of the goings-on of the last couple of weeks.
I was given such a gift. Being able to see myself clearly again for who I am, what I want and what I am capable of was shocking. It's strange how we can go through life thinking we're happy, thinking we're ok, and then something wakes us up and it's like a cold bucket of water dumped on our heads....
It was the best couple weeks of the last two years for me. I was treated like a valuable, beautiful woman and felt like myself again for the first time in a long time. The old Erin. The one before all of the hurt, humiliation and responsibility. The one who knew that she could achieve all of her goals and dreams, because she is CAPABLE and WORTHY of this. The spontaneous, happy, fun, silly Erin that I wish I could go back in time and be again. And I was. If only for a while.
My fears and insecurities from what has happened to me caused me to freak out at times, and this disrupted the joy. It makes me upset, because I know that if I had just "gone with the flow", things would have gone differently. Overthinking.... such a treacherous thing....
So, even though I chose not to pass "Go", and didn't collect $200... I am feeling like a million bucks. I remember what it is like to be a part of something great. Places in my heart opened up that I thought were locked, bound and thrown into the ocean... I never realized those parts could come alive again.
So, here I sit, alone again... but not SAD anymore. Thankful. Joyous. Happy. Hopeful....
So many wonderful things lie ahead of me, and no matter who I'm with... I remember what it feels like to be ME again. And that is a gift I am more grateful for than anyone could imagine.
I was given such a gift. Being able to see myself clearly again for who I am, what I want and what I am capable of was shocking. It's strange how we can go through life thinking we're happy, thinking we're ok, and then something wakes us up and it's like a cold bucket of water dumped on our heads....
It was the best couple weeks of the last two years for me. I was treated like a valuable, beautiful woman and felt like myself again for the first time in a long time. The old Erin. The one before all of the hurt, humiliation and responsibility. The one who knew that she could achieve all of her goals and dreams, because she is CAPABLE and WORTHY of this. The spontaneous, happy, fun, silly Erin that I wish I could go back in time and be again. And I was. If only for a while.
My fears and insecurities from what has happened to me caused me to freak out at times, and this disrupted the joy. It makes me upset, because I know that if I had just "gone with the flow", things would have gone differently. Overthinking.... such a treacherous thing....
So, even though I chose not to pass "Go", and didn't collect $200... I am feeling like a million bucks. I remember what it is like to be a part of something great. Places in my heart opened up that I thought were locked, bound and thrown into the ocean... I never realized those parts could come alive again.
So, here I sit, alone again... but not SAD anymore. Thankful. Joyous. Happy. Hopeful....
So many wonderful things lie ahead of me, and no matter who I'm with... I remember what it feels like to be ME again. And that is a gift I am more grateful for than anyone could imagine.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Thinky.
Life is meant for change. We are never the same as we were. Every day that we age brings about another new challenge. Whether it be one more wrinkle, a painful circumstance or a totally new location - the Lord meant for life to be a challenge to draw him closer to us. Thinking of Job gives me so much encouragement. Our life changes are so minor compared to his - however difficult they may seem.
God challenges us every day to either accept our circumstances or fight against them in misery. I choose to accept. I choose to look at what he lays out before me and understand what His purpose is for me in dealing with it. Most importantly, I strive to deal with them in a way that is fitting of God's desire for my life, even though I frequently fail (thanks to my ever present humanness...).
Praise God for his ever-present faithfulness to us in our lives, even as we struggle to handle the weight and difficulty of our days.
God challenges us every day to either accept our circumstances or fight against them in misery. I choose to accept. I choose to look at what he lays out before me and understand what His purpose is for me in dealing with it. Most importantly, I strive to deal with them in a way that is fitting of God's desire for my life, even though I frequently fail (thanks to my ever present humanness...).
Praise God for his ever-present faithfulness to us in our lives, even as we struggle to handle the weight and difficulty of our days.
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