A Single Mama's Life

Phenomenal Woman

2012-01-14T18:38:00.000-08:00

This past semester was the most challenging to date. I felt overwrought; between school, children and work I could barely keep it together. Thankfully, this semester will yield a much more manageable schedule of a half-time school schedule again. I have such a short time left with the children being so young, and I want to be able to be my best self for them before they become school-agers and are only a part of my day when school is through.

Sometimes I feel like I am failing despite my strides. They are painfully slow. By now, I'd hoped to have so much more accomplished, and I have to constantly remain on my knees in prayer in order to keep my eyes focused on God's plan for me instead of my earthly goals. I know exactly what He wants of me right now, and it is to be there for my growing sons.

That said, I've had some of the most incredible situations present themselves lately. I'll be sharing some of them with you very soon. :)

Regardless of what life throws our way, we have to remember that we are PHENOMENAL, inside and out. God knows our triumphs, our struggles, and our heart's desire. When we simply talk with Him, read His word, and enjoy His presence, hope reigns in our hearts. Hope powers our day when circumstances take the joy out. He created us for a purpose. When we recognize that purpose and prayerfully submit to His will, everything begins to flow naturally. We don't just step, we glide.

Phenomenal Woman

BY MAYA ANGELOU

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can’t touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,

They say they still can’t see.

I say,

It’s in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Now you understand

Just why my head’s not bowed.

I don’t shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing,

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It’s in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need for my care.

’Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Life's "Little" Surprises

2011-11-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

I was inspired by something I read this morning. It was all about the surprise of a mom having twins... and it made me reminisce about some surprises that changed my life.

Surprise #1- I grew up in Southern California, and lived in the same house for 8 years. My whole family lived nearby, my mother taught at the school I attended, and we enjoyed being able to frequent Disneyland on a weekly basis. When I was 9, my Dad and Mom told us that we'd be moving. To IDAHO. I freaked out. I was going to lose all of my friends, my home, and my grandmother, who was currently battling cancer. One year after we moved, she lost her fight.

Blessing in disguise : Idaho was an incredible place to grow up. It humbled me in ways that I can't describe. I was able to live out a childhood dream. I have a garden, chickens and a house in the big woods. :) Although it was hard being away from my grandmother, I feel it may have been a blessing in disguise. Experiencing her daily deterioration may have been too much for me... I often wonder if God was in fact protecting me as a young girl. I was blessed by spending her last week with her, and being able to say goodbye the day before she died on Easter. It was a precious memory that lingers with me every time I think of her.

Surprise #2 - My husband deployed 5 days before our scheduled wedding. He joined the Army and was chosen to be a part of a non-deployable training unit in Louisiana, and three months after his arrival, they deployed for the first time since WWII with only 60 days notice. I found out on the day of my bridal shower! I lost out on all of my wedding deposits and we chose to be married by a justice of the peace in a hurry before he left.

Blessing in disguise: That was the first time I really learned to trust God above all else! I collapsed, cried and prayed like I've never prayed before. My adopted Mom took me into her arms and prayed with me right there. It was one of those moments you never, ever forget! It was a great indoctrination into the life of a military wife, that's for sure!

Surprise #3 - Finding out about my 2nd pregnancy, and then three days later finding out about my husband's infidelity. I was caring for him during an illness, and a picture of him kissing another woman popped up on his phone next to the nightstand. I collapsed, cried and became instantly sick myself.

Blessing in disguise: It gave me so much preparation for the journey I had ahead of me. I thought it was scary then, but what lay ahead paled in comparison to that moment! God was breaking it to me gently. I made a commitment to Him and working to fix my marriage. We went to counseling, talked things out we hadn't done in years, and began to heal. Unfortunately (at that point), it was too little, too late. I was blissfully unaware for a long time about the hurt my husband was experiencing from the war.

Surprise #4 - TWINS!

I can so vividly remember seeing this image on the screen. I thought for SURE this pregnancy was different because it was a GIRL..... but God had other surprises up his sleeve. When I saw the screen, it was a mess of limbs. I instantly panicked. I thought my baby was deformed, and I lay paralyzed with fear. I dared not speak for fear what she'd say. I finally mustered the strength to speak, and I asked the technician if the baby was a boy or girl. She said, "Which one?" I wept. I had been afraid about the state of my marriage and how I was going to cope while he was deployed, not even knowing about the impending divorce. I worried about EVERYTHING.... whether or not they would be "cheaters" someday to how I was going to physically deliver these guys after the difficult delivery I had of my oldest son and almost lost my life. Just 4 weeks after I found out that I was having twins, it was my 22nd birthday. My husband told me he was tired of living a lie and that he didn't love me anymore when we drove to Panama City, FL for my birthday dinner. It was devastating.

Blessing in disguise: If it hadn't been for the twins being born, I would have stayed and endured the continued abuse and secrecy, and divorce would have been in the cards eventually, anyway, with the continuing womanizing. Nothing helped me survive the pain of my divorce more than taking care of these two precious little angels. They are the absolute highlight of my life so far. ALL THREE!!!! I would never have coped as well as I did unless I had stayed so busy caring for them. Not a single surprise in my life has blessed me MORE than having twins. They make my heart grow exponentially every day.

Those are just a few of the "biggies", but I hope that it encourages you to remember that God ALWAYS has a plan - even (and especially) in the difficult times!

Newest Adventure

2011-10-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

Life continues to surprise me. :)

I'm in the midst of one of the busiest semesters I've had thus far. Education majors have lots of busy work in their curriculum, likely to prepare us for the large volume of simple tasks we'll have as educators. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed every day, but I'm more determined than ever to simply put one foot in front of the other.

The boys have been going to preschool just two and a half precious hours per day two days a week (three days for Will), and it's been a great opportunity for me to get some basic tasks done, such as grocery shopping. My school work is accomplished from 9pm-12, 1, or 2 in the morning. Not my best hours for feeling alert and productive! To be honest, I'm behind. I'm never behind.

My latest adventure is simply accomplishing everything I have in front of me with grace. Incredibly simple, but SO difficult! I've made a goal to never leave dishes in the sink, to keep the laundry bin as empty as possible, and to be 100% dedicated to playing with the kids during the day and doing homework when they're asleep at night. I've also made a commitment to myself to NOT accept too many invitations, NOT overwhelm myself with tasks, and NOT miss a single Bible study during the week (I'm currently attending three!). I love being around my friends who have a similar faith - it helps ground me in my own.

It's a difficult sacrifice, but I've noticed it paying off! They're becoming little boys now instead of toddlers.... it's such a beautiful thing!

What has been your latest adventure?

Suffering - Guest Blogger Liz Evan

2011-10-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

Liz is a dear friend of mine from my military wife days in Fort Rucker, Alabama. A fellow pilot's wife and musically gifted mother to two precious boys, she was a source of joy for me during my early days of motherhood when it was just William and I. I'm so grateful that God put her in my path! I think you'll enjoy her thoughts on suffering - it ministered to my heart today!

"So this week I’ve been thinking a lot about suffering, what it means to suffer, and my response to it. Of course, I’ve thought about suffering a great deal in the last 3+ years, but most of that thinking has been in avoidance of suffering, whenever possible.

In BSF we are studying Acts. This week one passage struck me particularly: Acts 5:40-41 (NIV): “They called the apostles in and had them flogged. Then they ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go. The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name.”

This struck me intently, because I suffer a great deal every day, not for the name of Christ, mind you, but it could be. I COULD suffer for His name, if I chose to rejoice in my suffering as Peter did, being thankful that God called me to this ordeal in my life. But I don’t do that. I don’t blame God for my pain, but neither do I thank Him for it.

So this verse in particular does not apply to my situation, because I never really suffer, not here in America, as far as being dishonored or shamed for the name of Christ. Sure, we’re mocked and held up as lunatics, but suffering? No. No one’s losing their life for Christ here in America.

That sent me on a search for suffering in the scriptures, as it more aptly applies to me. Here is what I found, regarding one’s response to suffering, using the HCSB translation:

Romans 8:18-25: “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us. ... we ourselves who have the Spirit as the firstfruits —we also groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. Now in this hope we were saved, yet hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience.”

RESONSE: HOPE

II Corinthians 1:4-6: “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so our comfort overflows through Christ. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is experienced in the endurance of the same sufferings that we suffer.”

RESPONSE: COMFORT OTHERS

James 5:10-11: “Brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the Lord's name as an example of suffering and patience. See, we count as blessed those who have endured. You have heard of Job's endurance and have seen the outcome from the Lord: the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.”

RESPONSE: ENDURE AND BE PATIENT

James 5:13: “Is anyone among you suffering? He should pray.”

RESPONSE: PRAY

I Peter 4:12-13: “Dear friends, when the fiery ordeal arises among you to test you, don't be surprised by it, as if something unusual were happening to you. Instead, as you share in the sufferings of the Messiah rejoice, so that you may also rejoice with great joy at the revelation of His glory.”

RESPONSE: REJOICE

I Peter 4:19: “So those who suffer according to God's will should, in doing good, entrust themselves to a faithful Creator.”

RESPONSE: DO GOOD AND TRUST GOD

Many of you may say these verses are referring to persecution. True that in their contexts many of them refer to persecution, as in the persecution of Christ and the early Church. But did not Christ also physically suffer? Didn’t Paul? It is on those bases that I use these in my current circumstance.

Boy, now that I see light at the end of the tunnel, albeit 2-3 years away, and I am determined in my recovery, NOW it is easier to have a spiritual response. Even then, learning what I should do and actually doing it are two different things. A Job I am not.

Thank the Lord for grace."

- Liz Smith Evan

Growing up...

2011-10-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

As I've grown in the post-divorce process, so have my children. It seems as though they became "kids" overnight. In the last week, some kind of switch has flipped and now they are ALL interested in big kid things.

We've gone on our first family bike ride (thanks to getting my bike repaired) and they all followed in a single file behind me pretty well. I felt like a mother duck taking her ducklings out for a spin.

I haven't enjoyed my children this much since they were born. I've always adored spending time with them, but this is a whole new level of awesomeness. At every turn, they have hilarious things to say and do. I find myself in a fit of giggles countless times during any given day. They have outgrown their Thomas the Tank Engine obsession and have moved on to several other interests - Spiderman, Ironman, Superman.... pretty much any heroic-looking guy with super powers. Their latest attempt at heroism involved tying dental floss to the bunk bed to try to swing from the post like Spiderman. It didn't work well, but watching them work was pretty adorable.

They have also begun the "tree climbing phase". Every day on the way to the car they attempt to climb what they call "The Squirrel Tree" despite the fact that they're usually in a hurry. I treasure every moment that I get to watch them at work. Children are so precious.

This fall will be the third year since my divorce. THREE years! With so much time buffering and protecting me from that painful chapter in my life, I feel like I'm finally beginning to heal. The last three years have been frantic and difficult, and though I tried to keep myself busy and keep pushing forward, it was overwhelming and frightening. I feel strong. I feel joyful. I feel GRATEFUL. I wouldn't do that again, that's for sure, but I certainly don't wish that any previous chapter of my life never happened. I don't regret marrying my husband, and I don't regret having three boys by the time I was 23. I don't regret choosing to leave nursing school to become a wife, mother and then going back to school only to change my major to education (it's EXACTLY what I am meant to do!). I don't even regret any single decision I made during the divorce process - I can look back and truly say that I did what was best for the situation, even though it felt scary at the time.

For the first time, I also feel that my past is more of an asset than a hindrance. The emotional steeling that occurred has proved infinitely more useful to me than anything else. Granted, I am still a tender-hearted woman, but I am able to look at things more objectively. I am also a much better advocate for myself. I've learned that I do know what is right, and to trust my judgement and intuition. After all, I have to live with the decisions I make, why not be my own accountability?

I was taught that submission as a Christian woman was paramount. I looked to my husband for his approval on everything I did - I didn't even wear the colors brown or purple for several years. What I neglected to understand at first that the MOST important person in my life was not my husband, it was GOD. Living for God first has made incredible changes in my daily life. It has enhanced my peace, my enjoyment of life and my feeling of calm accomplishment.

I think of and pray for all of you out there every day, and I hope that my experiences shared can help you to feel less alone. That's the whole point of this blog; sharing with an open heart in hopes that it will help or impact you in a positive way. May you feel God's comforting spirit this week in the midst of "life" as it happens!

Living Fearlessly

2011-09-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1 v 7

I lost a dear friend Saturday. He was 27 years old. A treasured man of God. A police officer. A guy who loved roses and asked me to photograph them for him at a local park. A man who helped me through some very difficult situations in the strictest confidence. A man who held my trust. This guy was the real deal. He was famous for loving pineapple and smiley faces.

"Franco: :D
Me: You and your smiley faces! LOL - what am I supposed to derive from this one?
Franco: Enlightenment, knowledge, justice, truth, peace, prosperity, a wellspring of joy, honor, love, patience, unwaivering diligence, and compassion. ;)"

It's so hard to believe he is gone, and it's so painful knowing that I won't be enjoying late-night conversations about intellectual or spiritual topics while he was on patrol in-between calls. I'm sad, but that's not why I am sharing this with you. Deeper in my heart, I'm joyful.... for two reasons. 1. I am grateful I was able to know him and for him to be a part of my life. 2. I KNOW that this man is now dancing with Jesus.

You'd think that learning about a friend's death would make me afraid, but the most important thing I learned from Jonathan Franco was how to live fearlessly.

I first met Jonny when we were at a singles Valentine's Day dinner that was organized for the twenty-somethings of our church. One of my oldest and dearest friends invited me to the event, and I begrudgingly agreed. After all, it was better than sitting at home! While I was there, I overheard his name and thought it sounded familiar, so I went up to him to introduce myself. I was a little bored, and wanted to make some new connections. He was so friendly - I introduced myself, and said, "But you probably won't remember that later," and he laughed that wonderful, one-of-a-kind Franco laugh insisting that he would, and that he did.
I ended up being seated next to him during the dinner and we became fast friends. He even shared his seafood cannelloni with me, insisting that it was the only thing he ever ordered there and waxing poetic about it's delicious attributes. I was completely floored by how genuine he was. When he found out that I was a single mom, he reached out to me although he barely knew me. Even asking him tough questions didn't faze him, nor did it discourage him from asking the tough ones back. Divorce. Abuse. PTSD. Politics. Faith. We covered it all. We both had the uncanny ability to smile through the discussion of deeply painful subjects. Something I wish more people could do - wouldn't life be so much more meaningful if we could talk about the "tough stuff" with a smile? Unafraid of pain?

Stephen, Myself and Jonny at dinner. :)

The very next day, he friended me on Facebook and asked for some photography advice for the eclipse (remembering that I was a photographer), and casually telling me exactly what model of camera I used that night to capture the image. Holy memory, Batman! It wasn't the first time he'd surprise me. He also made this photo his profile picture. The man jumped into friendship head-first.

From then on, he ignored social norms and reached out to help at any opportunity. Being divorced can tend to make people shy away from you, especially being a mom of three young sons. But, Jonny didn't think that way. He took the time to frequently encourage me, lift my spirits and simply make me smile, on a minimum of a weekly if not daily basis. He gave me advice when I was desperate and afraid, and he in turn was unafraid to ask me to pray for him about being a better Christian and about tough situations in the line of duty.

He was involved in our church on so many levels, making an impact on the youth of our community that will leave a permanent mark in our hearts. As a police officer, he was known for his honesty, fairness and caring for everyone he encountered, regardless of status.

Jonny left this earth doing what he loved, riding his motorcycle. It was the last day of summer weather for us here in North Idaho, one of the most perfect beautiful days I can remember. His last two Facebook statuses were to encourage us all to enjoy this last day of beautiful weather, and that he was headed for the "HAWT" springs in Canada. His positivity and desire to live his life enjoying God's creation and the company of good friends was his driving force until his very last moments. An hour after he posted, he was gone.

I woke up that morning to read those statuses, and took his advice to the letter. I scheduled a father-daughter date with my Dad at a local deli's Oktoberfest, soaking in the warm sun and telling my Dad that I loved him. I spent the afternoon wandering the Farmer's Market without an agenda, just taking it all in. I smiled all day. I ended the day with Stephen and several other friends with the boys in tow having a "gourmet weenie roast" over the fire. Kids were laughing, we were enjoying some adult conversation, and as the sun went down and the stars came out, I found out about Jonny's fate. God could not have put me in a better place at that moment to hear that devastating news.

It's been just four days, but it seems like much longer since I last heard his lilting laugh and read about his adventures, sharing his resonating joy.

In two days I will be celebrating my 27th birthday. The year Jonny made it to. My birthday celebration with my family will be on the day of his funeral service. This loss has made me realize just how precious life is. He is the last person on earth I would have guessed would have lost his life so young. I've known few people as vibrant and full of life as him. He reminded me of my deepest desire in life - to help others. My quote in the yearbook senior year was by Mother Teresa, "The only way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." He did that very thing every single day.

I want this year to be one that would honor his memory. I want to live more fearlessly for the Lord than ever before. This one's for you, Jonny.

A poem for you...

2011-08-17T12:42:00.000-07:00

Letting Go Takes Love

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
   it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
   it's the realization I can't control another.To let go is not to enable,
   but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
   the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
   it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
   but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
   but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
   but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
   but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
   it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
   but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
   but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
   but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
       andTo let go and to let God, is to find peace !Remember: The time to love is short ------ author unknown

Circumstance vs. State of Mind

2011-08-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

You know this kind of day - you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, thought your toothbrush was deodorant and put it in your armpit (and THEN turned it on...), missed every green light on the way to work and lost a major project due to a technical glitch. A circumstantial nemesis.

It may seem like things will never get better, and you're right, they may not. You may go on to spit tomato soup all over a comedic co-worker who told you a joke just after a nice long sip. You may also break a 400.00 piece of equipment due to wistfully thinking about your amazing weekend instead of concentrating on the task at hand.

However, when we re-direct our focus to the more permanent, our spiritual lives and God's purpose for us, these things fade in importance and in their effect on our peaceful state of being. No matter how much we drift or even run from God's presence, there is something about his ability to draw us back that is kind of magical. Our Heavenly Father loves us more than we can imagine, and it's comforting to know that no matter how hectic or crazy our lives get, He is always there, waiting with a warm embrace and words of wisdom. We may think we have all the answers on how to live, but when we find ourselves in another pit of our own digging, unable to escape, we turn again to His holy Word and remember what our true purpose is.

Imagine for a moment the impact we can have on another person in the same circumstances. How many people could we lift up in any given day simply with a kind word and a helping hand? That overwhelmed mother with three kids in tow at the grocery store may like a helping hand with the door. An old woman struggling to take out her trash can may appreciate a helping hand. A friend may need a silly joke sent to them on their phone.

God promised us that in this life we WOULD see trouble. ""I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33
In spite of this, He continues to lead us through every single type of difficulty with a loving hand, bringing all negative circumstances to their knees for our good. He teaches us patience, endurance and hope.... and those are things that are more valuable than any earthly victory.

What circumstance do you want to overcome today? Who will you be able to help overcome theirs?

Winds of change

2011-08-04T10:03:00.000-07:00

It would appear that my life is completely unrecognizable from what it was a year ago.

So many things in my circumstances have improved, but the most noticeable changes are those that are going on in my heart.

1. I've stopped believing that my marriage could have been saved.
- I've realized through repeated trial and error that it was something beyond salvaging, nor would I have wished anything could have been different about the way I handled it. I gave him grace when it was undeserved, and even though it causes me some problems now, I'm still proud of what I did in spite of his vitriol at the time. It has taught me what it truly means to "turn the other cheek", and it humbles me even greater in the shadow of Christ's sacrifice.

2. I've fully realized my worth and the qualities I value.
- During years of emotional trauma in my marriage, I lost myself. I was so worried about trying to help my then husband that I forgot to take care of me. After three years of recovering from a devastating divorce, raising twins and a toddler alone and going to school to finish my degree, I can see how much I'm really capable of. I've learned that I have great qualities that can, at times, move mountains.

3. I've stopped being afraid of my ex.
- When he used to threaten me against doing something, or demanded that I never wear brown, I acquiesced. I thought that was what a true Christian wife was. However, I learned that a Christian husband respects his wife's leading by God first even before his influence over her. I've learned that God made us as partners, not dictators.

4. I've stopped being afraid of life "coming to get me".
- I have started to accept circumstantial change as natural and fluid. People will let us down. We'll lose sometimes. Things will break, get lost and cost us money that we at times don't have. God is the one who has true control over life, and even if I try to protect, fix, help or modify any of it, ultimately God's will is going to be done. I've learned that I simply need to put each footstep where God directs it and leave the rest to Him.

5. I've gained more faithful friends than I've ever had.
- My new-found self esteem has enabled me to be choosier with who I trust, and I've never been happier with the group of people I have chosen to surround me and share my triumphs and my sorrows. The test of a true friend is loyalty and faith, and they've all passed with flying colors on all too many occasions. I've learned that having negative, "fair weather" friends poisons my soul.

6. The right man will love you right where you are.
- I spent so much time trying to make myself outwardly beautiful enough for a new guy in my life, but God was working even more fervently on my inner beauty all along. It's that inner beauty that lasts beyond wrinkles and gray hair. Ultimately, the best guys I've dated have been attracted to my heart first, and my appearance second. I've learned that if you're dating, worry less about what your date looks like and more about what he acts like.

What are some of the most powerful lessons you've learned over this past year?

Easier?!?

2011-07-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a close friend of mine who had a 3 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old and then triplets, and asked her when life with multiples would get easier.

"Oh, at 3. 3 is definitely easier."

The other day, I went over to her house asking her if indeed she was mistaken, because I'm telling you.... three is NOT easier. She acquiesced that it's actually 5. I laughed in response - likely when they're 5 I'll go to her and she'll say 7.

I've decided, parenting never gets "easier". It just changes.

When the twins were little, I can vividly remember wondering how I would even make it through the day. From having to sanitize bottles, to enduring screaming for no apparent reason, to constantly disrupted sleep, I thought I'd seen the worst parenting had to offer. Of course, the incredible love I felt for these precious children outweighed any difficulty, but I did have my moments questioning my abilities as a mother.

But, as they get older, I've noticed that life with children only gets busier and more complicated! The little blessings given to me by God are now growing into little people, with very lively personalities and energy that shames any electric power plant. I find myself running, running, running after three little busy Tazmanian devils wooooooshing their way through my house and yard, disrupting everything in their path, and at the end of the day there is very little energy left to accomplish tasks *I* want to finish.

It's what I call "survival mode".

Everyone always says, "Ah, childhood. It goes by so fast! Don't blink, or you'll miss the most cherished years of your child's life." I believe them. Some Fridays I wonder where the week went! Although school, house cleaning, social and work obligations pull on me from every different direction, I refuse to let my own comfort affect the time I spend with my children.

I still pause with them to smell one of the fantastic roses from the garden, pick strawberries, play with trucks in the sand, and even challenge them to a game (or two) of Mario Kart. I want my children to know me. To cherish our relationship. To be able someday to come to me with their troubles and feel safe enough to talk them out.

Yesterday I had a little victory with Will. He hit his brother in an argument over an Ironman mask, and I sent him to time out for 5 minutes for the action, explaining again the importance of keeping our hands to ourselves after an argument. About halfway through his punishment, he said, "Mommy, I still love you even when I'm on time out."

Sigh. He understands.

It will be challenging, painful and even soul-wrenching at times, but I'm so grateful that God saw me fit to be a mother to these sweet boys, even if it is all by myself.

Mission Accomplished

2011-06-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

After 20 weeks of training and pushing myself beyond what I thought I was capable of, I am a marathon finisher! I completed the 26.2 miles just 11 seconds under my goal of finishing in 7 hours according to the official times. Averaging 16 minutes per mile was tough on my body, and I've been resting as much as I could... but somehow three little boys keep me "on my toes". Imagine that! :)

For those of you who are interested in my experience, here's a little synopsis of the events:

I woke up the morning of the race to the most incredible sunrise, and showed up at the start line at around 5am. It was about 50 degrees, so I was really happy - that's the exact kind of weather I've been training in. It was like an arctic blast of air conditioning the entire time. There was a group of about 60 other people starting at that time, and when the course opened at 5:30 am, I was ready. I walked the first two miles to warm up, and then began to run/walk the duration of the course. I felt surprisingly energetic through the first 13 miles, and running along the lake was an incredible way to start the race.

I met up with my mother who was also running the course (a LOT faster than me!) when I was at about my mile 12 and she was at mile 15, giving her a hug and quickly pushing on. My two younger brothers were our support crew, and they met us at crucial points to give us sports drinks and food to re-fuel. They were so positive and motivating! I'm one lucky girl.

A significant mistake I made was trying to consume one of the "gel packs" for fuel..... it has the consistency of double-thick Vaseline. I had to stop for several minutes to try to choke it down. Never again! The other mistake I made was at mile 14, when I decided to lace my shoes much tighter. It felt better for my legs, but ended up leaving bruises on the tops of my feet. By the end of the race, I could barely walk because of the foot pain. Mile 25 seemed to stretch on forever, but I had made a commitment to myself to run through the pain, now increasing in intensity with every step. Ciara's "Work" was my power song that I played on repeat at the end.... it kept my feet moving!

When I could see the finish line, I started to cry. All the hard work I'd put into making it here was finally over, and fruitful. Although I trained with the goal in mind, I didn't think I could actually do it. Really. Training had taken over all of my free time, but I still didn't feel ready. And yet... there I was. My feet carried me there, somehow!

Of course, in true single mom fashion, I had to take care of the boys immediately following the marathon. The grandparents dropped them off at 12:35, six minutes after I'd completed the race. I was limping, and they thought it was pretty funny. Will was distressed though, "Mommy, I prayed for you that you wouldn't get hurt, but you look hurt. Did I not pray hard enough?" This broke my heart! I responded, "Will, thank you so much for praying for me. I am only sore from running sooooooo far. I'll be better very soon!" I love my sweet boys. My dad took care of them when I took an ice bath, (which sounds awful, but it really helps with my recovery!) and then I took them all home so I could attempt to enjoy some couch time. Shane was particularly helpful as "errand boy" - he brought me fresh bags of frozen peas for my feet and knees, and made sure my feet were always covered with the blanket. ;) We all watched Disney movies until it was time for bed.

The next day was the worst pain-wise, but we went up to the kids' grandparent's house again for a Memorial Day barbecue, and I was able to sit with my legs propped up while they ran around the ranch. Today I'm nearly back to normal, and feeling very grateful for everyone who helped me on this journey!

The question now is: what do I want to conquer next?

My Marathon Journey

2011-05-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever done something that didn't make any sense at all, but gave you a new perspective and energized you with joy?

A couple of months ago, I got the crazy idea that I'd like to run a marathon. This began a new chapter in my life and how I define motherhood.

The idea began brewing just as I'd completely given up on keeping up my appearance and weight. I'd dated 20+ guys since the divorce, hadn't found anyone worth spending time with who would also accept my sons, and felt like any effort I put forth in my fitness was for nothing. I wasn't finding "Mr. Right", so going to the gym wasn't necessary, right?

I put on about 20 extra pounds after two challenges I set before myself this summer. One was to bake a loaf a bread a day for a month, and the other was to make a pie a week for two months. No wonder. :)

Around February, I felt pretty depressed and tired all the time. I prayed about a solution, and it came almost immediately.

The weight had to come off, and fitness had to be my priority - but this time, not for a guy.... for myself. When my mother completed her 6th marathon, I decided to jump on that bandwagon and surprise her for Mother's Day with my registration for a 26.2 miler, just like her. I began researching training methods immediately, got a Nike+ chip for my iPod to calculate my distances and record my workouts, and started running 20 miles per week, every week.

Naturally, being the bundle of excitement that I am, I broke the news to her about a month early. We went shopping for running shoes that very day. It gave me an opportunity to bond with her in a way that I haven't been able to do in years.

We both ran Bloomsday, a local 7.5 mile course, and I met my goal time of 1:37 minutes, 3 minutes under the time I'd set for myself. I've officially caught the running bug!

Now that I'm just two weeks away from the big event, the pinnacle of my training is this week before I taper off. All I want to do is complete it. I don't have any lofty goals about keeping a 10 minute per mile pace, or even of breaking 6 hours. I just want to finish in one piece. I want to show my sons that no matter what your circumstances, you can achieve your goals and finish the race you've undertaken. I want to be fit and healthy, and have a hobby that is free (save the running shoes).

So, who am I running for? My sons. I want to be the kind of mother that they can truly be proud of, and that can keep up with them. Wish me luck! It's crunch time.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:10

On to summer!

2011-05-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting with my morning coffee, sun on my shoulders from the window, with the sound of Sesame Street in the background. I'm thoroughly enjoying the moment. It's the first morning since school started in January that I don't have a single stressful deadline looming overhead, and my only goal for the day is to be "Mom". Being a student-mother is incredibly stressful. Keeping your mind in a "learning mode" is stressful as it is, without the worries of parenthood compounding that process. The last few weeks were incredibly demanding of my time, and it left the kids feeling lonely. At their preschool, we write "love notes" back and forth often. The most recent one broke my heart! Here is the note I got from Will:

As much as I wish I could stay home with my kids until they were five with no other responsibilities except to make them feel safe, secure and loved, I don't have that option anymore. However, I sit here triumphant because I met all my goals and completed the semester with excellent grades and most of the semester was able to give the kiddos the attention they required, stay home and care for them when they were sick, and use my new skills to teach them all the letters and their sounds. The two hour (total) daily commute, long, snowy winter and flu season are behind us.

This weekend I'll be taking the kids to our local theme park, and I can't wait to give them the best of my time! We asked the family to contribute to season passes for the summer, and we can go every day if we want for a couple hours to tire the littles out a bit. It's only a few minutes away from my doorstep, so we don't even have to worry about the cost of food in the park. What wonderful memories we will be able to make!

In January, I had no idea I'd be able to make it here. Now that I've completed this crucial step in my education and in my life after divorce, I'm so grateful that I took the leap!

What have you accomplished lately on your list of short or long-term goals? What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Maintaining Momentum

2011-04-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'm doing it all, but just barely!

I have several large projects going on right now. I'm training for my first marathon in May (since mid-February), I'm in the last weeks of school for the semester, gearing up for summer semester, finishing up some started plants inside, caring for the chickens, spring cleanup in the yard (which is a large undertaking for me because I live in the country surrounded by trees - a lot of leaves and branches!), the blog, photography clients, a weight loss challenge with friends and most importantly, raising my sons to be good citizens and kind-hearted men. It may sound like a lot, and it is. But, someone once told me, "If you want something done, ask the busiest person you know." I'm that kind of person - the more I do, the more I CAN do.

I've gotten some major milestones out of the way this week as well. I've planned my academic calendar for the next two years with my university advisor (and finally have a graduation date- Fall 2013!), arranged for preschool for all three boys next year much closer to my house and for 1/3 of the price I was paying previously, I've begun booking for summer photography events, and arranged for my summer classes to be taken online instead of in person so I can stay home with the boys and spend the summer taking them to our local theme park, just five minutes away, and to California (and Disneyland) to visit family.

The struggle these days is just to maintain the momentum I went into the semester with, and to finish strong. I'm also training myself to do that with my running.

This is all new to me - I've NEVER been a runner. In cheerleading, I was always the LAST one back on the lap around the school, which was all we did. I am pretty sure asthma contributed to it, but now that I have that under control, I want to conquer it. I began with 3 miles at a time of jogging/walking, and I'm up to 6 miles run/jogging at this point. It feels incredible. I took on outdoor running for the first time down the country road by my house, and it was amazing.

You see and experience your surroundings in a whole new way when you're on foot. The clouds were big and puffy, with the backdrop of a bright blue sky and sunshine, the weather was a cool but comfortable 60 degrees, and the fields are beginning to turn a bright emerald green from all the rain and milder temperatures. Just the feeling of the warm sun on my face, the lively, happy music on my iPod, and the new pair of running shoes on my feet made me feel like I could soar. So many things are coming together, for me and for my sons. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. In my marriage, there were so many things that I was told I couldn't do or shouldn't do (like school or wearing the color brown), and I feel set free in so many ways. My sole focus remains raising great children and nurturing my spirit with His guidance. To do His work. To learn His lessons, and accomplish His goals. I can do all of this now without hindrance or worry.

I couldn't help but praise God the entire time for the feeling of joy consuming my spirit as I glided past farms, fields, streams and the occasional deer. Flowers are beginning to emerge now that spring is approaching, and I felt just like that - a woman ready to bloom.

The Secret

2011-03-28T14:21:00.000-07:00

So often people ask me what "my secret" is. Those who know me well already know the "secret", but they may not realize it.

How do I do everything that I do?

Answer: my house is almost never "clean". I spend too much time cleaning up things like this....

Oops! That's what I get for folding laundry downstairs!

There are two reasons for this. 1. If I *did* keep the house sparkling, I'd freak out that much more when the boys messed it up. 2. It takes two days to clean one days' worth of the mess my boys can make. Example above.

Just to clarify - I don't live in a pit of germs and old food and disgusting-ness. It's just not *sparkly* the way I'd want it to be. Being a little obsessive/compulsive about tidiness isn't helpful, because in my mind I'm constantly tearing apart all the ways in my mind that my home could be more beautiful, but it's been a profound lesson in patience and looking beyond my current circumstances.

The outdoor dirt festival.

One day, I thought to myself, "I wish the boys weren't here so that I could have a clean house for once!!!" But then, I really gave this thought a once-over, and I realized how LONELY a sparkling clean, EMPTY house could be. If it always stayed clean, there wouldn't be any morning snuggles, play dough playtimes, crafts with 20 google eyes glued to them, or adorable little "chefs" stirring the brownie mix and accidentally splattering some on the wall. To me, I'll take the mess if it means I get three precious sons in return.

The three little explorers.

So, today - instead of sending them off to preschool on spring break so I could begin day one of spring cleaning, I kept them home and played with them all morning. We learned all about gardens, how seeds grow, the differences between veggies and flowers, rode bikes and read stories. I have about three loads of laundry and some dishes sitting idle, but I can get to those during nap time.

After all, chores don't grow up and leave you behind, they're ALWAYS there.

Continuing the climb

2011-03-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a LONG while since my last post - mainly because I've completely overloaded my schedule. I am the kind of person who needs short term, long term and "dream" goals in constant rotation in order to feel alive.

Current goals:

1. Continue to give my children the attention and enrichment they deserve.
2. Run a 5k in the spring (5 miles to run a day for 3 days a week).
3. Grow my garden from seed, and build raised beds filled with good-quality soil.
4. Finish the semester with no lower than a B in Chemistry. Harder than it sounds! (This requires 6+ hours of studying and homework in a week by itself!)
5. Maintain a good house cleaning schedule so I don't get overwhelmed.

What types of goals are you setting for yourself in the next 3 months? In the next year? Dream big!

Never, ever give up!

2011-02-19T14:54:00.000-08:00

I just had a little bit of a breakthrough. I have an A in Chemistry (so far). I have NEVER gotten A's on assignments in Chemistry.

I have always thought I wasn't good at math and science, and true - they are not my strengths. I don't enjoy studying them, I don't grasp the concepts easily. I pretty much suck at them in every way imaginable.

*But*, this time when I take this course, I am taking a different approach. I am tirelessly, relentlessly exhausting every tool at my disposal to "get" concepts I don't understand. I'm stopping at nothing to achieve my goal, true, lasting comprehension of the topics we cover. From asking friends in class to making my younger, smarter brother my personal chemistry problem call center, I've found the secret to my success. Not only in this, but a life-lesson in how to achieve goals.

Never, EVER give up just because it is the 'easy' way out. Don't let a roadblock stop you. The only thing that should ever stop us is God's leading. When I feel a profound sense of unease about taking a certain project on, I do not move forward. But this was something I knew I needed to accomplish, and to knock out of the park.

So much of re-building after a painful divorce involves finding yourself, being able to accurately measure your abilities, and see your true potential. When we look past the labels we were given before and especially during and after the divorce handed to us from our exes, we can tend to lean toward an "empty shell" personality. When we live vibrantly, seeking out color and light wherever we go, and contributing to the joy of others through honest, fearless interaction seasoned with grace, there are no limits to our achievements.

Holidaze

2011-02-15T13:24:00.000-08:00

I've noticed two things on Facebook lately:

Some people really HATE Valentine's Day.

Some people really LOVE Valentine's Day.

What do these two people have in common? They value love. If the holiday were just a "love" day and not a "show off to the rest of the world by buying something expensive for your significant other or you'll feel like a loser (especially if you're single) day", it would be a completely different news feed. Can you imagine it?

"May God bless you and may you feel the depth of His love," or "I LOVE my FRIENDS! Happy Valentine's Day!"

So many holidays are isolating experiences for those who either do not share the faith, have lost family members (or their entire family), are enduring financial hardships, or are single. This doesn't mean we can't each find a way to make every holiday meaningful to US, individually.

I have been single for three Valentine's Days post-divorce, and the first two were awful. Not only does the day co-incide with our anniversary, AND a day of "love", AND the day I found out my spouse was cheating and using my credit card for a weekend away with his lover, AND the day I found out about their baby on the way, but the sincere outward displays of love from others to each other were difficult to endure with the wrong mindset.

No one owes me anything. I'm not entitled to have a romantic relationship, it's a treasure. It is not a common finding to have true, real romantic love. I'd rather be alone and an excellent mother to my boys than be in a relationship that is not of God's architecture. When I pray for my heart rather than wallow in the hurt of loneliness, joy finds its way in. Despite my "past" with this holiday, God secures my future daily with a renewed sense of belonging to Him and his UNENDING love.

How awesome is that?

I went out with one of my oldest friends here in Idaho, Steve. We're both single and genuinely enjoy each other's company, and we had the most amazing weekend! I hosted a "singles" party at my house and made dinner for some dear friends, then on Monday we went out to a favorite Italian restauraunt with a big group and laughed all night.

I also did some special things with the boys - and made them little baskets of goodies to wake up to and share with their preschool class. Here's a photo I snapped of them before we left the house. They were my favorite Valentines!

Two years ago I'd never imagine how lovely this holiday could be, and all it took was a change of HEART. :)

Home Improvement

2011-01-25T00:26:00.000-08:00

It's 12:09 and I just finished tiling my laundry room. For real.

I had a long day of chemistry lecture, homework, preschool packing, unpacking, little boy quality time singing the "Go Diego Go" theme song at least 12 times, dishes, dinner, Costco trip, Home Depot, and watching a friend's kids.

I just HAD to do something for me.

Did I want to watch "The Bachelor"? No. Read? No. I wanted to complete a home improvement project! Sometimes I wonder about myself...

I started at around 9:30 just as soon as my little rustlers went to bed, and finished about 12:03. And, I couldn't be more proud. Peel and stick vinyl tile has come a long way, and for those of you wanting to inexpensively and easily cover up some ugly - check out my before and after:

Icky, icky cement floor with my washer and dryer (with a few tiles down - photo was an afterthought).

Beautiful, new peel and stick tile flooring! It only cost 25.00 to completely cover this area, and I have extras in case some get damaged. :)

I have a new washer and dryer coming in on Wednesday since this pair is about to bite the dust, and now the room is ready for its arrival. Can't wait! With as much laundry as I do, I absolutely need something that works well.

All I had was a pair of kitchen shears, a pencil, a straight edge and my brain. Yep - it was awesome. This weekend I plan on getting a new coat of paint on the wall if I have time, and to paint the pantry door.

Take that, icky floor! Super single mom, to the rescue!

Step at a time.

2011-01-20T10:41:00.000-08:00

I'm fully engrossed in the "back to school" schedule now, but all I can think about is summer at Silverwood with my boys. Swimsuits and sunburns and little boy giggles.

I am so glad that I'm able to finish my degree, and that I still get to spend more days at home with my kids than away. With a great deal of organization and remaining dedicated to the task at hand, I'm slowly chipping away at my "to do list" for my long term goals.

I have class on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and the kids go to preschool. That means packing three nutritious lunches and three winter coats and, three changes of clothes daily (in case of accidents). It also means that every Monday I have to pack three sets of mittens, three snow suits, three pairs of snow boots, and three blankets and pillows, and make sure that they are prepared for whatever special lesson they take part in each day. Just that aspect of my preparation alone can be overwhelming.

Plus, getting out the door can be an adventure in itself - I liken it to wrestling and herding greasy wildabeasts. Depending on the weather, I have to deter them from running amok in the yard exploring either the rain or the snow, and if it's sunny from dashing to their bikes in an attempted "quick ride" before we head off to school. They're getting big enough that they're too heavy to physically carry to the car, and very little motivates them to follow directions.

They have learned through experience that the "raptor" tactic of acting as a coordinated group works seamlessly every time they have a similar goal in mind. Wordlessly they communicate their plan, then immediately act. Running at top speed in three different directions puts me completely at the mercy of how fast my legs can take me. I track each one down, haul him back to the car, put him in his car seat. Then I run off to the next one, return to the car to secure the second offender, only to find the first detainee out of his seat and pushing the button that turns on the hazard lights. We play a "you can't get me game" and I secure detainee one, then run after the third escapee. By now, I'm gasping for air and questioning my decision to try to leave my house. The third one, William, always comes when he's called when he realizes he's been had. Thankfully. When we finally get into the car and I back away, inevitably someone has a "bathroom emergency" and needs to be rushed inside to the potty. We return to the car and finally leave.

We then arrive at the daycare center, which is where there is the inevitable fight over who can push the handicapped access button on the door, which typically ends in a screaming tantrum for at least one of the boys. After somehow managing to carry all their supplies in like a pack mule (the pile is easily bigger than I am), and getting them all inside safely, my intellectual day begins.

Parking is always a nightmare, but I show up an hour early to stalk my prey and secure a place well before I have to walk to class to ease my transition. I sit and read my Kindle for the entire hour, or study flashcards, or call a friend in silence. To be honest, this silence is a rare treat. Instead of being bored, I relish it. Especially at my school, which has no shortage of beautiful vantage points to enjoy the morning sun.

Then class, then home, then speed clean. Then pick up boys. Then begin the afternoon routine of getting dinner together and the BLESSED "Go Diego Go!". Then bedtime. Then sleep. Then wake again at 6am to begin a day of homework and study WITH said wildabeasts at my side, attempting to give them the attention they need as well as the schoolwork that I am required to complete and understand. No small task.

It's all a pretty little blur right now. I'm simply putting one foot in front of the other daily in order to arrive at my final exciting destination - self-sufficiency post-divorce.

What mountains are you climbing lately? Please share.

Daily Comfort Rituals

2011-01-08T17:47:00.000-08:00

As mothers (and as women in general), we so often take care of others that we can tend to forget the value of self-care. What have you done for YOU today?

Being that life can be so crazy for me, especially with three little guys, I try to set aside 30 minutes a day of strict ME time. Either when they go to bed or before they wake up, I dream up something little that is accessible here in the house and make my own mini-sanctuary for a time.

Sometimes it's a bathtub and a bottle of wine. Others it's a book and some quiet music before bed. Still others it's a morning outdoors with a hot cup of coffee watching the sunrise. In the summertime, it's time with my iPod and my garden, weeding and pruning and staking. One of my favorites is when the kids take an unexpected nap (those are rare these days), and I get to snuggle up in bed for a mid-afternoon nap. Of course, I have to set the alarm for 30 minutes, otherwise my sleep schedule would be completely thrown off!

Other things that I enjoy:

Catching up on my favorite blogs.

Reading a new magazine.

Sorting through my clothes to keep things I use most (saves headaches later and organization makes me smile).

Planning a future activity (garden for spring, a home project).

Giving myself a foot massage.

Light a candle and write in my journal.

Pick up some music online for my iPod - I rarely do this for myself!

Wash my sheets in a deliciously scented laundry soap (like white lilac).

Eating chocolate. Simple yet effective.

Spraying perfume in my room before I go to bed.

Reading by the window.

Filling my bird feeders (if you don't have one, get some!).

Organize old family photos.

Sing and dance along to some happy music for absolutely no reason.

What are some things you enjoy? Consider making a list of favorites to put on your fridge, so that when you're feeling the "mommy blues" or just down in the dumps, you'll give yourself the lift you need to keep on keepin' on!

Spring (Semester) Cleaning!

2011-01-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

It's that time again! School starts in a week, and my house is just barely recovering from the holidays. Today I'm finally putting away all the ornaments, decorations and the like in red and green bins to be stashed in the garage until next year. This is the first year I've purchased holiday-specific bins, and for 4 dollars, I have a feeling they'll be worth their weight in gold. I also managed to shape up my office, which was getting a bit bedraggled under the weight of a bunch of excess paperwork that wasn't properly stored.

The serenity that is my office.

I'm also doing a few other things in the coming weeks to make my life this semester easier:

1. Taking out any and all clothes that don't fit or are stained beyond saving and donating/trashing/cutting into cleaning rags anything that I don't plan on using in the near future. (CHECK)

2. Straightening all drawers in my house, and organizing their contents.
     Bedroom drawers: I use old shoe boxes to house socks, underwear, bras and hosiery separately.
     Kitchen drawers: I bought a collection of adjustable drawer organizers at a local superstore for ten dollars.

3. Dumping out all the toys in a giant pile, and doing my quad-annual sort/toss. Most of the toys are going to the kids' preschool, (they asked for donations - perfect) and FOUR BAGS LATER, there is plenty of room for everything to have a place again. (CHECK)

4. Cleaning out behind, under and inside the couches. This took me a good half hour to do for my love seat and chairs. I found game pieces, a pair of underwear one of the boys stuffed under there when they had an accident, countless matchbox cars, a stash of cookies, a flashlight, twelve dollars and a couple melted popsicles. Yikes! (CHECK)

5. Repairing any minor broken items and getting necessary replacements from the local Habitat Re-Store. They have tons of stuff for a tiny fraction of the big box home store.

6. Planning out my garden and ordering seeds for spring, so I am ready when the weather turns.

7. Clearing out any old craft supplies I no longer use from my office, so I can outfit it to grow some seedlings.

8. Taking out any old novels and magazines I don't plan on reading right away to donate or sell. (CHECK)

9. Taking the spring/summer clothes from last year that the boys have outgrown and trade it in at my local consignment store.

10. Getting my carpets professionally cleaned with some left over Christmas money.

Wshew! This will be a lot of work, but I'm checking things off the list every day. What do you have laying around the house that is cluttering up your life and makes it hard to relax? Is your bedroom a haven or a stress-magnet? What things could you do in the next couple weeks to make your life easier?

Same old new year!

2011-01-01T18:03:00.000-08:00

First day of 2011 - and I particularly like the date - 1/1/11. At home it was a gorgeous, sun-shining, snow-covered day. Days like these are my favorite in the winter. I'm increasingly grateful for my wonderful little home and the people that enter it as friends. The landscape today was so breathtaking that I was instantly filled with joy just looking outside. While it's a pain to shovel, it sure does make everything somewhat magical. The way it sparkled in the sunlight.... *sigh*.

While so many people went out on the town, living it up (like I did last year), I had not only unexpected illness to keep me indoors but also had no desire to be anywhere but home. I'm so happy and totally at peace this year, and being here makes my heart full. I played Hungry Hungry Hippos until my abs hurt from laughing at these dear, competitive boys, made Sprite and OJ drinks for the little guys, and put them to bed at their usual time to enjoy some peace and quiet for myself. I cleaned, I read while enjoying a glass of perfect wine, caught up on some organizing, and prayed. A lot.

They were mostly prayers of praise and thankfulness. Just enduring the difficulty of divorce and coming out on the other side of the damage from the anvil's drop largely unscathed was enough for me. I wake up every day now with such a sincere joy. A hope that cannot be doused. I know, without a doubt, that making it through that dark time taught me so many ways to cope with difficulty and pain, that I feel ready for whatever life throws my way. Granted, I know it won't be easy, but the most important thing I absorbed was the knowledge that "Tomorrow is another day," and I don't have to carry what happened yesterday into my tomorrows.

This year, I have a greater sense of calm and peace than I have ever had. I joyfully look forward to what today holds, and hope to simply exist with gladness regardless of what my circumstances hold throughout the year. I'm very much the same, and 1/1/11 is just another day, but I am grateful that the New Year will be full of new blessings and experiences that are yet unknown.

So, the first day in my new year has nothing to do with resolutions, flashy goals or lofty expectations. I'm simply moving one step at a time in the direction that I feel is best for me and my boys. Nourishing my soul. Building their character. Securing our future.

Just a simple, normal, everyday life.

Facing my fears

2010-12-27T18:48:00.000-08:00

Just when you think you absolutely, positively can't do something, you surprise yourself and do it.

For ten years, I'd looked at the Idaho Face run on Lookout Pass Ski Resort's map and cringed in fear. From the base of the mountain, you can clearly see it looming where the ski lift disappears over its summit. As you ride the chair, you watch all the accomplished "expert" skiers easily tackle it with speedy flair.

I would watch year after year as I passed it by, envious of those who were gutsy enough to take it on.

My mother had invited me to go skiing with her, my aunt and my littlest brother yesterday, and I never intended on taking on this monster before my trip. In fact, I was quite worried about how I'd do, being that I don't work out all that often and I'm a mom. For some reason, in my mind, the fact that I'm a mother makes me limit myself into thinking I can't do certain things, anymore... if ever again.

So, when I was ascending the mountain on the lift, I surprised even myself when I decided that today would be the day I took that ominous run on, mano-a-womano.

When I was about 11, my two year younger brother had asked me to accompany him on that run, and I thought I might be able to handle it. I'd been skiing since I was 3, so I thought to myself, "How hard can it be? Especially if my younger brother speeds down it frequently?" We got off the lift, proceeded to the drop off point, and as I looked over the edge, my breath caught and I watched breathlessly as my brother plummeted over the edge. There was NO WAY I was going to follow him, I thought. Ever.

Fast forward to my "moment" of decision. I was going to tackle this fear, and today was going to be the day. I again exited the lift with great confidence in my ability, and headed toward the "cliff". The first drop was the steepest, and if you fell, there would be no going back. You simply had to complete the run. I crept slowly up to the edge, pretending to watch the lift for someone I was missing, and could physically feel myself shaking in my ski boots. I stood and stood, noticing occasional laughter and comments from those still on the lift watching this silly girl in a pink ski coat nervously peering over the edge.

Their laughter spurred me on - reminding me that sometimes you have to look fear straight in the face and stick your tongue out at it, and pursue your goal.

I pushed off.

I skidded and fell, right on my butt - splayed out for everyone on the lift to see. My biggest fear. I didn't look when I heard the laughter increase. I simply got up, checked my gear and continued with a different approach, focusing only on the next ten feet ahead of me. A couple dozen parallel turns later, I realized I made it past the worst part, and then it was smoother sailing for a couple dozen more. Then, another drop off. But this time, I was ready. I knew how to handle it, and navigated the precipice with relative ease.

At the end, it was the part of the run I was familiar with (a lot of other paths collide with this one) and I headed back down the mountain to do it again.

I won.

What have you conquered lately?

A Single Mama's Christmas

2010-12-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

This is the first year I actually feel settled into my single mom role. To make my holiday easier, I did a few things I've learned over the last couple of years that made the whole holiday run more smoothly.

A close up of our tree.

The three guys eating the gingerbread house they made.

The most important thing I did, however, was to lower my expectations of creating a "perfect" holiday. There really is no such thing! I'm taking it one day at a time and doing what I can, and not worrying about the rest. The point is that my sons get to have a relaxing, happy day and feel loved, and that's exactly what I'm aiming to accomplish. We did some amazingly fun things this holiday season; we built a gingerbread house, took a train ride with Santa on a 1950's era dinner train, toured the neighborhoods around our home "hunting" for Christmas lights with hot chocolate several times, attended a few kid friendly holiday parties, built toy trains at a Lowe's workshop, went to breakfast with Santa at a local hotel, went sledding, and best of all, jumped in the snow in our pajamas during the first big snowfall.

The "Christmas Express" train - for military families and their children. :)

The big guy pulling the two little guys. :)

My little men jumping in the snow in their PJ's - an idea they came up with all on their own. :) I had blankets fresh out of the dryer waiting on them after their five minute romp was over!

The three little guys waiting for their train ornament from Santa.

The sad little poinsettia!

There have been many disasters along the way, too - but that's to be expected. :) From crushing the gingerbread house only 20 minutes after they built it, to using board game pieces to throw at each other, having accidents in the middle of the mall, eating all the homemade English toffee and my box of Godiva, breaking a treasured ornament, spilling coffee all over me and unwrapping my present from my mom-in-love and nearly losing it down the heater vent, and plucking nearly all the leaves and petals off of my poinsettia, I've been on the verge of insanity at times.

But, moments like the one I had last night are the moments I will treasure forever. When we were driving to a Christmas party and passed a live, outdoor, life size nativity scene along the way, the boys asked me to stop when they saw the spotlight in the sky. We walked along a path of candles to watch the story of Christ's birth be played out in real life, with that beam of light streaming toward heaven and big flakes of snow falling all around us. All three of my sons then decided to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus at once. By remembering the thousands of blessings God has given me, it helps to dull the memory of the hurt of having a broken family. If anything, I am full of a deep, lasting JOY for God's incredible role in my little family's healing and continued growth despite our challenges.

Have a blessed Christmas! Enjoy your families - savor the peaceful moments. :) Even if your holiday doesn't involve everyone you miss, or it is a lean year present-wise... remember the many small blessings you have, and smile.

"Just Mom"

2010-12-17T12:36:00.000-08:00

FINALLY! MY COLLEGE FINALS ARE OVER!!!! Somehow, I managed to get A's on every final I took in addition to all of the work I had to do prepping for Christmas. *Cue the Hallelujah chorus!*

Now I get to go back to a couple joyous weeks of getting to "just" be mom. Although I am looking forward to becoming a teacher, I can say without a doubt that this time with my boys is one I treasure. I will never get a chance to be their "mommy" again, and I am determined to give them my absolute best.

To me, "just" mom is so much more than the cynical lot who tout the idea that stay-at-home mothers are a bunch of bonbon eating, couch surfing, lazy women. I play hide and seek in the dark, bake cookies from scratch, take the kids to our local theme park at least once a week in the summer, and monogram their preschool nap blankets so that they can take one look at my handiwork and know they are loved.

Even as a single mother, I tend to shoot higher than we are taught to reach as mothers today. Since the oppressive days of the 1950's housewife (for some women), we were taught to rebel against the "stereotype" and become women of importance. Break the glass ceiling. Shatter expectations. Be extraordinary.

To me, however, being "extraordinary" involves doing the "ordinary" with zeal. "Just" being their mom. Making my children's characters, lives and comfort my priority.

Granted, it isn't easy raising three boys alone. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle every time I get out of bed. They don't come when they're called. Getting them ready in the morning is like wrestling butter-slathered wild hyenas. Their hair has their dad's texture and it looks wild if it isn't 1/2" long. They often get stains on their clothes that I can't get out. I have my hair in a ponytail at least 4 days a week. My makeup and clothes are largely from Costco.

It isn't glamorous.

In spite of the fact that I don't live a picture-perfect Betty Crocker life, I do have my great-grandmother's collection of aprons proudly on display at home. They remind me of a time when being a mother was a woman's first priority. When I'm feeling like the housework is even too overwhelming to begin, I put one on and feel like "SUPERMOM" instead of "just mom". I dust. I shine. I fold. I iron. I CONQUER.

Right when you need it.

2010-12-10T11:16:00.000-08:00

As a child, I often wondered about prayer, and what its purpose was.

I'd pray for a pony for my birthday, and get disappointed when it didn't show up.

Then, I'd pray that my Grandma didn't pass away because of cancer, and I'd feel sad at her funeral, thinking God didn't like me enough or think me worthy to answer my prayer.

So, for years, I sought out the answers I had deep in my heart about the intention God had in directing us to pray.

I'm grateful that God did answer my question, and now I don't just pray on occasion when I need an extra "boost", I pray all the time. While I'm driving, as I make dinner, when I'm doing yard work, whenever the thought of needing a "talk" with God comes to mind. I've found more peace in this now than I ever have.

When I realized WHY I was praying, it made the action so much more effective and inspiring. I feel that God wants us to know His purposes for our life, give our hearts emotional strength, and give us hope in the eternal that will produce peace and joy in our spirit. Though He reminded us that we *will* have trouble in our lives ("I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33), and promised us that He has given us the tools (prayer and the Bible) to rise above the certainly painful, difficult circumstances we live in on a daily basis.

When I start to feel angry, I pray that He will quiet my spirit and encourage either forgiveness or understanding that will cause me to let it go.

When I want so desperately for someone to be spared death or pain, I pray about it in this way- "God, I love this friend so much, and I want them to be safe and protected. But, if it is your will for them to pass from this earth or endure pain, I know that you will use it to further your plans for their benefit and not to harm them. I also pray that your spirit of comfort will be upon them and those who love them to support them through this difficult time."

When I feel I want a Wii for Christmas (LOL), I pray that God would remove the desire for frivolous things and help me to focus more on His purposes and bringing joy to others. ;)

For me, prayer gives me the right attitude and outlook right when I need it.

What do you feel is the purpose of prayer? Meditation? Reflection?

Making it happen

2010-11-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

Just because I'm a single mom does not mean that I limit myself to the day-to-day experience of the typical stereotype. I push myself to the limit of my circumstances in order to give my boys a childhood to remember with pride. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my boys' faces light up with a precious smile that only a little innocent heart can produce. In just a few years, this will me just a distant memory. Any sacrifices I can make now and any efforts I can put into developing their character are surely to make a significant impact in the long-run.

The twins "ice fishing" in the front yard.

Down to the smallest details, I try to incorporate time into my day to create things that will hold memories for the little guys. Here are some stockings I made with some vintage fabric of my grandmother's. It was a moth-eaten tablecloth that I salvaged, and I couldn't be happier with the result. Free and cuter than any store-bought stocking I've seen. :) When we open the Christmas decor box for years to come, I hope that these tactile things will bring that same smile to their faces.

I must send a big thanks to my Aunt Sharon for teaching me to sew! It was a long project, but the result was well worth the work.

As a general rule, I try to continue my life as I would if I were married, but I take care of just the boys instead of my husband. I strive daily to learn how to better our daily routine to make it less stressful and our interactions more rewarding.

I still bake pies, sew blankets with their initials on them, decorate for the holidays, achieve my personal career goals and maintain my home. Now that I'm over the initial hurt of the breakup, I continue my life as usual. Granted, not everyone has as much support as I do (I'm living near both the kids' grandparents and have good relationships with my former in-laws as well as my own parents) - but I think we can all aspire to make our "single mom" lives as "normal" as possible. For me, normal is making a home-cooked meal every night, wearing an apron to do my housework and learning all I can about my sons and their interests so that I can make their life as rich as possible while they are home with me.

The only things that are "abnormal" at this point is that I have to do the work of two people in my household. Broken drawers, burned out light bulbs, toilet clogs, roof maintenance and snow removal all fall to me. Raking the yard. Car care. Dishes. Laundry. Finances. Cleaning. The list goes on and on and on. This can be an exhausting way to live at times, but the rewarding peace I reap when the tasks for the day are checked off the list is completely worth all of the work.

The last two days we've had our first big snowstorm of the year, and a blizzard, no less. No exaggeration! An hour and a half of shoveling my large driveway, walkway and the chicken coop definitely got my cardio and strength training in for the day. ;)

Here is a quote you may enjoy:

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

What helps you to feel more "normal" despite your challenging circumstances?

Love in many forms.

2010-10-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

My former brother in law commented on my demeanor the other day, and it came as a total shock to me.

We had our kids play together, as we typically do, and his wife and I were chatting about the kids, life, everything. It is so wonderful to have a close relationship with this family I have come to love exponentially, both in spite of and because of my difficult relationship with my ex. They has had four kids under three in the last couple years, so we have similar "battles" at this point in our life. I just happen to handle them completely on my own. The boys were all playing together outside, and we were enjoying the little twin girls (yep, she had twins, too!) and the brand new little DARLING boy.

That's when the B.I.L. shocked me. "Erin, you seem SO happy lately. It's awesome."

He didn't ask me why, as I'm pretty sure he already knows the answer to that.

I took a bit of a double-take, mostly because he RARELY shares his candid thoughts. He's a reserved, cautious person when it comes to the "real" stuff, even though he's a joker to the core. This was how he felt, sincerely and simply.

I suppose THIS type of joy sneaks up on you and comes about when you're not looking. I mean, I realized that my life has taken a turn lately, but when I look back to what HE has seen, through HIS eyes, without the veneers, reasons, excuses for all the hurt... just the outward responses to the hurt... I found myself deeply encouraged.

I started to pray about this transformation, and what it means to be truly "happy".

The most lasting changes came when I least expected them. I think that was the true key - losing expectations about my circumstances. Expectations in life, love, day-to-day happenings, my children, my health, my housework, EVERYTHING. The biggest and most important thing on that list, though - were losing the expectations I had for God. Instead of resting in God's promises, I gave him a "To Do List".

When I really got down to the nuts and bolts of the situation, I realized that I felt like God owed me something.

When I married my husband, I envisioned a relationship for life, no matter what. Because I gave up so much to become a Christian, and because I made this covenant with my husband with God, I felt like He was the third part of the marriage. A guarantee. Then, when that fell apart, I felt it was God's job to return what I had lost. When that became impossible, I became angry, and even a little resentful and un-trusting. What had *I* done to deserve *this*?!?! I tried to sort out that question (unsuccessfully) for almost three years.

When I gradually let go of my death-grip focus on what I did wrong, or why I was in the circumstances I am in, I continue to experience a greater peace about the past and a lasting joy about my current circumstances, regardless of the challenges at hand, and with even more hope for a future of being quietly, patiently led by God.

Then, something miraculous began to happen. Over time, God revealed truth in my heart about the past.

1. I made the earthly covenant of marriage with my husband, BEFORE God. Not WITH Him. The relationship I have with God is unchanging and everlasting - we are given no guarantees that our human partners won't deceive, embarrass and leave us alone. It happens more often than not these days. It was not God's fault that he left the marriage.

2. I didn't *earn* the divorce, it was simply a result of sinful choices.

3. God doesn't owe me ANYTHING. He has already given me EVERYTHING!!! His love, His Word and his promise of eternal life are MORE than enough.

4. In spite of my challenges and burdens, He has taken care of and provided for my EVERY need. He has given me every TRUE desire of my heart without any strings attached. I can FEEL His love for me with every step I take. These realizations have produced a natural joy in me that oozes out of my pores EVERY day. HE is enough.

(For those of you still struggling with "romantic love", either with an ex, a current boyfriend who isn't what you hoped to find in a man, or with WISHING for one - remember this: Love has come from so many unexpected places. I feel like we under-value the love of ALL the people in our lives... those who TRULY care about us. Rather than chasing down a man, nurture your support system. Nurture your spirit. Then, when you feel that deep, lasting peace and joy AS YOU ARE, then open your eyes and see what opportunities arise.)

The most amazing kind of love, however, is the love we can expect ALL DAY EVERY DAY. God has PROMISED us this - and it's His love we can rely on when things get rough, AND when we're just going through the everyday motions of life, AND when we're jumping up and down with joy because of something amazing. We can share all of our thoughts with God, and build that lasting relationship, moment-to-moment, throughout our lives. When we seek love FIRST from the Father, everything else in our life just falls into place.

"Filing" Criticism.

2010-10-01T11:22:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I decided to start this blog, and didn't have much of a purpose except to get some feelings out that were holding back single moms, and to change some minds. Alaina Sheer, also known by the pseudonym Ms. Single Mama, encouraged me on this first post, and later added me to her list of "Approved" blogs, which was one of the things that actually kept me writing. There were so many times I wanted to quit. Having 20 readers was discouraging, because I felt like my voice didn't matter. But, as the blog has evolved, I have felt it was most important to give encouragement to single mothers, regardless of who read what I had to say. Just openly sharing my daily experiences, showing that as imperfect as our lives may be, we CAN make something great of what we have and give our children our very best became my heart's desire.

I've learned through much trial and MUCH error, that it's the voice in my heart that matters most. And, as long as that voice is directed by God's principles, for me, I've had wonderful peace to enjoy as a result of making choices that have "purpose". Not just aimlessly weighing pros and cons of each choice, trying to reason out what would be the "smartest" course, but truly going where my heart for God and passion for His purposes both take me.

People often ask how I accomplish everything I do during any given week. One of the answers is that I'm not obsessive about how clean my house is... and if you'd visit me you'd likely find the living room strewn with toys and dishes in the sink. That's reality. I'm not perfect, but I'm living MY life to the best of MY ability. Choosing MY priorities. I'm gradually easing myself into total self-sufficiency, and have a great deal of blessings and wonderful people who help get me there. My family, friends and people who have had spiritual influence have all contributed to what I've achieved, and nothing I've done would have even been possible without them. One step at a time, I'm gradually improving my heart and my life after devastating loss. "It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security."--Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I've been criticized over the years, and told by MANY outsiders what I "should" or "should not" do, and for a long time I berated myself and stopped believing in what I was capable of due to these influences. I've been told everything from, "You should give up your twins for adoption," to "You have such a beautiful family, you are very blessed" (from people who don't know I'm single) "You should home school your kids,"to "You should have them in daycare all day every day and get a job," to "You should never date" or "You'll be married in a year, I just know it!" to "You should never accept help, it shows your weakness," to "God is providing for your every need, don't feel needy, feel grateful." Every different end of the spectrum on every different topic concerning my life. I welcome advice, mostly because I'm curious about the true thoughts of others (which is often revealed through so-called helpful advice) but it can be overwhelming to process. Where to file it, if you will.

I've learned to take 90% of the things that come out of the mouths of others and file it in the "circular bin".... the trash. When it comes to the complexity of each human life, what shapes us and drives us, how could ANYONE truly understand us in a deep personal way (except God) ? Our strengths, weaknesses, secret prayers, goals.... these are all things that get muddled with changing circumstance. Yet, there is something of permanence inside each of our souls - something that DRIVES us in a larger sense. Something so unshakably true that we ARE this something... whatever that may be. The quieter we are, and the more we listen to this deep, personal part of our heart, the more we live from our heart instead of our flesh (or our simple reactions to our environment and history). That other blessed 10% that is heartfelt, Godly wisdom meant to help us improve or see things we don't see ourselves, I file in my mind to evaluate when I am ready. I'll have quiet time with God and just let Him direct me to the solutions to these "problems".

One of the sources I find for increasing the peace in my daily life has come from books. One of the most influential people in my life (next to the members of my own family) has been Daryl Kraft, who has become like family to me. At times in my life that I couldn't even breathe without feeling pain, he and his wife Sherryl took it upon themselves to help me to see the hope in my circumstances, and the glorious gifts God has given me. As a successful business owner and his wife who is actively involved in the community, they had so little free time, but set aside time to help me in my worst, and laugh with me during my success.

If I had listened to my critics, I wouldn't have this blog with over 300 dedicated readers and hundreds of page visits daily. I wouldn't have my darling children that I love more than life itself. I wouldn't be in school. I wouldn't have the boys in preschool, which they LOVE and has been such a help to my parenting. I wouldn't be exactly where I am today, and I'm SO thankful I listened to the voice in my heart instead of outside influences.

The Upside of Single Parenting

2010-09-28T23:36:00.000-07:00

You're single. You're not happy about it. You are also having to parent a child or a couple kids by yourself. You're lonely. You're scared. But, are you?

My recent success with parenting alone has caused me to think about the many UPSIDES of single parenting.

Am I crazy?

No.

Am I *recommending* single parenting over a traditional two parent household?

No.

I'm just saying it's not ALL gloom and doom. We have so much more to give than we realize sometimes, and ESPECIALLY as a single parent. Here's my list, and I'd love it if you'd contribute your OWN upsides in the comment section! Who knows, you might even help out a new single mom or dad who reads this post...

Upside #1: I don't have to divide my time between my spouse and my kids. When I'm with them, they get ALL of me.

Upside #2: I don't have to worry about how I look, how perfect my makeup is, or how I'm still in my PJ's at 10am on Saturday. My kids always think I'm beautiful (at this age - hehe).

Upside #3: In the morning, I can have all three of my boys jump in bed for snuggle time before I get up and around, and don't have anyone else around to be bothered by this ritual. It's all ours. No complaints.

Upside #4: I get to have total control over the budget. When I want to buy my little guys a new bike for their third birthday, I set it aside. If I want them to each have a Thomas the Tank Engine electric toothbrush, I don't have to justify spending 8 dollars on each every couple months.

Upside #5: I can stay up until whatever time I want cleaning and canning and reading with all the lights on and my Ipod turned up, and I'm not bothering anyone. The kids sleep really well through all of that!

Upside #6: I get to have any hobbies I want without anyone being a naysayer. I have CHICKENS for heaven's sake. I'm sure that would drive any spouse nuts.

Upside #7: I don't have anyone to disable the seat belt alarm in my car. Sounds insane, but my ex did that all the time and I'd have to break out the user's manual to turn it back on. Now that I have the boys old enough to be able to unbuckle them, I want to KNOW when they're not on. :)

Upside #8: I get to achieve every goal and dream I've ever hoped for without anyone to hold me back.

Upside #9: I get to help other women in my shoes on a daily basis through this blog, which I never would have started had it not been for the divorce.

Upside #10: I get to wear whatever I want - from stripey socks to sweats to the funkiest modern trends, without an opinion on everything I buy. No feedback allows for the ultimate personal expression, regardless of how ridiculous I look.

Upside #11: I get to stock the fridge and pantry with things I LOVE, with no apologies. :)

Now it's your turn. What do you LOVE about being single, either by temporary separation from your spouse because of work or by divorce, or by staying single in the first place?

Hitting my stride.

2010-09-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

I can scarcely believe the woman I've become today.

When I look back on the empty shell of a person I was nearly three years ago. On October 5th, 2007 I decided it was time to leave my husband (after he requested it on my birthday) while 8 months pregnant with the twins and a 14 month old toddler in tow, loaded up my SUV with only the most dire necessities and drove from Alabama back home to Idaho to have my babies in sanity and peace, hoping against hope that my husband would get himself together... and even as I hugged my husband goodbye, I sensed the finality. Something was about to change, and NEVER go back to the way it once was.

I lived in people's basements for nearly two years, totally dependent on the mercy of strangers before I had a home of my own (even though it's just a rental). Now, the home I was miraculously blessed with has become comfortably OUR HOME.... filled with pictures, momentos and a place for everything.

I am feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and strength while looking back on these memories.

For me, life began again in the fall. It has always been my favorite season, but now I'm able to recognize this time with even more joy and thankfulness than ever before. I was set free from a marriage that was becoming a daily pain beyond tolerance, where truth and goodness were locked away forever. Given a fresh start by God.

Today, I'm happy, fulfilled, driven, and STILL hopeful in finding love again. I find that the most significant victory of all. I had a lovely chat with my ex over the phone today (really!) about how the boys are doing, and felt a glowing sense of pride in how well they're maturing and growing up. And.... I've done it all myself, with God to guide me every step of the way. I didn't have a husband to lean on when times got tough. When all three were sick, with toxic things coming from all parts of their bodies, and I was so sick I could barely move, I made it work. When Will stopped eating when his dad visited, I was the one to talk him back into it. When the kids cry or ask difficult questions about why their Daddy "left them all alone", I talk to them. When they go up to random 20 something guys in the park and ask them to be their new Daddy, I'm the one to shoo them away and tell them that they already have a Father - a heavenly Father that loves them more than they can imagine. I prayed for strength every step of the way, and gave them the care (both physically and emotionally) that they needed.

I also have my career within my sights. I wonder why on earth I hadn't thought of teaching seriously before. I *know* this is what I was born to do. I received an unexpected email from my teacher regarding a paper I wrote - my very first "lesson reflection", and she said, "The content of this paper leads me to believe that you have a profound gift of empathy and understanding. These are valuable traits in the world of education. Both the mechanics and the content of this paper were outstanding. Congratulations on a job well done!" It was humbling. I never would have gotten such a sense of empathy and understanding had it not been for the journey God has taken me on, and it gave me a renewed appreciation for any suffering I had endured. If it helps me to understand and help the heart of a hurting child, it was all worth it.

For the last several months, I've seen the fruits of my years of labor beginning to truly pay off. Focusing on my children, finishing school, waiting for the man God has for me instead of doing what feels good at the moment, or even what I think is right.... it's all creating a whirlwind of blessings both in my heart and my life.

How blessed could you be if you made a few changes in the choices you're making right now? How grateful are you for your own suffering in this life? How amazing is this God we serve? These are all questions I seem to be asking myself often as of late. Prayerfully considering each step I take, one day at a time, and taking care of myself and my children before anyone else in my life has greatly increased my ability to do great things for our life and for others.

I absolutely love the feeling I'm getting while I am hitting my stride.